India
2h
298
Why Worshipping Lord Ram Important in Hinduism?
Tech Industry
Yesterday
233
Fullstack vs backend vs front end vs machine learning
Tech Industry
2d
4597
Job market is brutal for SWEs 🥲
Tech Industry
Yesterday
2106
How bad is it in meta?
Personal Finance
Yesterday
1115
IRS Warns Thousands of Taxpayers They Could Face Jail Time
We've been married for 5 years and been fighting or having problems for some time. I'm pretty sure she has some mental issues. She's been diagnosed with anxiety, I think ADD, and used to take medication. She has wild mood swings from being triggered (like from watching TV) and being extremely angry at me to all of a sudden being happy and wanting to cuddle on the couch. She doesn't recognize that it isn't normal behavior. Our fighting is something where she tries to talk over me and not listen to what I have to say. I used to be a very easy going person, tried to think pragmatic, talk things through and all. After being with it, I've turned into yelling at her, being firm in my words. Today, we went out to lunch. She started tearing up about her grandmother getting older and maybe getting Parkinsons. I said that her grandmother is doing well, she knows she loves her, and that they're able to connect, etc. (generallly trying to smooth the situation). Next she lets out how she wants her grandma to see her great-grandkids (we don't have kids... yet). After a bit, she switches the topic into buying a condo or apartment or commercial building for her photography studio. I said that we can look into it. Over the course of the day she obsessed about it and I proceeded to do laundry. She lost it when I wasn't listening. After I did the laundry, I left to go watch football. She texted me asking where her driver's license was, which I didn't know. She thought she lost it. When I got home, she said she didn't find it and that she called the place we were at for lunch and they didn't find it. Then she said she found it in her wallet. Often she does manipulative stuff like that to see if I'll do anything to help her (in the past, of course, if she lost her phone we'd go look for it or her wallet go back and look). Anyways, a bit of a rant. I feel our relationship is falling apart. Going to couples counseling soon.
Feel bad for your spouse. You wanted a robot and got human. You are complaining about very small things. How did your siblings tolerate you if you have any?
Actually you don’t know the whole story. You only know what she said. You made an assumption that he got a robot etc. over time in a relationship when there are too many bad things happening, small things look big. Understand that.
I doubt these are small things.
Sorry to hear that, hope things get better. Please take care of yourself
Thanks. It's really affecting me mentality and dragging itself into work. I'm starting to struggle and wish I could RTO.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. If I were you, I would put any baby plans on hold till this situation is under control
there's no baby plans. I've told her I don't want kids and maybe we should consider adoption. She agreed. Somehow, someway, she's gone to change it that "okay lets try next year". I have to remind her of our conversation which is like it never happened. Or she's manipulate and say, "I know you'll regret it if you don't try"... That's what I'm working with. At this point, I need to tell her that "we have to resolve our stuff before we consider having kids or buying a house together".
Seems like innocuous stuff
Can you give more examples on the stuff that made you think she’s narcissistic? Being with a narcissist is a pretty big deal, and an unlucky one.
When talking to people, she redirects the convo to herself or something she can relate to. It's difficult to explain, but if we're talking about them or some new job, she's redirect it and say how things are going so well for her. Or if something happens, like the car is having problems or she gets into an accident, it's always someone else's fault. Like me fault I didn't bring the car in (even though she drives it, etc.) or accidents that someone else caused it rather than recognize something she could have done better. Or she's on the verge of doing something great with her business (which isn't profitable) and I need to stop being small minded that we need to invest more into it.
Does she gaslight you, do you feel confused all the time in the relationship? Does she manipulate you? Read “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist in your life” and see if it hits home. From your description I cannot tell if she’s just a spoiled immature woman or a full on narcissist. There’s usually no upside to being with a narcissist. If you almost made sure she has this disorder, do not have kids and carefully plan your exit. It’s no joke.
Seems like time for therapy. She may need professional help, or maybe you both do.
Sorry to hear, is your spouse seeing a therapist?
yes, believe it or not has made some progress, gets triggered less.
Looks like immaturity and craving for attention! Take care!
Your spouse may have a condition like BPD or NPD. I’m in a similar boat. I found a good therapist to help me understand what’s going on and it is very helpful so far. I recommend trying individual counseling. Feel free to DM.
She has her own therapist (but very into astrology). I'm starting to see a therapist and we're looking to see a couples therapist. Not sure how that condition can get diagnosed (either BPD or NPD), she needs to see a psychiatrist and not a regular old therapist?
Yes for official diagnosis. But you could discuss your observations and suspicions with your therapist. Probably not mention it to spouse though, it could be triggering
A divorce may be a better solution.
Divorce is not a solution. It is a dead end. Easy to type it out in a comment on blind. Difficult or impossible for couples to go through it. A better solution would be talking to a counsellor which they’re already doing.
I used to think that you need to make the relationship work, put more effort in, and try. We've done couples therapy before, she's doing therapy, and I'm doing therapy. There's progress, but the fundamental stuff isn't there. I don't feel like I'm partnered with someone that "plays fair". There's something 'not right'. It's not like we can put it on the table and see what compromises we can do. She doesn't compromise, she doesn't understand it.