Some info on me and background 25 first gen indian, grew up poor, mom is still poor. 3yoe Tc 380 NW 615, maybe 650 by end of year Last like 20 months I’ve been living at home (just my mom and sometimes brother). Past several years mom has worked like 1/5 years and she has poor financial habits, planning and not much savings. I’ve paid a ton of the mortgage, all the household expenses - not as much mortgage the last 6 months but I have plenty in my days in college (working 2 jobs and internships every winter and summer) the past year however I replaced the water heater and AC unit in the house ($11,000) + many other things my mom has wanted for the house & her hobbies. Now the issue : Moms phones that my brother bought her 2 years back doesn’t charge and Apple wants like $400-500 to fix it (my brother just started residency and just started to get paid) I had a iPhone XS that wasn’t used and gave it to her, the back camera is shattered and some small micro cracks on the screen but it works great, I used it for a while broken (1 year) She’s been constantly nagging me about buying a new phone $1200. I’ve been really annoyed by this and told her to wait but she keeps bugging me about it - Im frustrated that I feel like a bank for so long and I never even spend any of my salary on myself to thing expensive or nice. I spend very little (20-30K a year) and I’ve already done so much for her - to top it off , if I don’t help fund her retirement then she’s screwed. I deny myself a lot of nice things because I don’t want to be caught up in consumerism and end up like my parents, I want to save a big nest egg and if I want, retire early or just leave tech and not chase TC Sorry for the essay, just hate being in this position and feeling the way I feel.
ABCD?
My mom is pretty Americanized, been here 35 years and I’m first gen very Americanized
How about you put in efforts to get your mom a stable job and income so she doesn't have to rely on you? Don't let your mom get accustomed to you providing everytime.
Cmon man you don’t think I’ve tried? I sit with her several hours to start at updating her linked and resume, then I work with her to spreadsheet a bunch of places to apply to , roles , mutual connections friends of friends etc and begin reaching out. I’ve tried coaching her on behavioral interviews but what am I suppose to do? I’m not the one taking them I can micromanage her shit I have my own work and career to grow, she’s also not going to be open to my feedback when she’s in a interview call picking at everything she’s said. Outside of that what do you suggest? What should I do differently in trying to help her find a role
Oh man you are in a difficult spot! How old is your mother and what field is she in? From your description it seems she needs therapy more than anything else.
Come up with a monthly budget for such things and give it to your mom and make it clear to spend from that. And no questions asked on expenses. Keeps them happy. You wont be struggling Everytime you are asked something.
I like this approach thank you, can we kinda elaborate out some more details on your suggestion? Like tell her I’m giving you x $$ so you can pay for mortgage, car insurance, , utilities , food etc ? Or do you mean a discretionary spending budget for hobbies and stuff
Why are you paying for her mortgage? If you are - are you on the deed?
I think I can relate to your situation somewhat. You need to find a balance between going overboard and spending on anything she asks/demands/complains vs not spending anything. Find some amount you are comfortable with on a regular basis, and top it off once in a while with some extra. You are earning well and will keep earning more in coming years and these expenses will seem minor in long run.
Thanks, I appreciate you understanding. I have said firm no for a good amount of things like having the backyard relandscaped for like $2000 or replacing a completely fine heating system. I just have such a mental barrier in wanting to spend large amount of money because of how we grew up. I save and invest but worried I’d get fired, lose my assets somehow or if I cant/ don’t want to work In this field id like to know my retirement is taken care of As thèse 3 years of working has gone on I do feel more comfortable with spending and seeing my savings work for me - just been a hard many years of conditioning
I feel like I understand some of your fears regarding job safety and need to save more. What will help in those regards is not completely preparing for the worst case. Swe job has good safety. Another suggestion would be to look forward to something like a year or 2 or 5 at a time, and make the expense decision based on that. If you can assume that you have job safety for 2 years, what is the most you are comfortable spending for your mom based on this info? Also have confidence on yourself, you WILL earn a lot more (not to mention, you are already earning pretty well) and save lot more in coming years. You don't need to save all and retire by 30. You just need to earn to make big expenses comfortably like down payment for a house ( mostly that, all other expenses are small compared to that) You need to change your mindset a bit as well as your mother. Try to strike a balance but remember that you are in great position to fulfill her expenses now, than she ever was
Last I check blind allowed only Indian fobs not abcd, get the hell outta here
Gg I guess :(
she can wait
I agree. That’s what I told her before. If my brother wants to buy her one he can.
ABCD?
I guess? Moms been here 30+ years and pretty Americanized and I’m first gen
Dude your mom's 62, nobody wants to hire people that old except fast food chains, have you thought about that? Even big tech companies are pushing off their older workers. Also, if you're living at home why not pay the mortgage? Maybe you can add your name to the property and tell them you'd pay rest of it off and give some comfort to your mom. You're just hiding behind "being very american" to not pay. You can set up a monthly allowance for your mom in which she could buy anything she wants, say 500 pm or something. Also if your nw is that and you can't buy a new phone or argue about $1200 then what's the fukin point of having money. All that being said, do some calculations on your part and come up with a comfortable number to share if your family was nice to you.
I actually feel way more pressure because of the Asian background to make the right decisions and take care of family but I’d like to do it properly. I do agree I am doing laps in my head to justify my behavior and would like to address that In terms of “what’s the point in having money” that’s what I’m trying to reflect on. I have no fucking idea. I could have 1/3 of how much I make now and still have the same quality of life and be really happy. So what am I doing with this job? The numbers are just some game to me and tc/career feels like another video game to level up in The things I’d like to have (buying my own house and buying a Tesla) don’t make sense when I’m planning to move into a city very soon - other than that I have whatever I want. I can find my hobbies for pretty cheap price per year (skiing, exercising, music + anything new I want to explore) Now what the fuck do I do? I guess the most optimal thing is invest it and have fun on that game
That's what i am getting at, being with family isn't asian thing. Americans are helping their kids by allowing them to live with them, how do you think this great resignation is happening? All work is a means to an end, build your own life - whatever you want. You're thinking on the right path, tech work doesn't have any meaning as in , it's not like we're curing cancer or something. We're just code monkeys. If you like your family then help them out by setting up boundaries and ofc within your means. I can tell you that friends,gf, wife etc. Will come and go, your job will replace you in a week. you'll have your family if you want to keep them.
Just want to say I very much appreciate everyone’s honest feedback and there was a lot of very constructive things I can do and some shit I need to work on and reflect on, thanks for empathizing and also calling me out it was things I needed to hear.
You could always earn spent money, not the people (once lost) - choose wisely
I agree, like I have small family anyway (don’t talk to or stay in touch with dad or his family) I have a lot of resentment towards my parents for their horrible decisions and how it’s impacted my brother and I. Guess that’s where therapy helps work through this