Me and my gf are in our 30s, we've been in a relationship for over a year now. We both live in a HCOL area. She is local, I moved here not long before meeting her. Initially, I was planning to stay single and date around. I went on a few dates and started hanging out with my now gf more consistently. She pressed to be exclusive (2 months in) and to call us a relationship (4ish months in) even though I was telling her it was too fast for me. I kept on seeing her because things were easy between us and I also was scared of feeling lonely (that's on me). I think that in my head I was thinking that things would just fizzle out naturally in a few months, so I didn't put in too much though beyond "the now". It's a year later and I feel like we're at a point where I should make a decision what to do with our relationship. Things between us feel fine, but there's nothing that really stands out. From the very beginning our relationships has felt very "flat" emotionally. Our compatibility seems to be mediocre at best. Breaking things down: Intellectual compatibility - She has a graduate degree, smart on paper with very high EQ, but we never have substantial conversations about any intellectual topics. We just chit chat about how our day has been and what happened at work. I'm a very curious person with interests in many topics and I would want to be able to have deep intellectual conversations with my partner about the world -- anything and everything. I want to know her perspective, I want to feel like I know her in-depth. Rarely over the past year have we talked about any topics in depth - no current events, no passions, nothing. When I bring things up I usually get one two sentences back and then silence. When I try to bring up hard or controversial topics she just shies away. This makes me very sad because I don't find an outlet in her to share my thoughts and discuss things that are on my mind. It's mostly a monologue, not a dialogue. Sex - I find her attractive (despite not being my usual type), but sex lacks excitement. She's very vanilla and doesn't have much experience from past relationships, she never takes initiative. I've been with many more women and like to spice things up, like to be flirted with, like to see the girl take initiative -- those things never happen. I spoke to her about it and she said that it's because of her past relationships, but did nothing to improve those things. We both finish and are satisfied that way, but there's no passion EVER. I understand that not every sex has to be like a wet fantasy, but from time to time it would nice to just feel "more". I also feel like she is very insecure our past relationships. While I don't have to talk to her in depth about my past relationships, sometimes I want to bring up a story, etc. and I usually find myself replacing "my ex" in the story with "my friend" out of fear of making her upset or angry as has happened in the past. I just don't thing that's healthy and it annoys me. Goals - She is obsessed with having a family and kids that seems to be her only future goal and dream. I want to live a life of self realization with potentially having kids in the future. When I think about her, she would be a good mom because of her high EQ, however it's a major turn off for me that she doesn't have any other ambitions for herself other than giving birth to a child (not that being a mom is easy). We live at a time where so many options are available to pick up new skills, explore the world, meet people and she doesn't want to explore that. It just feels to me like a waste of opportunity that life gives us and I'm afraid that being in this relationship longer would affect my own possibilities of self growth. Finances and future - I feel like a d*ck even bringing this up since in an ideal world money wouldn't matter, but we live in America 2024, so here it is. She has a relatively low paying job (60k) with very low future earning potential (100k), I have a well paying job with a high future earning potential. I was brought up in a home where both parents were earners and equal contributors to the families funds. I guess based on how I was raised, I find it super attractive when a girl is "life savvy" and independent. In the case of me and my current girlfriend I will have to be the breadwinner for most of our life which puts a lot of pressure on me and stresses me out already. Her salary is so low that she barely makes ends meet, living from paycheck to paycheck with no savings. I try to balance my spendings to make the most out of now while securing a comfortable future. With those differences the reality is that I would have to pay for most of the mortgage of any future property that we buy, but what's worst for me is that I would also have to pay for most of the costs of having a child. It doesn't seem fair to me because the child is mostly her passion project and only an option for me and I feel like in that situation I would just be taking a huge financial burden on myself for something I'm not sure if I want. On the good side, with her high EQ I feel heard in the relationship, she is mostly receptive to feedback (outside of sex). I know that she is a good and honest person and I love that about her. My dilemma is - should I stick around and try to work out as many of those things as I can, even if deep inside I feel like this might just be a bad match? Or do I call quits on things and go back to dating? I don't want to waste any more of her time if we were to break up, but also I can't really tell if in a year of trying to make it work I just won't break and give up. While I never had problems dating, being in a relationship is so comfortable and easy. Waking up next to her makes me smile and feel good. On the other hand, when I walk in the streets and see attractive girls I can't help but fantasize that maybe they would be a better match in all the mentioned categories. TC: 620k/6yoe #dating #marriage #relationships
You’re not that into her…
I like parts of the relationship, I like the comfort of a relationship, I like this relationship in the present, but not sure if there is a future.
If you’re not crazy enthusiastic at this point how will it last when you have kids or real troubles. Fair enough you like some parts, but I don’t think it’s enough to build a family (if you want that at all). As a woman I’d not want to date you in this situation as it doesn’t sound like she’s the one for you and I’d be a risky choice for me. Not sure why she’s still around as I guess she can sense this energy from you. It’s no one to blame, but it sounds like you’re just wasting time her’s and yours!
I think lots of guys think like you which is why I as a woman find it hard to date. I realize men don't wish to commit, they can go with the flow indefinitely.
I don’t mind committing, honestly being in a relationship is great. I just think the issue is that our futures are pretty misaligned goal wise and financially.
@Salesforce: Yes I understand, your circumstances and mine differ. Was just sharing an opinion.
You wasted her and your own time, you two are incompatible and this is not going to work out. Take the hit and breakup , else you will end up divorcing in future.
END IT. She’s not bad. In fact she sounds great for a lot of people. Just not you and that’s 1000% ok You brought up very well thought out points. Only thing I can say is next time don’t get badgered into committing because it was a waste of her time. You need to be a big strong man in these situations (ik it’s can be hard but you need to think rationally and be willing to do what needs to be done) 💪🏻 gl
That TC at 6 YOE! Do you work at a HFT?
AI
Cool. So you are an AI researcher with a PhD.
Been in the same boat but for 6 times longer. Let me tell you how this will go. You’re not into it and you aren’t getting your needs met. However, you know she has amazing qualities and you’re scared of letting that go. You also probably feel guilt for not being satisfied with someone who has great qualities. You’ll suck it up and try to settle. Eventually you’ll resent your partner for not getting your needs met. Then if you’re an idiot like me you’ll try to change your partner. That’ll fail and drive a deeper wedge. All of this while time passes and the weight of investing time into one another compounds. You’re self-esteem and self-worth will take a nosedive from living a lie. This has a funny way of working itself into every other relationship in your life. Eventually you won’t be able to control your disatisfaction over your unmet needs. Then the relationship will wither. But you’ll both be scared to end it over the time investment. Don’t be like me OP. GTFO, one year is nothing. Trust me you dont wanna live like this lol
I'm in the same boat OP. After being single when you get a really cooperative feminine girl who is really into you, it makes you feel like a god. But when you see better girls you die inside. However it would be difficult to go single again and would massively miss the comfort and reliable physical intimacy. My soul is being crushed day by day.
What do we do G?
Settling over subpar chicks is like dining at McDonalds over 5 star Michelin. Go lift some fucking weights and up your games, gentlemen
This is a golden thread for women here who believe in 50:50 partnership, equal contribution on why you shouldn’t do it and let a man chase you, do all the work.
It's not really 50/50, she's making nothing, he's making 600k, he's attractive, she's below average. More like he's 90 and she's giving 10
She’s definitely above average look wise. Very fit, nice abs, 5’10. As a package she is below average in my location. But to the authors point, yeah. She definitely doesn’t contribute 50% in any way.
You’re not a good person. You need to leave this woman alone. You don’t like her at all
+100
You ?/10, she ?/10?
By looks, probably both 7s. As a full package I’m a 9 she’s a 6.
That’s clearly the issue