Wife believes that I am a narcissist, what to do?
Non work related question. I am in a tricky marriage with things not going well. I had a few personal issues before marriage that created a really strong defense mechanism and it really triggers strongly in front of aggressive people which my wife becomes when we argue. In the first year or so I used to get irritated at small things as well that really bothered wife and we used to get into big fights. My wife is really sensitive and emotional and it took me a while to understand that. I slowly changed my behaviour and things got slightly better. However things again started going downhill where we fought on minor stuff but wife would always get super aggressive/loud that would also get me in similar zone. Slowly this whole ordeal and the fact that she wasn't working , took its toll on her and she started feeling depressed. We had a detailed talk and I realised how my behaviour was messing up some stuff and I needed to be more understanding as her baggage is due to me. This year I ve tried to become super aware of her emotions and ensure that she feels better. However she has gotten stuck to the idea that I don't feel guilty on putting her in depressed state. This led her to conclude that I am narcissistic as she read a few other things online and she tends to correlate stuff (she s mostly right as well in a lot of cases as she has good initution). I strongly feel that her being in depressed state is a result of both of our actions and the situation we were in. I alone should not bear the whole burden of her state. Whenever I tell her this she goes hysterical and starts screaming that puts me further into a messy state. Maybe she wants revenge over what's happened or maybe it's my insecurity that makes me think this way. She has started overthinking too many things and is now convinced that all my older actions point to the fact that I am a narcissist and she is a victim of emotional abuse. She even brings thing that happened 1 week after marriage and says stuff like I was gaslighting and other terms from reading online. I know that things cannot be fixed by asking questions here and not looking for sympathy either. Just trying to see if anyone has been in somewhat similar situation and what did they do or is this whole thing way too weird from my wife s side (I am sure there is a huge bias here since I wrote my side of story) or am I really narcissistic. I am trying for marriage counseling bit she s not interested and I think we are heading towards a divorce.
First of all, buy her flowers, take her out to eat. Treat her well.
Next, try to see things from her shoes, build empathy, and tell her the same stuff, that you understand her and are sorry, but want to change things for better. Try reading how to win friends and influence others to develop some empathy. That's all I can suggest. Mend before it's too late.
My ex was an over thinker. She would analyze everything I say. Meditation would have helped, but had I suggested it, she would have overthinked about it as well. So, if you could somehow get her to stop that, that might help too.
Please go see an expert. Which none of us are. If you stick around you will get some random pseudo intellectual suggestions.
Perfect username
TC?
Lol
The way you write seems to indicate you at least do not have high levels of narcissism, but then again... I'm no expert. See a therapist.
Agreed. This does not read at all like a narcissist's take on the situation. Maybe OP had had some selfish behaviors, maybe he put himself first sometimes, but that is not narcissistic personality disorder. I think the OP needs couples therapy stat.
Your marriage is already over, when you get to this point there's no saving it. The question is will the divorce leave you broke and destroy your life or will you be able to move on? Do not talk with her about divorce, play nice with her but schedule right now an appointment with a divorce lawyer that specializes in defending husbands and take the necessary steps to protect yourself when the inevitable happens.
You need to shallow the redpill. r/theredpill. That should give you a better perspective and save your marriage.
trp is banned on reddit
Ah, need to go on trp.red then.
I was going to suggest seeing a marriage counselor but I see you’ve already brought it up. I would say “I know I have my issues, but I love you and I’m willing to do the hard work of making things better.” If she’s not willing to meet you halfway, then I’m afraid your conclusion is correct.
Your wife isn’t a computer, there is no process to fixing this. Sounds like you aren’t in agreement to what a marriage should be like.
This sounds allllll too familiar. I’m going through something very similar with my husband and can relate to both sides ( All our drama put me in a depressive tailspin). I can say that you seem much more self aware and empathetic than my asshat of a husband, which is a good start. I think we started therapy too late and it seems like we are headed to divorce. You both need to understand the triggers that cause this chain reaction. If your wife isn’t open to therapy right now, I’d suggest picking up ‘hold me tight’ by sue Johnson. I was starting to believe my husband was a narcissist before reading it and it changed my view point (he still is an asshat though). Each side has triggers even though it’s not obvious. You both should read it. If our therapist showed me the book sooner, I feel like I’d understand what we needed to do to break the pattern before we hit our breaking point. If your wife can relate to it and wants to work on it, find a counselor/ therapist that does eft. It might be too late for this relationship but maybe you can at least learn what triggers you and how not to fall into these patterns in future relationships. Good luck!
Thank you, this is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get.. thanks again and all the best for your future
Np. Just be smart about how you approach her. I would hope it would go without saying don’t show her this post and be like see I’m not a narcissist. That will not help your case. Try to be delicate and understand/ ask about her feelings if you see her withdrawing / getting aggressive. Make her feel safe, not attacked. Realize that your triggers cause you to react in a way that triggers her that triggers you more (and vice versa) so just put yourself in her shoes when trying to bring it up. Might be helpful to read a few chapters before doing so too if you are down for the book. It’s a nice easy read. I read books slow and I finished it in day.
Too long, didn’t read.