Dealing with narrative about self
Don’t know but consciously or subconsciously I have formed an image of what my life is and what it is supposed to be. Over the past few years I have turned into an extremely introverted person so much that I had just couple of close friends and now even they are disconnected. I know I like traveling meeting people and feeling belonged to somewhere or something bigger. But my personality has grown into an anti phase that restricts me from forming new friends. Just feeling useless for following a boring routine since the past many years. No party no friends no socialising no traveling just churning work and trying to take care of self. Have been constantly fighting this monotony since a long time and I feel trapped. Very much. I feel nobody but my own self has trapped me. Trapped in my own thoughts beliefs restrictions and more than anything lots and lots of fear that drive my decisions. I feel I am the spectator in a theatre and watching my life just float around as an audience being unable to alter anything or tying up my own hands with fear lots of fear and just trapped. Many times I thought why am I like this. Why have I not done things I thought I like? Like traveling, hiking, being a part of a pack of friends forever, motivating someone or exchanging life skills and lessons or anything that makes me feel alive and worthy? I feel like a huge failure. I feel I have done nothing in my life while I sit motionless unable to move trapped in my own subconscious beliefs and endless fears and attempts to leading the secure way of life. Trapped and for that I don’t need to hear break free. Only I can free myself. But I am the one who has imprisoned my own self from experiencing this life. People talk about coasting in their job. I am coasting in my life. Literally doing the bare minimum needed to survive. And feeling like a loser for being this way and not enjoying and accomplishing things like I imagine I should have. Just can’t bring myself to terms with the fact that I need to change. I just can’t convince myself. Stuck in constant self criticism and frustration that makes me hate my own personality. But I don’t know how to be any other way.
Be surrounded by happy people who can encourage you and can talk about you in a positive successful way. Our thoughts about ourself are full of criticism. Or have. A life coach/psychologist
Wallowing in self pity does not work or help. Be a doer not a thinker. Develop a passion or hobby (or reignite one) or learn something new. Think what you used to enjoy before you decided this monotonous, barren life for yourself. As you move ahead in life, you become more independent and confident in terms of what you want to work on and how, rather than the other way around. Of course if you are too lethargic or require very strong sources of motivation which you are waiting for i.e. I know there will be a moment when I get an epiphany after which everything will be fine but till then let me carry on this life the way it is then you are wrong. Life doesn’t work this way. For me learning new things, improving myself, gathering new experiences are very important. I am an introvert too and am my own strongest critic. Also I am antisocial (hate parties and small talk or fake emotions) but I am deeply passionate towards life. I wake up each day thinking another opportunity to do or try something new today in spite of having a 5 month old daughter who constantly requires my attention. Earlier if I did something wrong in an interview for example I would curse myself for days and be melancholic for days. But now I rebound much quicker and don’t rest of what has happened whether it is positive or negative (I know it is easier said than done and I might come across as preachy but I have changed my thinking this way now). But but but I make sure I learnt something from my experience and if it’s mistake I made for example I try my best not to repeat it. Essentially I quickly evaluate what I can take forward from an experience and do so. I am also brutally honest with myself and castigate myself for my lethargy. I exercise now daily something I didn’t think was possible earlier. I realized early enough that you live only once as well as I had a horrible start to life. This is my engine room, my motivation to forge ahead in life. The fact you are alone should give you so much more time to yourself to do new things. Utilize it. Make it a point to learn something new every week or improve your skills towards something. Take the “responsibility” for your life and what happens in it. If uncertainty scares you, remember it’s part of life. There is this principle if you are having trouble starting on something, do it for 5-10 minutes and then if you don’t feel like doing it either way. But in these 5-10 minutes do it like you mean it. More often than not you continue doing it past 5-10 minutes. Try it. 😊
Sign up for a hobby class? You'll meet new people and it can be interesting to learn something new. Maybe a guitar class? Sounds like you have some depression symptoms. Better social life, and more activities outside of work might make you feel good about yourself and you won't have you much time to have these thoughts
So coasting with Google is actually a thing.
This is exactly how I feel everyday. Want to move back to India and figure out what should I do. Loneliness helped me to observe the world through a different lense that I haven't done before.
TC? YOE?
Seriously ? Sometimes I just want to delete blind because of comments like that.
fwiw I can emphasize with OP since I feel like OP as well. OP’s thoughts aren’t unique. YOE and TC are Blind tax. Recommend deleting the app if it’s difficult to stomach it. If OP has $2M tc then we can suggest OP to take a break to make friends or change cities to go back to their home time where they may have their closer friends. The closest friends (imo) are those where even if a large amount of time passes without contact, you can easily pick up where you left off. I am fortunate to have 1-2 of those.
Same here. Moved to Seattle just before the lockdown. If you're in Seattle, let me know if you want to hangout
Try describing yourself, all the nice things you did or archived, I am sure there will be plenty ! It will cheer you up! I think there COVID impact in this as well, but I think you will be able to go out of your cave and see the world :) if you want to, nobody forces you to be anything except yourself ! Some hobby, yoga classes, tinder, meetups, everything is opening up now, again only if you want to. try remembering what were interests in the past but you never had time .
Sounds like depression. Reach out for help.
Kino