Met a really nice girl on a dating app. We were out on our first date at this decent restaurant. I thought we were hitting it off, we exchanged numbers and made plans for our next date. Then the check came, I put my credit card and in and passed it to her. She looked at me with a blank stare. She actually said, "oh you want to split the check?"... I sensed the awkwardness and replied "umm.. I don't know, I..." she pulled out credit card from her purse and put it in. It went south from there. She called the uber while waiting for our cards and ran out as soon as she could without a word. I tried texting her later only to find I had been blocked. I really thought it was extremely weird. I am an intern and so was she. Both of us in possibly sizeable college debt, so I just expected to split the check. Is this normal? Yoe:0 Tc: 30k
If you want to split a check, set expectations that you’ll split the check before the date, rather than do that awkward song and dance when the check comes. Everyone has different mental models and interpretations on what it means to split a check or not. Some people will think you’re being cheap, some will think it means you didn’t have a good time, and some have traditional models of gender norms. You also have no idea what someone’s financial situation is. However, most women will expect that the guy will pay for the first date. If you don’t want to pay for the first date, do an activity for a first date instead. Go see a comedy show, go for a bike ride, picnic together in a park, whatever.
Should the girl set the expectation that she doesn't like splitting the check?
The majority of women already expect that the guy pays for the first date, so conforming to the social norm is usually already implied, most people go with majority rule. If a woman says “hey I don’t want to split the check with you” outright, how do you think a guy will react? Maybe he’ll assume she’s a gold digger, or that she didn’t enjoy her time with him, or that she’s not progressive enough and stuck in a traditional 1950s mindset. It is absolutely not going to land well when spoken like that without context. Even if she is a feminist and wants equal treatment, it’s difficult to capture the nuances of what she means and where she’s coming from without knowing enough about her on a first date. If you want to make sure you have a successful date as a guy, just pay for the first date and you’ll avoid a can of worms and a loaded topic with lots of opinions. You can also see dating as an investment - My friend paid for his girlfriend’s meal on their first date, and now she cooks all his meals for him for free. For what it’s worth, I once went on a date with a guy who picked a Michelin rated restaurant for our first date, but he asked upfront in the texting phase if we were fine with splitting. I thought it was very reasonable for him to ask that since the meal would be expensive, and agreeing to it before we met meant it wasn’t conditional on how well the date went.
Can't smash the patriarchy where it doesn't benefit said victims, friend.
If u asked the other person out, u pay. Those are the rules i stick by regardless of gender or sexuality. If u also were the one who picked the spot and activity then it is more on u to make sure u can afford it. There’s tons of free things to do for dates if u feel uncomfortable spending money.
This is such a great advice. Person who chose the place shouldn't expect the other person to split without knowing if they can afford or not.
This. Coffee shops are great places specially if you are an intern.
I always expect to split the check on the first date so I’m not disappointed but tbh pretty much every time a guy has asked me to split the check they turn out to not be really interested in me and just wanted something casual. I still give it a wait and see approach in spite of that but I do feel like if you want to be treated like a man and then treat your girl like a lady. Unpopular opinion but it works. If you want perfect parity then ignore that advice. It really depends on the sort of relationship you want and the type of partner you’re looking for, which is why you see split opinions on this - strangely, people are different :)
Also, I understand the resentment guys feel when continuously paying for dates and feeling like it’s not serving them / going their way (ie things don’t progress to a relationship etc). For me I want near perfect equality in work life, but in my relationships I think I care more about two different people bringing two different roles and skill sets to the table - an equity not equality model. That doesn’t mean the guy pays 100% of the time, but I look for people who aren’t rabidly obsessed with making sure things are perfectly equal on the money front because they sure as hell won’t be when it comes to taking care of a home together, children together, etc. What matters is each person is doing what they can, even if on some days their 100% only covers 40% of what needs to be done. I’m looking for a partner and I don’t want to be tallying up money and chores and favors all the time. Another example - I definitely don’t want to be treated like an equal in the bedroom, but outside of it I don’t want to be told want to do by my partner haha. I hope that makes sense - I think most women want to feel taken care of by their man (and they will want to take care of him in return), but they also want to be independent and self sufficient within the relationship too.
I think her response answers your question. It’s not wrong for you to expect to split the check, but like others said, different people have different expectations. Assuming you’re male, it’s worth figuring out for yourself what you’re okay with and what you’re not oky with, on the paying and splitting fronts. I have expensive tastes wrt food, and usually willing to pay for my date. Otoh, if they assume I’ll pay for everything, it’s a red flag for me, and I’ll usually step away from that. But I don’t sweat the small stuff early. But also I can afford it. You aren’t unreasonable to feel differently given you’re an intern, and in significant debt.
It's sad it didn't work out. But also think the following: given that she treated you so badly, would you be happy paying for her? If she only likes you if you pay for her, is that really a relationship you want to pursue?
You should have told your TC first, she would have paid yours.
You dodge the bullet, women empowerment comes in all shapes and sizes, why can’t they pay for their own meal… expecting a guys whom you are meeting for the first time to pay for your meal is ridiculous
Lesson learned! Next time you should offer to pay all, if the girl wants to split, then let her, if not, it’s on you. I’d rather to pay next time if I’m interested in the guy, I don’t like to split when I go on a date.
Would you mind elaborating on this perspective, given it’s not uncommon? To me, it’s sounds like entitlement assuming or expecting a guy to pay. It also furthers patriarchy in our society. Not trying to troll… genuinely want to understand where you’re coming from?
You’re right, it might be the culture thing. I’m from Vietnam. With some close friends, we do the same thing. When we meet, I pay this day, the next time she will pay. So with the date, if the guy wants to keep seeing me, or I want to see the guy again, it can be the reason. If the guy offers to pay for the first date, I’ll say “thank you, next time will be me” = “we will se each other again”. If I say “no, I’ll pay half” = “I don’t plan to see you again” Or if the guy pays for food, I’ll pay for drink. I just feel more close if we do that on the date. In my opinion, guys still always pay for the 1st time. If the girl doesn’t offer pay ever, and you’re not comfortable with it, you can stop seeing her then. 1 or 2 meal doesn’t make you bankrupt, but it gives the girl first good impression that you’re gallant.
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