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Went back to work(not SAP) after mat leave. Baby is about 7 months old and quite a few nights are rough. Work is demanding and I have to goto office 3x/week (about 30 min commute each way). My question is how do new parents manage work that needs ~40hrs/wk of good intense focus? Husband helps a lot but he works full remote so catches up on naps during the day when baby goes to daycare. Please no recommendation of sleep training as we believe this kind of regression is normal for a 7 months old development since there is so much going on (teething, growth spurt). I stopped breastfeeding since I couldn’t handle it once I went back to work. So what works? I am going insane and on the verge of breakdown. Open to hiring any kind of help. Household TC > 800k Edit: We have full coverage help with cleaning and cooking which is a lifesaver. Thank you for the overwhelming support. It’s so helpful.
Sleep regressions can be tough but luckily they don’t usually go past 4/5 weeks. Can you take a sick day once a week the next 2-3 weeks and just rest/sleep while baby is at daycare? Alternatively do you have family that can watch the baby on a weekend day while you rest? I remember the lack of sleep induced insanity and all I can say is it does get a lot better
It is also a newish job so I am still learning the ropes. Don’t want to push a lot with my manager. The pace is more aggressive than what I had expected. I do not have family nearby but husband is very supportive. We both take turns over the weekend and make sure we are sleeping once or twice without putting on any alarm
Yeah that can be tough with newish job. Does your place allow people to go part time? I’ve seen a number of new moms go to four days a week in the early weeks/months - might be worth asking your boss about the worst they can do is say no
Are you on Facebook? You will find a lot of support on the Moms in Tech group. Blind is not really the best place for this (see troll above). In short though: this period of babyhood sucks. Hiring help does make a difference: think cleaning, cooking, laundry. I won’t tell if you sneak a nap in the wellness room or on your remote days. It does get easier. In a few months you’ll feel a lot more rested.
Yes we have help with cooking/cleaning which is a lifesaver. I will look for that fb group. I try to nap and catch up on days I don’t have to goto office. But the days I do, it is difficult.
It is tough. You have to take some tough calls. Take some days off. Take some sick days even. You have to keep refreshing your mind. I would say, add just a 10 min meditation round in your routine. 10 min is doable. Youtube it and sit along before the baby is up. On weekends, give fee hours 5o yourself. 1 or 2. Let the husband and baby sit together for those hours and you walk/decompress. Its best you keep your mental state healthy and accept this is tough. That in itself will give you a lot of strength. And it is a matter of few days, it will get better. Ask from the work management that can you do 2 times a week office for next 3 months instead of 3? You could cite a postpartum reason for it. Usually they should be adjusting. Its good that you are not remote imo. That adds odd amount of work hours. If you are commuting through public transport, try taking 10 min naps there. You gotta adjust in what you got. Learn how to take 10 15 minute naps. That will help you a lot.
What kind of postpartum reason?
Well, all I can say is that it gets better. Treat every passed day as a triumph. Do u have help to cook/ house chores like laundry? If husband's good at those then steal some me time during those hours. If not, hire help for that. Or hire help for weekends where u can get some rest. Good luck
Yes we have help for chores/cooking
Hey, sorry to hear! It’s hard but you are not alone. I went back to work after mat leave and wanted to quit within the first week. It was too much. Then I spoke to other working mom friends and they all had similar experiences. So don’t give up and things will definitely get better. What really helped me at home is outsourcing as much household chores as possible - cooking, cleaning, laundry. It will be a slight hit on your monthly expenses but will free up so much time for you to rest or enjoy motherhood! What helped me at work was just being more vocal about my priorties. I stopped taking non-promotable assignments or tasks. Kept my manager in the loop about what I can or cannot deliver. Most rationale people understand and are supportive of that. I was still working harder than a lot people who didnt have kids. But I started setting realistic expectations for myself. Good luck! You got this !!
Hire a maid to help with household chores for a few months.
What also helps is connecting with other moms at the office, particularly 2nd+ timers. I met some through the nursing room and we are still friends. (Dads can also be helpful but IME they didn’t understand my struggles as much as the moms do.) Set boundaries and enforce them. Maybe that even means you block out time to nap. Shift hours in the day if it helps. Ask for what you need such as fewer office days. Or frankly just don’t show up — is anyone actually keeping count? Be kind to yourself. It will not be like this forever.
Maybe your husband should take over night duties for a full week. He can nap during the day. You can’t. IMO, even with very involved dads, parenting is never truly 50/50. One parent — usually Mom — is always doing a bit more physical and mental parenting work. So I think it’s always reasonable for that parent to ask for more help. That extra help probably wouldn’t even be enough to make it 50/50, but it would make a huge difference for primary caretaker. (Side note: even the framing of my response as “one parent asking for me HELP” implicitly assumes that that parent has some kind primary responsibility for childcare, and the other parent is merely “helping” the other fulfill his/her duties. Usually this takes the form of statements like “he’s such a HELPFUL dad!”, which sounds like a compliment, but really it just affirms that the dad has not taken any real ownership and responsibility for childcare. TLDR; We need to stop patting dads on the back for their helpfulness. Raise the bar. It’s their job, not charity work.)
What about a night nurse? Someone who can come over at night and help with feeding baby, doing dishes/laundry, tidying the house? Many post partum doulas offer this, and it sounds like you can benefit from it. Maybe they can even help you meal prep. Also, maybe forget cooking dinnner. Use a meal service like hello fresh. You need to remove some of your responsibilities so you can focus on the ones that matter (your job, and your child before/after work hours). Get a house cleaner if you don’t already have one. Although sometimes they stress me out because I have to clean for them anyways hahah. Good luck, you can do it!
I came here to second this. Someone helping at night even a few days a week will make a huge difference. In my opinion the only real option is to throw resources at the problem. I know you have some help already but it doesn't seem to be enough. Thankfully the really difficult part will not last much longer.
That sounds judgy. Looking for coping mechanisms as there are ton of families managing without one sahp. Leaving the job is not an option. Baby goes to full time daycare during the day.
Don’t listen to this troll OP