I never asked to be born. I was forcibly dragged into this world.
I really hate my life a lot and I am really angry at my mom for giving birth to me. She had an arranged marriage in her 20s. Her husband used to beat her. She had an inverted uterus and she couldn't conceive that easily. She got a divorcee. She got another arranged marriage because being a divorcee in the 80s in India is unimaginably hard. My father is a chemical engineer from a reputable college but he often struggled with staying employed because there wasn't much demand for Chemical engineers back in the 90s and 00s. He is also a divorcee and his first marriage was a love marriage, he had a son and the divorcee was very rough on him. He only married again because he needed someone to take care of him, cook him food and wash his clothes. He never loved my mother or me. He used to beat me a lot, he was never affectionate to me. Now they both got married when they were around 35 years of age. They had severe money problems. Both of them suffered from depression. Both of them were angry at their ex-partners. My dad used to take it out on my mom and my mom used to cry often. My mom consistently had health problems too. She had an enlarged liver, diabetes, and all. She was not a great student either. She is not that smart. Any sane person in my mom's place would not have kids in that situation. Even my father was against having kids. But she was adamant that she wanted kids and forced my father to have me. My father literally lost his job when my mom was pregnant. She literally got pregnant 7 months after she got married the second time. She didn't even wait to see if her second husband would be as abusive as her first husband. Her only concern was that if she delayed getting pregnant by a couple of more years, she would never be able to conceive. Now, I am miserable as hell in my life. I had a very chaotic childhood. My father hated me a lot and that caused me to develop a lot of emotional issues. I have health problems too. I am not athletic, I cannot climb more than 2 flights of stairs. I have knee pain and I am 29 years old. I have an auto-immune disease that is eating away my skin and my hair. I am really really dumb. My mom had shitty grades all throughout school and I had shitty grades all throughout my academic career. I look just as ugly as my parents. I have no social skills. I don't know how the hell I got the SDE job at Bloomberg. Everyone in my team thinks I am dumb. And I know I am dumb. The thing is, both my mom and dad would have been happy if they wouldn't have had me. If only she waited for a couple of years, their marriage would have bloomed and they would have grown fond of each other. Neither am I happy today nor are they. Now they want me to get arranged married too. I told my dad that there is no way in hell I am going to get married and he stopped talking to me altogether. Every day he shouts at my mom for not forcing me to get married.
Seek therapy. You need professional support. Tough life but it's also made you stronger. Learn about mindset management. Learn about yourself and how to heal. You clearly have overcome a lot in life. That is your strength. Put it to good use.
Nobody asked us to come here. It's up to you to overcome that though. There's a book called "Toxic Parents" if you're into self help which will shed some light on why you're miserable.
It is what it is. At least no one physically assaulted you?
Focus on what's in your control. You are not dumb. You wrote this post well, that means you communicate well. That's 50% of the key skill you need to do well in the corporate world. Control what you can - you have a good job as a SDE that gives you atleast some free time - use it to put in consistent effort to improve skills and help others along the way. You will improve. It's impossible that you don't. You can move mountains with consistent effort. You have a functioning body, and are still young enough to fix your health issues (or at least try to mitigate them). You can cycle or swim if your knees hurt to do some exercise everyday. It's ok if you lose your hair. Cut your remaining hair really short and try to do some push ups to bulk up. You will look good. This world is beautiful - it is a gift to be born and enjoy this life. Take some time to travel and enjoy the beauty in this world. Create memories and share stories. Can't do that? Go to a park and immerse yourself in a nice book. Spend time with friends - laugh. Or go help others who aren't as lucky as you. At some point in our lives we all grow up and need to stop blaming our childhood or parents. Our parents are only people who have their own stories. Their story doesn't have to be yours. You are the master of your soul and the captain of your ship.
Please seek professional help! You are not dumb and you certainly deserve to be happy no matter whatever you do. I am a woman, also from south India. I am married and have kids. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Are you in the US? Do you have friends?
I can understand your position and my heart goes out to you. It is very difficult growing up and being in a family with all kinds of problems. Life is very hard. That said, we are born. That is the current status and we have to make the best of it . If you are not ready, don’t marry. First, you need to be kind to yourself. Look at yourself as one person in the entire grand universe. NOTHING matters at the end because EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY is temporary. We all are waiting for time to pass. As we wait, we need to do something useful for others. The first thing that comes to mind is for you to have a pet. Get a cat or dog that you can love and take care of. Trust me, even house plants will work. Listen to music and eat good food. Somehow make friends. Everything is easier said than done, but trust me. It’s worth the effort. First think about how you can make yourself happy and then you can help others. You have a job - make the best of it. There are 1000s of people who are currently unemployed. And companies are not dumb to hire people just like that. You don’t know your own value. Please cheer up. Keep your head up and do well in your job. Everything will fall in place . Eat well, sleep well and exercise . Don’t listen or see negative things.
Everyone is going through their own thing. This is very important and good advice!
Op, first of all, lots of love to you. Please know, you are important. Now, i know things can get very tough in life and more or less everyone at some point feels they shouldn't exist. But remember, the fact that you have a job, you are sensible enough to post this on blind, and most importantly you were courageous enough to speak out your problems itself means you are much more stronger than you think you are. Leave aside what your parents did to you, they did what they did, but what you are now, and what you will be tomorrow is completely in your control. You may think they control you, but it's not that way. You can take control of your life, all the while being respectful to your parents. Trust yourself. You can definitely do it. You can definitely win. Just have some more patience. You have held up until now, just some more. Whenever you take control of your life, it'll definitely start looking better to you. A suggestion, move out and away from your parents for a year at least. Request for a relocation if that option is there. Forget saving money for some time. Move out, spend quality time first with yourself, love yourself. Then when you feel you're ready, you can bring in more people in your life (romantically i mean). This is just a suggestion that i feel might help you. Because I kinda feel I understand what you're going through. Most important thing to remember is, trust yourself. You have a job, you are making a living for yourself. You are sure as hell capable of lot more things. Cheers.
I've been there. Check on your half-siblings, they might have the same pain as you do. Also if your father doesn't want contact with you, let him. Cut the toxic people out of your life. Stop wasting time on people who don't deserve your time. Help your mother if she asks for help.
You sound angry and therapy would be highly recommended in combination with a cocktail of meds.
what fucking blessings? The fact that I am not a daily wage laborer? Or the fact that I am not being sold as a child slave in work in people's houses and had to endure abuse? Or the fact that I did not have to work as a child soldier in Kony's army? All of those people are suffering because someone forcibly decided to have children. People don't think about the world that they are bringing their children into. My parents didn't sell me off as a child laborer. But they didn't have to give birth and force me to go through this anguish too. This is what people fucking do you know. Have kids when no one is asking them to.
Stop being so ridiculous. And stop disrespecting your parents. Have some self-respect ffs.