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GF of over 4 years has been more and more explicit abt her highest aspiration / dream to be a housewife and maybe do real estate or some side business. She’s non-techie / earns 3x less (for now, could be 5x with my next offer) but splits costs proportionally to income for now. We had discussed this before / how I’m ok with some pause of 1-2 years when having kids but the idea that her aspiration / preference to be a housewife irks me. On the one hand, it feels lazy / mooching-like behavior. On the other hand, while I know she’s unlikely to earn as much as I do, the thought of an “equally functioning member of society” being my partner has always been valuable to me and I’m struggling to see how that can align with her ultimate preference/goal. While she’s not dead set on being a housewife forever (e.g. maybe only first 2-5 years of upbringing or until I hit 7 figs annual cash TC if ever lol) I’m not sure what to think. TC: 500k
I truly do thus my dilemma. We’re on track for engagement and this is the only contentious topic.
Do you need her to earn? If not, let her explore her passions. Be glad you can afford to fund it, not everyone is that lucky
It’s not so much the earning potential (which tbh could become crucial if I take a riskier path like join an early stage startup) but my assumption that someone working / out in society would have more valuable emotional & intellectual contributions to the household than someone holed up with kids in a house / away from society.
A) you should take that risk (of joining startup) on your own rather than depending on spouse B) you think lesser of stay at home moms!
It’s not easy to manage a family with growing responsibilities at work and both working in demanding jobs. If I could go back in time and take the option you have I would, not to mean that I do not want someone who wants to work but I feel if one of us voluntarily wants to do the job the other person is failing to prioritize probably that’s a good thing in my opinion, but to each their own.
Really appreciate your perspective. I do think that If I keep going up the corporate ladder this will become valuable but I guess I’m judging what I might be wrongly perceiving as laziness / mooching? I’m also worried abt the intellectual growth of children when one of the parents’ sole raison d’être is raise children?
A generation prior most mothers’ raison d’être is to raise children we still are living off of what those great minds ( the children they raised ) have produced..
Raising kids and running a household is not an easy task. She wouldn’t be “mooching” off you if she’s taking care of cooking, cleaning, errands, raising the kids and chauffeuring them to/from school and extracurriculars. Being a stay at home mom is a job in and of itself. If she remains working she will have less time to contribute to these tasks. Her potential earnings would go into covering childcare, maids, ordering in food, etc. Both are valid options, but what matters is what will make your wife feel happy and fulfilled. Either way she is contributing to the household.
Am I selfish to want to join in on the raising / house chores? Also wouldn’t this limit my career options wrt. risk tolerance?
You’re not selfish to want to contribute to the raising/household chores. As long as you’re contributing a fair amount, it will make it more possible for your spouse to dedicate time to her career. Many women are weary of these agreements because statistically they end up carrying the brunt of the household labor even if they continue working. But if you’re dedicated to pulling your weight, that shouldn’t be an issue. However, you cannot force your partner into a certain path. This is an important point in which you have to decide whether you to are compatible enough for marriage or not. If your future plans rely on a spouse bringing in an external income, and that’s not a role she’s willing to fulfill, then maybe this isn’t the right person to get married to. The way that she wants to contribute to the household (as a stay at home mom) is equally valid as choosing to work outside the home. This issue here isn’t that what she wants isn’t fair, it’s simply that your future goals differ. You two must either find a compromise or move on.
You should talk to a couple with two working parents trying to coordinate schedules and pay for day care. She is doing your family a big service and you will see it is less stressful in the long run
You’re not a good fit for each other. Priorities clash. Please be more selective with the next one.
I wish it were as clear cut as that since people’s priorities and views of what their future lives can change (and have fluctuated a bit over the 4 years we’ve been together). It’s also hard to say what are crucial / critical priorities and what are things pressed on you by your environment / parents.
I find OP’s concerns valid. There are certain dealbreakers for a person and this seems to be one for OP. If your relationship is strong and there’s understanding, I would suggest talking it out and explaining it to her. I don’t support the idea of giving up working so easily. What happens if one partner is unable to work anymore or there’s a divorce or one dies? The woman will find it extremely challenging to return to the workforce again.
She probably knew she was gonna do this to you from the beginning. A lot of girls are as young as 23-24 and know that working ain’t for them and they would rather trap a gullible engineer with their expenses. Here’s the steps. 1. Find high income driven male. Seduce him. 2. Get married. 3. Punt career so salary disparity emerges. 4. Have a kid. Argue there’s no point in working because salary is so low anyway but they’ll clean and cook to make up for it. 5. Don’t do too much cleaning and cooking. At some point, it becomes cheaper for him to outsource cleaning services than to divorce and pay out the ass. 6. Relax once the kids are in school. Husband is rich and pays for cleaning/cooking etc.
I think where she’s not playing her cards right is she’s moving too fast. You’re not supposed to talk about not working before you’re married 🤣. That gives him the opportunity to consult Blind and perhaps escape.
And men on this app will continue to marry them . Reject the decent ones who are chasing careers and have decent ambition for such bimbos !! Then come back on blind and ask what changed my spouse was never like this before marriage
You can’t afford her. Move on Lots of men want a SAHM
Agree some men want SAHM and some don’t. But you’re being passive aggressive with the “you can’t afford her”
Get a prenup for sure. If she can’t have it directly, she will still try through alimony
Yeah we discussed this and she’s ok with it. But I’d still be splitting what I earn / accrue whole together in half, right?
Does not have to be half. The prenup can say the terms.