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Hi folks, ## First, let me get this out of the way. I believe that my wife loves me dearly and that she wants to grow old with me. I don’t have doubts about that. She also has a good heart and a good person. I do love her too dearly and can’t imagine what I would do without her. But our marriage is falling apart. We don’t spend 10 days without a fight (never physically, ever). It’s always about something silly in retrospect. To be clear, this is not new and for the 5 years we’ve been together I can say with confidence that not a month has passed without a fight. Initially, she would just give me the silent treatment (the first 3 years), which drove me almost crazy. No respite. Now, she is the one crying every week because she is unhappy and claimed that I difficult. Her cries and the fights still hurt me all the same, same as the first few years. The main difference between now and then is that I exhausted. I have given it all and don’t know what else I can do. If I had the courage, I would have walked away. She says (in all but the exact words) that she is miserable. I am upset with myself because that alone for me is reason for me to leave and give her space. I grew up thinking that I am good man, living with the mother of my child feeling that way is eating me from inside. I have never intentionally done or said something to her with intent to hurt, but it always end up hurting. However, she is always hurt more deeply than I can comprehend, which hurts me (I hate fighting and generally avoid conflict and is always the one trying to find a middle ground). Here is what triggered tonight’s fight (from my perspective): - I woke up at 12pm while wifey was still in bed (she works late and I waited for her so that she come back to find love at home). Then went to get brunch, probably only went for her. - As I was waiting for food, I was at one point very grateful for the weather and enjoying the sun. But at some point during that time, I felt very lonely. I remembered that I barely ever get breakfast with my wife as she is not a morning person. And if I am to be honest to this audience, I resented her for it in that moment. - I brought back the breakfast but in a foul mood to be honest. - We were supposed to go to a social event for her friend and the day before I had asked the time and she had responded 5pm. I asked again since I suspected that it was just a guess from her part in an attempt to have her get the right time. she found that we were late. In the end this ended up being non consequential. - At this point I was sad and a bit upset as I drove to Costco with her to pick up Pizzas. She spent the drive on the phone with a friend, which made me a bit more sad and made me feel even more lonely. - As I was trying to find parking, she told me that I wasn’t looking for a parking spot and parking too far. I had been doing my best to find a parking spot near the entrance, but it’s Saturday at Costco. Anyway, there is almost no time I would drive us anywhere without her finding faults in my driving or parking. Not the best driver, but I have 18 years driving experience without a single accident. My mistakes are usually inconsequential afaict. Taking the wrong turn, taking the wrong exit. So her comment made me upset. I told her in a cold voice that I am doing my best and that I don’t appreciate her comments. And that I would be glad if she drove (I always drive, she expects me to). - she got upset and gave me the cold shoulder all day, except for facade when we were at the party. - Tonight, I had forgotten my foul mood of the morning and just wanted to make up to her anyway I can. I did not want it to turn into a fight. - As I was driving back, I tried to talk to her but she was upset from this morning (I could tell). I took the wrong exit which delayed us by few minutes and as I was trying to get back on track she complained that she would be arriving late. I was embarrassed because I realize that me taking the wrong exit all the time is kind of annoying for her but it is embarrassing for me. I offered her to drive because I did not have my prescription glasses. She said that she can’t drive because she has high heels. - As I was heading in the right track, she mentioned again that we are delayed, which I acknowledged but confirmed that we are now on track. - I then made a comment to the effect that I was hoping for more support and that she was putting pressure on me. We were going to arrive still an hour before she had to go to work (I did not tell her this, but she knew). - After a moment of silence, she started crying and said that she regretted being with me. That I was difficult and that she with that she would die just so that she doesn’t feel this way anymore. She said that I had made her life miserable. I was dumbfounded and still am that my comment led to all those cries and those hurtful words. This is a snippet of our life. Although every time it happens for a different reason, it always happen without miss on a weekend at least once every two weeks. We have our good days and very much show each other signs of love and care but we can’t help but having this happen. I am hurt and feel like I failed. I am also miserable but am able to cope better. When I got married, my goal was to my my wife feel lucky to have chosen me. She sometimes says the same when things are going well. But living with the mother of my son and hearing her be so miserable is hurtful. It projects to me one of two things: being an abusive husband (even though I never raised my hand on her or insulted her, ever) or on the flip side the sentiment that I am being abused. Is a non abusive relations ever this miserable? Either of those are good reasons to divorce and I should get the courage to do it. Could this be anything else? Maybe just unhappy marriage that we could keep trying to fix somehow? Any advice for me to give our marriage a chance? My wife says that I should be less difficult. But what I hear from having lived with her for many years is to not say no to her and just nod. She says that men that she know are less difficult. Maybe they are? What I do to be less difficult is to just tell her to do what she thinks is right. But generally that doesn’t work and she wants my opinion, but my experience is that when I give it and it’s different from what she wants, she would still proceed as she wants with my participation just being some kind of formality to bless the choice. I am not built that way and can’t help but say when I disagree or share my perspective. one strategy that is also failing is to tell her to do what she wants and have me not be involved. The problem is that she won’t take that as an answer and would want me to agree instead and often time be the one doing what has to be done. Anyway, enough of that. I need help. I want my marriage to work, but even more so want us both to be happy for both of our own sake, but also for the sake of our son. I wouldn’t want to raise a son in an unhappy marriage. - What can I try on my own to fix this ? - What can we try together ? Thank you. Facts: - Been married for 5 years - Have 1 year old son that we both love very much. - I am 35 yo and my wife is 28 yo. Yoe: 13y I don’t want to waste my time answering TC questions, but here you go. TC: ~500k #marriage #divorce
I appreciate the time you took to type all that out but this is stuff you should work through with a therapist. I think you need your own therapist and a marriage therapist.
I appreciate this. Any idea how I should go about finding a descent one for myself. I fear thought that my wife would say no to counseling.
You can look for reviews, then do the free initial consultation (about 10 to 15 minutes) and then pick 1 and try for a few sessions, if it's not helping you try another one. It can be hard to find a good one that also matches with you. Even if your wife says no to couples counseling, getting counseling for yourself is better than no counseling.
Sounds like a lot of communication breakdown issues. Recommend couples counseling based on a practical approach
Wife happy life happy. That's all I would say. But go get some marriage counseling for better communication. Don't let bad communication break your marriage
You seem to be the victim and feel bad for you. Unfortunately she will realize once she get a different man how patient you are. Btw fighting daily with spouse is kinda normal. Don't worry about that.
You need to buy a sfh.
Get on Lyra Health (search on MOMA) RIGHT NOW and speak with a couples therapist. It’s free via google and we get 25 free sessions a year!!! USE THAT BENEFIT!
Lyra Health also has individual therapy you can use. It’s also free. Schedule an appointment asap.
You need to embrace stoicism to feel indifferent about her constant nagging. Unfortunately that's only the way to deal with women or you should divorce.
If your kid is 1 yr old. Its mostly the combination of stress and post partum. You acknowledge that its different for next 2 yrs and don't argue unless really necessary. Why do you need to feel bad if your wife says something about your parking and driving skills. To some extent you also agree it's right. Every marriage will have ups and downs and don't compare times when you were just married. Contribute wherever you can to bring down the stress levels. You don't really need therapists here. Don't waste your time and money.
Don’t think the wife is blameless here. It’s annoying if someone criticizes a genuine mistake like taking the wrong turn etc especially when it happens constantly. The wife got the party time wrong and OP didn’t even bring it up.
Its not tit for tat always. OP didn't mind party time wrong has nothing to do with missing the exit or wrong turn. If you are bad at driving just own it and try to learn.
Guessing Indian couple
Given the age difference, I assume it’s an arranged marriage! Have you both tried counseling?
30 and 23 is not a huge difference in age at all. Follows the general guideline of half age + 7 years.
Not arranged. We were introduced to by a friend of mine. So no… we are from a culture however where arranged marriages are common. Our is not.