“Arranged Marriages” from an outsider perspective
Atleast on blind, I have noticed many people imply arranged marriages with a negative connotation. However, I’m perplexed as to why. From what I understand, one has filtered people that are set up via family. So essentially, instead of going through a dating app or some other classical route (which you still can!) you get a filtered group of individuals that match your background / culture. How does it get easier than that!? If I like them, great, if not, you just get another individual! Another argument has been time frame constraints. Which if I understand correctly, means less time to date before deciding. However, this again doesn’t seem to be set in stone as I have colleagues who have talked for over a year before getting engaged! If I’m not missing anything, I’m kinda low-key jealous.
If I understand correctly, you’re saying that before you talk and/or meet in person you have to make a decision? Then you can further talk? I have many colleagues who had a very normal experience (see photos -> talk on phone -> meet in person -> talk / hangout / date -> come to an agreement) contrary to what you’re saying. However I’m not sure which is more the unique case here - yours or theirs.
While I didn’t get ‘arranged’ myself I have friends who have. You can think of it like ChristianMingle for desis. You meet people who’s resumes look good - job, school etc. You do chat, get coffee etc but the assumption is - if this person doesn’t have huge glaring flaws you’ll get married - soon - in like a few months. In a more casual situation you date till you feel a ‘spark’ of some kind. You stay in that relationship, move in etc till you feel like ‘this is the one’ or something. Personally, the reason I never gave an arranged marriage serious thought - was that I wanted to be with someone - who wanted to to be married to Me. Not someone who wanted to get Married, to me.
Yep the time argument makes sense, that I understand but really for my friends the ball was in their court. They can evaluate as long as they needed. However, I believe because they were Indian descent US citizens they might have different cultural constraints than those from pure Indian backgrounds.
In the western world, there is a big culture on "growing up" and dating/sex is a large part of that. Its a time where its fun, exciting, scary, and awkward all at once. Its mustering up the courage to ask a girl to a middle school dance. Its asking her parents to drive you to the mall. Its kissing behind the bleachers in high school. Its being more promiscuous and free in college. Theres plenty of movies and tv shows purely focused on the years of growing up because many of us look back fondly at those times. With arranged marriages, how much of that is lost. Even now, only last year did I have to learn and force myself to "cold approach" women. All of my previous gfs have been friends who became more. Why not put in the work, socialize and find someone? All of my ex-gfs have taught me something about myself. What I want, who I want, what I can or cant accept, how to forgive, heartbreak, etc. There is satisfaction in hard work. Go out and do it yourself and learn and experience these things.
I think we are on the same page - I’m not advocating to not date. I literally done / do those things even now. However, the point is, you can still do those things! AND you get parental help as you age. I see that as a blessing. Personal anecdote, HS friend came out of a long relationship after 5 years. Heart broken, after one year of sulking around, he decided to date again. His parents asked him if he wanted to be set up, meanwhile, he also went on dating apps! He ultimately had a wider pool than I would’ve in that situation. It’s a sweet cultural thing, thereby the confusion and this post
My god this is beautifully written and on point, Expedia. All these experiences make us grow as people. It puts confidence and wisdom in your heart to go through the struggle and the unknown of dating. There’s a very clear difference between those who have this experience and those who don’t. Dating skills extend to social and life skills. They definitely apply in the workplace, not in the matter of dating, but just in the matter of expressing yourself and your needs, and being unabashedly afraid to put yourself out there and take risks.
The arranged marriages of today are virtually identical to using something like OkCupid or Match etc. The only difference is that the families appear to know more of what is going on because they know the kids are talking. You can obviously say 'no' and start speaking to someone else if you want to. You aren't stuck speaking to your first 'match'. In the past, arranged marriages were very different. That tends to be what people refer to when they speak negatively about it. Arranged marriages have moved on. The people hating on them haven't. I'm married to someone I met on OkCupid. When I compare my experience and speak to folks who are in the arranged marriage pool, there aren't many differences.
🙂 it’s actually a pretty sweet deal! Thanks for confirming
No one gives a f***, who are you justifying to? It works for you, great! Stop justifying and do what you feel is right.
🤨 um okay?
In my family, you usually go to Asia and come back with a wife that was already lined up. I don't think my cousins got much if a choice. This is why I've never met any family overseas...
Well you don't have first date assuming you are getting married. Arranged marriage work exactly opposite. You agree that you want to marry someone and then meet multiple times to know the person. Additionally the concept that somebody is compatible because they "match" your background/culture is outdated. You can't know that by looking at photos That doesn't mean arranged marriages don't work. Do I want to first pick and commit, and then live life figuring it out? No. That's a personal choice