How would you react to this? ~Sexist comment from manager, haven’t even started yet~

Oracle / Data
_not_

Oracle Data

PRE
Oracle
_not_more
Aug 29, 2019 84 Comments

I interviewed for a new role, and have already accepted the offer (consulting). I am no longer w/ Oracle, taking some time off, I start in a couple of weeks. The fact that I am engaged came up during the interview process, that’s about it.

New boss and team are in town and invite me to join dinner to meet them. New boss says halfway through dinner, “I understand we have your fiancé to thank for you accepting the job” *I’m sure I look confused AF* “I mean, that he conviced you to make the change to something stable” etc something along those lines I can’t even remember the exact words b/c I was stunned. I think my response was something like, “Oh, I’m not sure about that, but I’ll pass that along” feeling absolutely taken aback and stunned.

I’m actually older than my fiancé, make more money than him, and we work in completely different industries. Of course I told him I was inferviewing, but I need ZERO help navigating my career from him, thank you very much.

How would you have reacted? It felt like blatant sexism to me, as no one would ever say something like that to a man! Am I doomed in this new position? Haven’t even stepped foot in the door yet. Any advice appreciated.

Not that it matters, but I am a white female in my 30’s, boss is Indian male in his 40’s (I’m guessing.) I’m pointing this out to ask about the cultural difference - is this important to consider? (reference: https://us.teamblind.com/s/SGVHSuUO)

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 84 Comments
  • Microsoft hi it's e
    Wait where is the sexist part?
    Aug 29, 2019 7
    • New / Project qEsh05
      I'm also confused (and a woman). It's not something great to say, but I've heard similar said to a man. Along the lines of, "Glad, the wife helped you come to the right decision."

      Yes, you're capable of making your own decision, but people assume that you're also considerate of your spouse when making a life decision. Some people are just awkward at dinner (referring to boss, not necessarily you, op).
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Oracle / Data
      _not_

      Oracle Data

      PRE
      Oracle
      _not_more
      OP
      Sure, I interpreted it that way b/c it was very off-putting, since they didn’t even know me, let alone my fiancé. I found it presumptuous and kind of offensive. As many others have pointed out in the thread, it *could* be said on both sides, and it was probably meant in a light-hearted way, although the delivery was awkward. It’s important for me to recognize the other person’s intent- I agree, I don’t think their intention was to be sexist or put me down, but that’s how I took it initially.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • New / Product
      B0ngzilla

      New Product

      PRE
      Pegasystems, Robert Half
      BIO
      I’m Canadian, but then I got better.
      B0ngzillamore
      I don’t doubt that this offended you. But it might be worth reconsidering what gets you worked up because this seems to be benign/awkwardly worded.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Google Mr. Glass
      Men get comments all the time about picking a stable job due to family/kids/wife etc. It’s common and not sexist. Stop taking pointless offenses and grow up.
      Sep 5, 2019
    • Cox Communications zoink99
      My boss literally brought out a man card once. When he brought up again we laughed told him it was sexist and then I told him my guy friends used to joke about how many man cards I've taken. Lol. He didn't know what to say. People are human and if you are in tech as a female....umm...why is this shocking? You gotta man up
      Sep 5, 2019
  • Microsoft . Atinlay2
    When men have similar encounters, they tend to shrug it off and move on. Not make a hashtag out of it
    Aug 29, 2019 9
    • Oracle / Data
      _not_

      Oracle Data

      PRE
      Oracle
      _not_more
      OP
      I recognize that you have different experiences that me, @.Atinlay2. I think the goal in seeking advice is to see if you could recognize my experience and empathize at all? Sounds like that’s a hard no.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Microsoft . Atinlay2
      It’s not for lack of empathy. I think you calling this exchange “sexism” is another instance of the word losing its meaning. Candidly I think you need to grow thicker skin. It doesn’t matter if I am ethically right or wrong because reality is not fair.
      Aug 30, 2019
    • Activision Blizzard / Creative e00
      Agree with ^
      Recognize it wasn't a "sexist" comment and empathize that you may have over reacted to someone trying to make small talk with new employee
      Aug 30, 2019
    • If you had read the other posts here @Activision you would know OP has done that already.

      (Granted, it was poorly worded small talk in the modern context given the short history of women working in the United States.)

      @Microsoft’s comment was totally uncalled for because he also downplayed a “hashtag”; in fact, sexual harassment is actually a rampant problem in pretty much all industries.
      Aug 30, 2019
    • Google Mr. Glass
      @2muchblind read OP’s post again - there’s no sexual harassment or sexism here. That’s Off topic from this thread. Men get comments all the time about picking a stable job due to family/kids/wife etc. It’s common and not sexist. Stop taking pointless offenses and grow up.
      Sep 5, 2019
  • New / Eng tralang
    “It felt like blatant sexism to me, as no one would ever say something like that to a man!”

    I am a married man. People say that kind of thing all the time when you are engaged/newly married. It’s congratulatory teasing about growing up.

    Don’t be so sensitive. 😎
    Aug 29, 2019 4
    • Oracle / Data
      _not_

      Oracle Data

      PRE
      Oracle
      _not_more
      OP
      So I shouldn’t be reading more into this? It struck me as so strange. I just met these people, so they have no point of reference as to who I am.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Uber / Strategy IXX
      Was just coming to post the same thing. I’m a male in my 30s and had similar comments from a few people when I took a fortune 100 job instead of a consulting offer out of b-school.

      I think you are new, they don’t know you, so they are trying to find ways to approach you and have a lighthearted conversation. Consider it an awkward comment from someone poorly versed in small talk, not sexism.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Oracle / Data
      _not_

      Oracle Data

      PRE
      Oracle
      _not_more
      OP
      Ok, I buy that, @IXX.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Netflix agkW36
      If you are looking for sexism you’ll surely find it.
      Aug 30, 2019
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Porch / Eng afhujnvvfg
      Just going to assume you are joking
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Oracle / Consultant
      _not_

      Oracle Consultant

      PRE
      Oracle
      _not_more
      OP
      Was inquiring about cultural differences.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • @porch and of course you must be a white female to tell a poc that racism is a joke.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Porch / Eng afhujnvvfg
      Hah, too bad you will never know bruh
      Aug 29, 2019
  • DoorDash hqt1
    Someone's being too touchy and entitled. I don't want to get into who that someone is..
    Aug 29, 2019 4
    • Porch / Eng afhujnvvfg
      Says the person who doesn't have to deal with this shit daily.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • DoorDash hqt1
      Can you describe the "shit" you're referring to?
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Amazon / Eng sde3
      How dare you to ask her/him/whatever to explain, you sexist dirty boy.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • MongoDB tlb_miss
      Middle aged, Indian manager? 😂😂
      Aug 30, 2019
  • ViaSat / Eng sduser7
    Tc ?
    Aug 29, 2019 4
    • Scared of saying “ TC or GTFO” 😅
      Aug 29, 2019
    • ViaSat / Eng sduser7
      Lmao, didn't wanna be labeled sexist
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Welcome to the club bro/ sis 🤣😂
      Aug 29, 2019
    • ForRent / Eng HpDp30
      @ViaSat - but you were sexist against male population by not saying that 😄
      Aug 29, 2019
  • Anheuser-Busch Korona_guz
    Def cringe worthy. I’d chalk it up to small talk fail (he was trying to weave in your engagement) and not “grab ‘em in the pu$$¥” level sexism.
    Aug 29, 2019 2
    • Oracle / Data
      _not_

      Oracle Data

      PRE
      Oracle
      _not_more
      OP
      Ok, makes sense. Thank you for your assessment.
      Aug 29, 2019
    • Visa / Eng kjzO64
      I think this is the right answer, but man is that a small talk fail.
      Aug 30, 2019
  • Salesforce hususuh
    My wife makes me do things all the time. White male in late 30's (I know) /w wife & baby.
    Aug 29, 2019 4
    • Amazon OdpS15
      You mean your share of the chores? Must be hard. You poor baby.
      Aug 30, 2019
    • Google Mr. Glass
      ^ that’s sexism you bigot
      Sep 5, 2019
    • Salesforce hususuh
      Confused by Amazon comment. Nothing in my post was a complaint or a reference to who does what chores in our house. Was just a statement of fact. You must be a fun person to be around.

      And for the record I do way more of the "chores" around the house compared to my wife. But that doesn't really seem relevant to the point I was making.
      Sep 5, 2019
    • Google Mr. Glass
      The Amazon guy/girl is a bigoted and sexist scum. It is evident from their anti-men bias.
      Sep 5, 2019
  • Google obTs71
    Snowflake! Looking for every opportunity to get offended!
    Aug 29, 2019 1
    • MongoDB tlb_miss
      Every American girl's so sensitive nowadays 🙄
      Aug 30, 2019
  • Microsoft qpKcufn
    In Indian culture, these decisions are always made together as a couple. If you were a male, he would have made the same “small talk”. Kudos to you for viewing this from a cultural standpoint
    Aug 29, 2019 0

Salary
Comparison

    Real time salary information from verified employees