Husband works in tech (individual contributor Sr SDE, TC 400k). I also work full time but not in software industry (Mechanical Engineer, TC 110k). Although I work "full-time", most of my days work is 5 to 6 hours per day. Can I get some feedback from couples working full time or one spouse working part time (since some of you may consider me as part time due to my reduced workload). This list is the split we had prior to me giving birth (2nd child - one month old). We currently have parent help but I'm thinking about long term. Looking for ideas on what else i can outsource/ hire help for since the current split may not be sustainable long term with 2 kids. Only thing I'm not open to outsourcing is cooking because it's something I enjoy and I like knowing the exact ingredients in my food / healthy eating. Me: I do these tasks 90% of the time. He does 10% of the time or less - Grocery shopping or placing order for grocery delivery (also making list and making sure fridge, pantry toiletries are stocked and putting away groceries) - fridge organize and clean - cooking / meal prep - bedsheets replace - load / unload dishwasher - get kid ready for school, give breakfast, drop and pickup kid from school, appointments, classes. Give snacks, dinner for kid - tidy house and turn on robovac - make doctor appointments - buy clothes / toys for kid - plan activities and events for kids - Birthday party planning and set up - tax prep (50%) - finding and coordinating maid / helpers / babysitters - coordinating/ calling plumbers, contractors etc for home maintenance (when husband is not able to fix) - keeping up with calendar for social events, school related events and sending reminders - check mail and take action as required - bills not on autopay (medical bill, dental bill, property tax, home insurance, license tab renewal) Husband: - home / appliance maintenance (when something is not working) - lawn mowing / fertilizer and lawn related things - researching and purchasing electronics / phone - tax prep (50%) - attend school related events - take out garbage, compost, recycling - research about financial investments and invest / make trades online - research new technology, appliances, electronics - fixing broken appliances, electronics , plumbing, electrical, etc - researching and buying tools for home maintenance - plan vacations (yearly once to 3 times) Outsourced / hired help : - bathroom cleaning - kitchen cleaning (sink countertop floor) - weekly - laundry - weekly - compost, garbage , recycling- weekly - car vacuum - weed pulling,trimming bushes,plant maintenance - occasional organizing (closets, pantry, garage) - garage cleaning - deep cleaning UPDATE: I showed my husband this post. He thought that the list trivializes his contribution (although that was not my intention). Replies from me for this comment are from my husband. (He said he works at a small startup and said that he commenting from his blind account is essentially de-anonymizing and using my account to give his perspective) HUSBAND'S PERSPECTIVE BELOW: WRITTEN BY HUSBAND. I felt it may be better to give my perspective as well, so that I can take the hard feedback without giving the excuse that my wife didn’t represent me in the right away. Recurring tasks not on the list - Story time in bed for 20 min at sleep time (not everyday during pregnancy. Almost everyday after baby was born) - Drop off and pickup kid from school, drop off to classes. Took over this when wife was 32 weeks pregnant. - Disciplining daughter (giving a timeout if talking does not help), because wife finds it stressful to so. - 2-5 hrs of exercise per week. I no longer enjoy exercise. I do it because I have to, in order to maintain optimum health. I try to find ways to make it more bearable and sustainable as a habit. Yard work counts as exercise, playing with daughter in the yard and a way to get some sunshine after WFH began. - Being aware of what’s happening in city, state an country. Helping wife form an opinion so that she too can vote, else her ballot directly goes to recycle bin - Manage a rental property (wife takes care of finding tenants , I take care of maintenance related things, internet, utility and any other things that come up) I don’t watch TV except when watching together. I usually play one video game per year with about 80 hrs of gameplay. Non-recurring things on which I spent my time on (and which I recall) in the past few months: - March, Apr - Planned and went on a vacation which was much more than relax at a resort, down to the detail of what to eat and where each day. Designed and installed a recirculation system for instant hot water that should work with an existing floor radiant system (10 hrs), so that wife can have instant hot water at 8am for the morning shower. Replaced the broken shower mixing valve and dealing with a defective part sent by amazon (8 hrs) - June - smart door lock, security system research order and installation (7 hrs in total), started hydroponics to grow herbs that frequently go bad in refrigerator (5 hrs in total), yard maintenance (4 hrs). Yearly tankless water heater flush (2 hours). Snaking stormwater drain pipe, research and install new drain fittings (6 hrs). Research into AC coupling vs DC coupling for rooftop solar and energy storage and if storage is necessary if we buy a car with V2G feature in 2023 (4 hrs). Planning for garage floor epoxy coating (6 hrs). - July - Spent ~120 hrs helping mother-in-law take on a role of a president at a non-profit corp. Researching laws, accounting, best practices, creating roadmap for 2022-2023, creating presentations and website. Yard maintenance (4 hrs total). plumbing emergency caused by wife (6 hrs unsuccessfully trying + 2 hrs calling a plumber). Home networking with multiple routers to fix deadspots in home - Aug - Fell behind on work due to time spent in previous month, needed to work 10-11 (2+ hours than usual) hrs per day on average. Helped father-in-law start a small business (5 hrs of work in total). Watched a TV series together with wife (10 hrs). Research and preparing to support wife for labor (6 hrs). Fixed a leaking toilet by replacing the wax ring(3 hrs). Research, order and get a plumber to replace a toilet with a smart toilet in home (5 hrs). Learn soil analysis(NPK/CEC and amendments - 4 hours), planning and execution of convert lawn to a weed free, low maintenance lawn (15 hrs). Weed identification and research selective herbicides/preemergents/soil innoculants, order and apply (5 hrs). Playing with daughter outdoors in summer. Helping wife choose an android phone and ordering it after current one broke (4 hrs) - Sep/Oct - Researching about highly capable program and spent over 25hrs with daughter teaching her techniques to maintain focus and distractions, more chores from supporting wife during recovery. Here are some examples of mental load (apart from the much higher mental load from the kind of a tech job I chose to be in): - How long does it take for rhizobium to fix nitrogen. - Do I need to fertilize in 2022? Would using Ammonium sulfate fertilize and acidify better instead of urea and sulfur. - Daughter has a sleep regression. Do I ignore as this too shall pass? Do I try to fix it? Is it really a sleep regression or a bad habit? - Am I too strict with disciplining my daughter? - Should I give in and let her out of a timeout early because she started crying? - Tesla doesn’t seem to be interested in supporting V2G feature. Should we consider other brands for our next car like VW or Kia. Is V2G really a dealbreaker for her too? What’s wife’s priorities with next car. - Idiots at Samsung have removed the sd card slot S22 onwards and specs seem like it is a downgrade from an S10. I now need to spend time on comparing phones from other or I will need to live with buyers remorse for 3 more years. - I think the newborn needs more milk, but wife says I am overfeeding him by giving more bottle, even though I was asked to do so by a nurse.
These lists are odd to me. Feels less like a partnership, more like a competition. But want to say I respect you. New mums and all mums deserve to be saluted. (The ones that abuse their kids don’t but you know what I mean.)
Agree. It may seem odd to some. My intent was to give true picture and give credit to both where it's due.
can't help with a solution but i think you're doing a lot more than your husband even considering that you're "part time" 😬
Her husband makes 4x what she does and works more than her lol
Don't agree with above. What he makes is not proportional to "work he does". It just shows pay gap/demand-supply gap more than anything IMO. Regardless, a healthy marriage should be above this - it is not about bringing equal to the table, it is about bringing "equitable" to the table.
Great list. Now you go live separately for a while to assess should you live together 😂😂😌
This is gold
The answer will always depend on what works for the two of you. If you feel you are doing too much/he isn’t doing enough, think about what specific tasks may be driving that feeling, then see if he can take some of them over. Come in with an open mind - in my relationship we’ve had times where we both felt we were the one doing the heavy lifting - in reality, we each were doing specific tasks we detested which bred resentment, and swapping them led to a much happier life.
Would you mind sharing tasks which you detested? This was our intent with outsourcing some of the tasks but I'm not able to figure out what else I can outsource. Husband pretty much either detests all the tasks that I currently do, cannot do it consistently (due to work or other things that come up), or makes a project to address the process by automating, reducing frequency or other ideas - not everything can be done that way though).
Sure! Personally I hate “sudden” chores (ie drop everything to work on this). Meanwhile, my partner hates any “dirty” chores (garbage, cleaning toilets, etc). Once we realized that, we adjusted!
If you love your work and want to advance your career, or just don't want to do so much housework, you need to get some help, and husband need to support you. It's not about how much you make or how long you work. You make equal contribution to this family. Husband makes more than you because you support him. Maybe ask help from parents or hire some helpers to clean house and fix things. Or ask husband to drop & pickup kids or plan some events. I know my skip skip manager does this (he books time on calendar). By the way, some SDE don't even work 5 hours per day
He makes more because he’s in tech. Unfortunately that’s the state of things
Not very interested in career advancement. It's the second reason ..don't have time to do so much housework due to new dynamic - gave birth to 2nd child.
Just share responsibilities as you go, without counting or calculating. As long as you both are happy as a couple and able to provide your kids a healthy and a nurturing environment, doesn't really matter who does what!
Looks good for theory.. in reality share as u go becomes sharing by only one person and doing 100% of the shared work..
This doesn't work for us unfortunately. Have tried it but it has only lead to confusion as to who needs to do what.
Who here is so socially awkward that would trade “calling xyz” by half of OPs list? 😂 I know you’re out there!
Now now. Calling people retarded isn’t right.
Who writes a 6 page essay listing each minor item they do? Isn't this retarded? If not then what?
Wow you keep a list!!!! This is so awesome.. No feedback here..just watching 😊🍿🍿🍿
Didn't really keep a list... made it right now for the post :)
Mental lists are still lists