Husband and mom conflict... long read.
My mom has had health problems for the last few years, so she started living with me and my husband 2 months ago (father’s not in the picture because she is divorced). My husband knew very well about this situation before we got married last year and said ok to living with her. She moved in with us couple months ago, but my husband has been acting very petty about a lot of things and has been making comments about every little thing and visibly showing his frustrations with my mom. The biggest turning point is when he took photos of typical everyday messes like 1) one or two dishes she left in the sink for like an hour, 2) a pot that was boiling - she went to her room to grab somethinf 3) some coffee stain that was barely visible on the kitchen counter. It’s not like she left the messes for hours or days - she left them for a few minutes and generaly does a good job of cleaning after herself. In fact, she sometimes does his dishes and helps clean after us and our kid. I would understand if he had an OCD, but he leaves his shit all over the house and so it just feels very hurtful that he’s making my mom feel really uncomfortable/watched with photos of small things that he could easily ignore. He also countlessly complained about my mom to me, saying he has no respect for her, or that he has concerns about her hygeine, that she’s messy, etc. When I told him some of the messes were created by our little one, and that she usually picks up those messes before I get to them, he would tell me not to blame my mom’s mess on our son... Obviously, my mom was appalled and very hurt by his pettiness and the pictures. She tried to resolve the conflict by talking it out because family is family, but he said very condescending things to her while showing the photos, and now they stopped talking and my mom decided to move out and live with my sister. My sis is out of state so even that won’t happen overnight. I’m looking for a temporary place for her to live. I just wish he hadn’t said ok if he wasn’t going to be able to handle it. I can understand living with an in-law isn’t easy and I was very thankful at first, but I didn’t expect him to be such a dick to her for the entire last 60 days she was with us. And now with the covid situation, finding new living arrangements isn’t easy and he’s never been really helpful/supportive about my situation with mom. I know I am naturally biased but is my husband being a petty asshole or is my mom really at fault? The bigger problem is, I have lost a lot of respect and trust in my husband. There have been other issues that led me to distrusting him (his ex gf stalking me/him while I was pregnant, his family still befriending that b*tch, his fucked-up finances, to name a few). Through all this, I tried my best to be a supportive and understanding wife because I knew there was no such thing as a perfect marriage. It’s just sad I thought he was a bigger man than he turned out to be, and it worries me he won’t reciprocate the effort I put into this relationship, and will not be a good life partner to me or good father to our son. IWill he react all passive aggressive and petty with me, too, when I truly need his support? Adding a few more lines... I’m disgusted by his behavior, lack of compassion, and defensiveness. I don’t think I love him anymore especially after seeing him being a pos to my mom. I don’t even like it when he tries to cuddle with me now - being around him, I feel sick.
He doesn't like your mom. It's easy to guess.
No doubt. It hurts that he openly said those things to me/her and isn’t cognizant of the fact that she’s a big part of me, who is now his wife, and that my mom isn’t a healthy person. If he truly loved me, could he possibly treat her like that and say these things to me? And it annoys me that he signed up for something that he wasn’t going to own up to, now causing way more hassles than needed... she could’ve stayed at her own place without needing to move. Now,I need to find a place for her to live and move her out.
That must be very embarrassing for her, I am sure. He may have signed up for it with good intent and might not have realized that he would actually get frustrated at little things. Not trying to defend him for his actions but I do understand things can change at a later point. However, pointing out such small things and not being respectful of someone isn't the way to go. If such things worry him, I would be super upset if my partner said any of this to my parent(s) directly, but I would expect my partner to talk to me first, so I can talk to my parents. The dynamics is different between parents vs in laws.
Did he know your mother well before he okayed living together with her? If he did and knew the person whom he'd be living with, he is an asshole for being against it now and acting like a prick. If he did not I think he has a valid reason for disliking living with your mom.
He knew her for about a year and half before living with her. They got along okay when we were visiting her at her home. He okayed it about 5-6 months ago which is why we proceeded to her moving out of her old home
In that case, he is in the wrong. I think your mom moving to your sister is a viable solution, but you definitely need to address it with your husband rather than build resentment towards him, which will happen against your best intentions if you don't discuss it. At the very least you and your mom are owed an apology
I’m Asian and my mom is divorced. I can very much relate to OPs problem. What you described is one of my biggest fears because my mum will have to live with me at some point in a couple of years. Before hub and I got married we actually had a fight about this and he eventually said he was Ok with her living close to us and us taking care of her in a couple of years after getting married. I made it very clear to him that she is my responsibility and will become his as well. I hope he honors his promise!
Really challenge him to think about what that means - people without these responsibilities will never understand and make you feel like shit and create self-pity in you with their insensitivity.
No it's not your imagination. He sounds like an asshole and that behavior is totally unacceptable. This also isn't a mother in law from hell situation either. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Your final paragraph hits the nail on the head. Losing respect for your husband will undoubtedly lead to marital issues. If it gets bad bad, he could resent you, cheat on you, divorce you, say petty things about you to your son later in life. Not saying he will, and we are getting only half the story, but his inability to handle inconveniences (and compromise) doesnt bode well for the future. Its kinda dark, but your mother will eventually pass away, so you could simply prioritize the marriage, but I don't know if that's great advice...
What a fucked up thing to say poup - frankly, just for the reason that her mom will be with her for a shorter period - she should prioritize her mom over a spouse who doesn’t have the decency or the common sense to not make her mom uncomfortable. I can understand if he had issues but telling her directly instead of his wife - sorry that’s messed up.
Dump his a$$
Your husband is being a petty asshole and displaying jealous insecurity. If you can go live with your sister for a while too, I’d recommend that so he realizes how messy he is on his own.
Or, live with your mom and send your hubby to live with your sister
I am sorry to say this, but your husband is pos. My MiL lived with us for couple months and sure it gets uncomfortable but family is family. This is some shitty and petty move by your husband
White people are use to leaving the house at a very young age he doesn’t understand the Asian family Dynamics. But he def an asshole for the way his acting. Dump his ass and move on.
I wish I could! if it weren’t for custody...
I am sorry about your experience and I do wish well to your mom! It sounds to me your husband is selfish and has personality problems. When he said yes, he either (1) didn’t realize what he was getting into or (2) was hoping this day would never come. Either way you have a weak point in your situation and this is him and his family. If you think it’s not too late, direct confrontation to either solve the problem between all of you or separation is imminent.
he’s white, i’m asian
☹️