How to avoid crying during meetings?
Female engineer here. I am having some miscommunications (I think) with my team lead at work. He’s being ambiguous with expectations/requirements with a project he assigned me but it’s basically making me feel incompetent (like damn I can’t even get requirements correctly) and I’m afraid come performance review time I’m going to get bad feedback. I want to discuss it with my manager just to get a second opinion on how to avoid miscommunications in the future and also get his take on project expectations but this whole situation is stressing me out. I’m afraid I’ll get too emotional and cry during my 1:1 with my manager (can’t help it). I don’t want to cry in front of my manager because I assume it’s probably awkward and unprofessional. Female engineers, have you ever had to deal with wanting to cry or have cried at work? How did it go in the end? Were your male coworkers understanding or did they end up seeing you as incompetent/weak (as reflected on some form of written feedback) because you’re too emotional?
In a guy, and a more emotional one. In my 15 year career, I have cried at work once, and have helped 4 friends who had it happen to them too. It happens. Some of us just have emotions that bubble up to the surface. Some advice: 1. Don’t take things personally. Make sure to separate the behavior from the person. If you make a mistake you aren’t a mistake. If you break the build, that happens sometimes. Spend your effort on getting better and not worrying. 2. Learn to forgive yourself. I’ve struggled with this one, as have some of the women I work with. Letting go of the past but not repeating it is a delicate balance. 3. Find a mentor. You need someone who is always in your corner, so you turn to them and not your manager (who has to judge your performance). I have had a few mentors and it’s a very intimate relationship; they know your secrets, your ups and downs, see your performance reviews, and your raw thoughts/feelings. I didn’t truly start growing as an engineer found a mentor I completely trusted at work. The surprising thing was that at each stage in my career when I had one, my mentor told me “I’ve been exactly where you are and I can help you out of it.” It felt so good to not just experience the empathy, have someone to talk it out with—but who also knew the bumps, surprises, and experiences I would discover along the way. If you want to talk more, PM me.
If an interaction makes you this upset, there might be something wrong. The team lead could be a bully, and you are his easy target. Take a step back and get some perspectives from your friends outside of work before talking to your manager, this helps get the emotions out of the way before hand. Overall, I’d be at alert and carefully assess the situation instead of worrying what others might think of you. Trust your instincts.
I don’t think he’s a bully but yeah I’m not happy with his “leading” style. He acts like he has no time and doesn’t introduce me to key contacts or link me documentation unless I pull teeth to ask him. He could just legitimately not have time. I’m new at Dropbox that’s why I’m so upset because I’m eager to contribute but it’s already not going well and my team lead is the bottleneck because he has all the context with the project but no time to explain it to me. I feel like this is somehow all my fault like I need too much hand holding but I don’t think that’s it. Like what else is a new person supposed to do?
Don't expect people to hand you useful info or docs or links. You should search and find them. My manager was like that too. Pretty brutal swim or sink style
Just don't There is no upside Think about the emotion that causes the tears For me, at least it is anger Understanding that and trying not to take things personally is how to stay on top of this
Female engineer here. I cried once. Manager brought me tissue haha, no big deal. The fact that you think you might cry is because you're passionate about your work which is a good thing. Embrace it. Make communications more clear as you go.
You got into Dropbox, you must be good. Be strong, prepare well for discussions and tasks proactively. Better planning will lead to more confidence
Just taking a guess here that your emotional response stems from fear of not living up to expectations. Ask some of your peers and manager what the expectations are for someone new to your team as far as ramp up and getting that context. Maybe you're expected to be asking lots of questions at this point.
I have asked and my team lead keeps on changing it on me which is why I’m upset. Yeah I guess I can just keep it simple and ask my manager what the expectations are regarding ramp up and not mention that the TL is confusing me.
You cry, your manager will treat you like a metoo going to happen.
Clearly YOU are a me too waiting to happen. Women are different than men, and that’s ok. When (most) men get angry they yell, when (most) women get angry they cry. Why is yelling acceptable but crying isn’t? Also, if people (because women can be abusers too) would stop being sexually inappropriate with their employees/coworkers, metoo wouldn’t happen. Like seriously, just don’t touch or hit on people at work, how hard is that? Work is not a dating pool. If you just can’t keep your genitals in your pants at work, you probably shouldn’t be out in society.
I'm a guy who has been in this situation before and while I wasn't bawling, my eyes were definitely teared up by the time I was done speaking my mind. Stress = Emotions = Reactions Just talk to your manager and bring a box of tissues. You can either cry to your manager and possibly get some positive results.... or eventually end up in an office meltdown compilation video on YouTube
I’ve cried in meeting with my manager.. and my skip level too now that I think about it. Also I manage a team and my direct reports have cried in meetings with me, too. It’s all just part of life, grab a tissue and get your feelings out.
First things first - start getting expectations/requirements in written (email/docs). Ask written questions/clarifications if you’ve any. RE crying in your 1:1 - we all have been there. It’s fine as long as it’s not a regular occurrence. Discuss your emotional response with your manager later saying you acknowledge that it wasn’t an appropriate thing to do and you’re sorry if you made him/her uncomfortable.
^This is the best advice. If he isn’t willing to put it in writing, take your own notes and send to him AND your manager at the end of every meeting. Label which are your action items. If there is any confusion there will be an opportunity for any party involved to respond. If you get shit later, you pull up these shared notes as reference.