I sometimes wonder what’s beautiful about the Bay Area, that someone I really love in my life chose to stay there. Maybe for him, if I had the chance I’d even go there on my own. With so many years added to my life in wisdom and experience, I feel so lost in emotions while I still love him here. There are moments when I feel angry and sadness but then all of it comes from love which is beyond intentions. There’s this persisting question stuck to my heart that with all that’s going on in my full senses, I have increased levels of panic missing him as I am now. I’m never good with trauma, I can smartly read the moves before the situation gets to me and that’s exactly why I never liked dating. But, for him, I broke all rules and even when the world around me including my parents tell me “we said so” in my heart I know despite all the fights if we could have resolved or even otherwise, there could be no match to what he is. He means a great deal to me in a short span. He’s a good man, simple and caring. I had the best of what a life could give me but not anymore and every single day this breaks my heart. The real truth is I love him and so did he and that’s the beauty of this relationship we had. It was beyond shallow TC, height, hair, colour, gold, family, friends and who looked hotter. He’d walk along and see a tiny horse with its bushy hair, he would look around to see if no one’s looking and he would simply brush him with his fingers and smile at me. He’d race his footsteps with his childish anger or come closer when he upset me wanting to make me smile. I’m in great distress today but he’s not there to say it will all be okay and no one can fill this void. To my impatient anger and moods he was a balance. I intended always to feel his presence close to me, see him, hear is voice but I’m not blessed for it. He believed he was on the spectrum, but nothing mattered to me. He had done a fantastic deal of working on himself to become healed of what he had to struggle with. I held his hand when he could trust me and speak of his vulnerability. Today, I need him so badly with me but my anxiety is killing me. I know I shouldn’t text or call him. I know I’ve set him free but I’m Not free from within. I feel dead, don’t intend to live without him, I’m weeping but what can he do. I can’t stop feeling this way. When I nurture even a small plant in a pot and the leaf falls I feel strongly about it, today I feel so sad for not having him with me. For every single thing I deserved, I may have worked hard and let go when it never came or happened. The world wouldn’t end if this once I really had what I needed. I spend hours weeping as I make slide decks with constant fear. I’m shattered in life and I don’t want to rebuild my life because he feels like my life which I no longer have. My therapist told me today, “no matter how much you cry, if only he chose you, this relationship would have value and so will you”.. “for all you know he could come back married to India while you wait for him and then would you lose your mind, time and life only to see that” I knew I wanted to die and when she said it I knew if I ever saw what she mentioned I would never live. This happened before and if it happens again in my life, I will die. I worked on myself every single time I fell apart. When I met him in the very beginning, I told him that I feel everything to the depth of my soul so if he chose to be in a relationship with me he had to think better about it because it was going to be serious. He said I’m his priority. He chose me first. He did choose me and now he doesn’t. He said, “maybe you’re the best person I’ve ever met but you live so far. I can’t invest in you as I did before. I want to travel and not stay cooped at home and I need to meet new people, let’s be friends. You too meet new people, I want you to be happy”. He kept saying and I kept begging him. Like a knife it pierced. All of his silence, his anger from the past became clear and I knew he needed me to let him go. I remembered his chase, his passion, his fire and joy for me and in contrast to all of it, but now I sensed all he needed was to be free from this bonding. In a few emails, messages and calls- I struggled to find a way. I never asked for anything but a few minutes of his time to talk to me. My most precious gift in life ever, is him. I lost even that. He never felt anything even when I ripped my heart into words even without valuing my pride. While I still loved him, he had to be free to live happy without me. This suffering is my battle, this grief is my problem to overcome. How I wish now, I too should have been chosen to live the great American dream but I chose differently. Now I weep here. He must be with some lucky girl in his Bay Area giving her the time that I always needed and waited for. And when I think of it or when I think of his love for me, I am inconsolable. When I love him now and I know what a broken heart feels like, I shall never lead someone ever to make them realise I’m not into them. I won’t meet people to get better while they build their hopes. Genuinely, I respect another’s feelings. How am I even going to live if I’m not able to die without love? I count my days as if it’s closer to seeing him or it’s closer to death, I count them and sleep at night hoping I don’t see another day.
Sorry for you but this is too much text to read.
Can you ask your parents to arrange marriage with this guy?
I can’t, he doesn’t love me. He did not want a commitment and wanted things to be slow. The push and pull led to insecurity and it’s long distance. My parents are happy to get me married to him as much as I am.
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I really hope you heal quickly and find someone else to love again. I remember breaking someone’s heart and it is still traumatic for me if I think about it as I could see her pain then. Hope she’s doing well now.