How i had a mental breakdown and left my SO and job in 1 day

Oct 25, 2019 31 Comments

I want to share my story so you all can avoid this. This is how I crackd.

I also want to repeat that this was entirely my own fault -- I was a part of an awesome team and my GF is a good person. The combined stress of not having good mental health and too much pressure personally + professionally broke me.

Lets start from about 2 years ago.

Seattle is a lonely city. Its cold, beautiful with nature. I moved here for the first time as a new grad from a warm state on the East Coast. I had no support system and couldn't hold myself. I fell in with a group of friends who sucked at supporting and whom i didnt get along with. But i decided to stick it out because you have the friends you have right?

Nah. Strike 1: choose people who will support you and you can feel worthy from. If your friends are doing shit like having minor "omg Asian" backhanded comments in the name of being "real," cut the bullshit out. US is ducked in this manner, nobody has any chill on any side, escape it. I didnt believe i would fit in so i gimped myself. "i dont fit in here and never will" is toxic self talk. If you wont let people do that to you, why do it to yourself?

Next. I tried VERY HARD to be a high performer at work and push for improvements to prove myself as a new grad. I waa chasing not the promo, but FIXING EVERYTHING. Now my team had a large ops load and loads of legacy. Everyone would complain about it and it seemed insurmountable. So i wanted to push for a lot of change, and people supported me. I wanted to push everything forward.

Strike 2. Front-loading work for endless workload that is high pressure doesnt work. Let things naturally happen. Move through your affairs like aikido -- use other people's inertia and redirect. If you push all day and night, you're gonna burn out. Don't get frustrated or care too much. Check out, create boundaries, dont try to prove yourself too hard. Work-life balance is about life health. Why end up lonely at 35 with no friends or interests besides work and burnt out? Please chill and stop over committing, new grads, unless everything already flows like water.

Now due to the loneliness, i became deaparate. Young dating culture sucks, incel culture sucks, self hate sucks. I ended up becoming curious and then fell in love with my coworker. I went ahead and pursued it despite warnings because WE were okay with it.

Strike 3. Don't get your honey where you get your money. When your relationship gets rocky, you're going to have to come into work and everytime you work with them, you'll have to wonder "do they still like me? Are they angry at me? Why are they being such an ahole right now? Wtf?" when in reality your mind is on chemicals and your not thinking straight and now you're ducked . This supercharges workplace tension and now EVERYTHING IS PERSONAL. Leave the job or put a pause until you leave. After all, if you like them and they back, waiting a few months until you can transfer is okay.

I ended up cracking under pressure and had a mental breakdown in front of my team and i resigned that day. GF didn't contact until later, communication was already poor, we broke up. Its been a good 3 months now after working on myself. I'm still not great, but I'm improving.

How you recover:
- Mindfulness is key. You end up falling into traps on autopilot unless you think. You control your emotions if you believe you can and you have a strong commitment and motivation to. Your weakness hurts others and doesn't justify your hurting others despite you hurting inside.
- Dont over invest into anything. Putting your life quality on perfection from people or your job doesnt work. Be willing to accept imperfection and be grateful for what you have. You have gifts, and you dont need to think about what is lacking at work or people.
- Fix your insecurities, get rid of self talk. See a therapist early before it's the only choice. Get anti-anxiety meds.
- Remember to slow down. My main problem is that i turned to additions like smoking and YouTube instead of realizing i had problems. Slow down, gently discover your own problems and feelings, and be compassionate. Because your mom wont be there always (and they're gonna be dead, so learn to love yourself when it doenst come externally)

There. Good luck people


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TOP 31 Comments
  • Clover Health sinkinship
    I really applaud your self-reflection and humility.
    Oct 25, 2019 1
    • Google / Eng testere
      +1 to this
      Oct 25, 2019
  • Roku cruella
    This hits too close to home.

    OP u r a braver person than I am for writing this out for the world to see.
    Oct 25, 2019 0
  • Moody's nightSun
    Thanks for being brave and share your experience, OP. Glad that you are picking yourself up and recovering.

    I moved from cities to cities for a bunch of times, and you're right that friends are hard to keep. Try:

    - Have regular catch up calls with your old friends even when they're in other cities. They know what you've been through and would be willing to provide help/advice.
    - Invest in 1-2 hobbies that you can do with others. Team sports and boardgames are good to meet new people.
    - Go to local tech meetups or industry organizations to social and build your middle circle friends who can also help with career.
    Oct 25, 2019 0
  • Amazon / Ops StaleCrump
    Glad you are getting better, dont worry about what happened you can't change that just move forward in life. I hope things work out for you
    Oct 25, 2019 0
  • Twilio / R&D Leetchoder
    Salute and good luck! You will rise and shine brighter.
    Oct 25, 2019 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Clover Health sinkinship
      Yup. Reported for trolling
      Oct 25, 2019
    • You are pathetic.
      Oct 25, 2019
  • Google / Eng testere
    You found your problems and are open to fixing them. You have already done what 90% of folks never follow through (which is the most important part - accept fault, fix and move on).

    Kudos to you!!
    Oct 25, 2019 0
  • Microsoft vTk96
    Working at Amazon causes mental breakdowns.
    Oct 25, 2019 2
    • Amazon


      That's not true. Stop hating.
      Oct 25, 2019
    • Microsoft clumsyfish
      Could say the same about Microsoft too. I don’t think it’s a company thing, it’s probably a team thing?
      Nov 7, 2019
  • Eigen 🔥blind
    Love your post. I was/am going through worst than that.. When you are down, no body helps, not even your own fam.. It you and you alone. World is a crazy place, unless you give something, you wont get nothing back.

    Try meditation
    Oct 26, 2019 0
  • Apple JxmW82
    Wish you the best.

    Can you tell me more about how you are practicing mindfulness. Thanks!
    Oct 26, 2019 1
    • Amazon Djwofnr
      Mindfulness is choosing to be aware instead of checking out or going through the motions. You'll lose it as you go through life but it brings the power of observation and action back in response to getting caught up in emotions and blaming other people.
      Oct 26, 2019


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