(A bit of background: I’m ethnically Japanese, and my boyfriend is Vietnamese. My parents were opposed to our relationship from the start because he was Southeast Asian, and if I “needed to date a foreigner”, at least keep it within East Asia, aka Chinese and Koreans. Being raised in America, I wanted to be open-minded and ultimately didn’t heed their racist suggestions. I’m regretting it now) I (26) went on a 12 day Japan trip with my boyfriend (28) and his mom (58). It was our first trip going back to my home country with him and his mom. We’ve been together for less than 2 years. I already told my bf from the beginning that I wasn’t comfortable traveling with his mom as she has a strong attitude and I knew we would clash. He bought my ticket anyways and told me he wanted me to experience Japan as well and that his mom would most likely do her own thing. We had also agreed to celebrate my birthday on this trip. When we get on our bus to our hotel it’s common manners to be quiet and no one was talking. When we ask her to politely lower her voice she’s like why do I have to follow the rules so what. This irritated me as this isn’t their country, Vietnam, it’s Japan - and we should be respectful. We go to a fancy mall where my bf and I have no interest in anything here since we couldn’t afford it. So we tell her to take her time looking around and shop for whatever she wants. So we leave her but we’re in the same vicinity and my backs killing me due to all the standing and walking we’ve done. So we go to a cafe and buy a small peach juice (need to buy food to sit down). She sees we’re at the cafe and gets mad that we didn’t ask her if she wanted anything when we were only there to sit down. So she storms off and goes back to the hotel on her own. At this point I don’t talk to her anymore unless she talks to me. I leave her alone and let her talk to her son and give them space whenever I can. I finished cleaning my laundry in the bathroom and lay down on my bed. Out of nowhere she starts screaming in Vietnamese. Turns out my boyfriend let her know that his luggage space won’t be able to fit her stuff and that she needs to be careful of how much she buys so that it’ll all fit. Mind you we all have our own carry on and large check in bag because we all wanted to buy stuff in Japan. She goes off on him and tells him he’s going to have bad karma but it’s literally his own luggage and she could buy more luggage or ship it off if she needs to. I felt bad because my bf started buying less and I offered to put his stuff in mine as well. She also said that we’ve been selfish for not going where she wants to go. Except we’ve been going to the second hand stores she wants and I always ask my bf if they want to leave me while I go shopping/have their own time together to do whatever they want. Also the fact that we didn’t go to Universal but we planned this trip 3 months in advance with a whole itinerary and let her know we were doing DisneySea over Universal. The screaming was just so unnecessary and this is where she continues to act like a child for the rest of the trip. Where she’ll just take off with no communication, huffs at us, mutters stuff under her breath. I found out that she usually travels with my bf, her other son, and her husband (but is divorced). My bf has told me that he places his mom first before me. He does treat me like a princess carrying my bags, going where I want if I ask, doing all the navigation. So I see where she’s used to being the main princess and with me around she didn’t get her usual treatment. So she ended up throwing a fit. As people are getting seated in the airplane. She gets in my face in front of everyone, angrily points at me and says that if I want my bf I can have him. That it’s a competition between me and her for her son. That I’ve been hogging him this whole trip. I don’t say anything back because I’m literally in shock and I don’t want to rile her up more. I broke down crying the whole 5 hours back to LAX. My boyfriend didn’t defend me, didn’t comfort me. I was suppose to go back home with them but I’m so thankful that my friend was able to come pick me up instead because she was still mad after the plane ride. I was literally walking on eggshells on this trip and didn’t get to celebrate my birthday. Should I break up with my boyfriend because of his mom?
Leave your bf for his sake. He deserves better
U mean she's doing bad?
She doesn't understand the basics of generation gap, cultural gap, and need of parenting the parents back when they age out due to hormonal changes in their body. As a woman especially she needs to be emotionally intelligent enough to know this, she will be bad at raising a kid and a loving family. Her BF who clearly still is bonded and connects with his parents, seems like a person who would appreciate a loving family with deeper and extended ties to both side's parents and siblings. OP whereas seems like the modern girl boss and "everything and everyone is out to serve you" girl type feminist.
Yes.
I think it was a bad idea to travel with her
You should break up because of him, this isn’t solely on his mom… he knew how his mom is but still brought her even after you expressed you’re not comfortable. Seems that he doesn’t respect you much :/ sorry this happened to you. Happy belated birthday! You matter and are worthy
Also I think race shouldn’t be a factor here. I’m Korean and I have SE friends and have met their parents, not all Vietnamese are loud. As not all East Asians are quiet..
Look at this advice here. 🤣
What?
“Asian” is like the broadest term ever. India is “Asia.” So are Thailand and Vietnam. The issue is the divide between East Asian and Southeast Asian. If you need to ask such a basic question as to what makes East Asian groups cluster more closely than to Southeast Asian groups, I’m not even going to waste my time. And “arent Viets Chinese” lol nice troll Edit: Mozilla deleted all his comments on this thread (same poster behind Meta and Viasat) talking about how Vietnamese are basically ethnically Chinese/Korean/Japanese and saying at Viets are basically East Asian and that he considers himself Chinese even though he is a Viet. Self-hate to the max. Viets don’t even respect themselves and expect other races to respect them? Such a joke.
Would it be be because of his mom or because of how he’s treating you? Maybe you can give him a chance by asking him for what you want in the relationship and see if he can give that. If he continues to encourage his mom in this way and support her over you, it seems like it will only get worse if nothing changes.
This sounds like my mom and my wife years ago. When I think back I feel bad that I didn’t stand up for my wife enough. I was trying to empathize with my mom and wife at the same time, but mostly it was my mom who was in the wrong and she acted immaturely. For years we didn’t speak and as my kids were growing up, my mom finally realized that she needed to grow up if she wanted to see them. Over time things improved. It was painful. Tell your boyfriend that if she loves you, he should stand up for you and defend you in front of his mom when she is in the wrong. She will try every emotionally manipulative tool in her arsenal, so your boyfriend needs to be prepared.
So the wisdom of this story is his mom is a total dick because she is south east asia lol
You don't go on trips with Mom's
I couldn’t read the whole thing, but don’t leave a good guy if he’s good because of his mother. Parents can be a nightmare. You two form a tight circle around your relationship and don’t let anyone if you love each other. Not your parents not your children not your friends no one!
Not in the case if her boyfriend doesnt support her when parents around when she's in the right
If he loved her, he would have set boundaries with his mom. His mom showed her true colors to give OP a glimpse of what life would be like with her as an in law and the bf showed how he would respond