I was recently set up with a guy who wants to go back to India eventually. He said he would give me complete support if I don’t want to leave if it destroys my career. I was really happy to hear his support and decided to invest more deeply into the relationship. A few weeks later, he insisted that if I do not agree to go back with him, he would break the relationship right then and there. I felt cornered and I agreed to it. In all honesty, I work in research and my career choices in India are pretty limited to non-existent. Also, I work in a female deficit field which can be even more challenging (irrespective of which country I’m in). I made him aware of this and mentioned I might have to be a stay at home wife if I move back to India and asked him for a plan about the move back like when to move back, where in India does he plan to settle and what is the reason for him to move back ( in retrospect, he mentioned availability of street food as a reason and I was a bit upset that I have to give up a career for street food). I heard an earful from my family for asking him for more clarity and letting him know about my job situation in India. I just turned 30 and am subjected to lot of criticism and pressure to “settle down”. I was told that I am very picky, not open to compromise and am too career-oriented. I worked really hard to earn a PhD and develop my research. Lately I’m scared to even tell anyone if I won or achieved anything. I do want a relationship and marriage but I feel nobody cares if I am happy or not. I am feeling abandoned and very cornered. I don’t know if I should even work or aim for a career path anymore. With the constant criticism, I feel extremely discouraged to even care about life in general. Edit 1: Thank you all for the tremendous support. I just wanted to clarify one part. Regarding the reasons for moving back, he never gave me a solid reason but mentioned street food and less discrimination as perks of being in India. I can see a lot of criticism against the guy but in his defence, he never answered my question clearly. Apologies for the lack of clarity in my communication earlier. Also, I must mention that I did ask him to not contact me till he has some clarity on the move back. I did see some comments on how women would be treated differently if we gave ultimatum. I agree with those comments to a certain degree. However, despite this knowledge, I intentionally gave him a do-or-die deal to “give him the taste of his own medicine “. Please help me.#depression #burnout #mentalhealth
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Your relationship with this guy is toxic. You are better off breaking up. You have a long road ahead and you should only be in a relationship which makes you happy. He is not meeting you in the middle & clearly your happiness is not a priority for him. As for your family, you should learn to stand up to them, it might not be a bad idea to minimize contact with them
The Indian family can take a toll! I don’t have the same situation as yours but I ended up breaking ties with all my family members - simply I just done call them nor I answer their calls. I just can for 5 mins every few months and say oh I was busy. I share nothing and ask nothing. My family was jealous of me. This was the best decision of my life. I feel so light. I can focus on things I love. You can control your life. So do it!
your parents were jealous of you?
Yes. Ever heard of favoritism and induced sibling rivalry masked as competition? That one is super toxic
Break off. Tons of guys who won't prioritise street food over you
Hard to comment as someone who didnt grow up in your culture. Here in the US of A my advice is to kick him in the gonads as hard as possible and never talk to him again while telling your parents to keep their nose out of your life. Independent of Culture - Dont get forced into something your heart and brain arent into. Its your life.
This..👆👆👆👆
Go buy the book Extraordinary relationships by Dr Roberta Gilbert. It sheds a deep insight into family systems, how each of us contribute to events which makes us unhappy. About this person: break up. Work on yourself and your boundaries (especially with your family who is pressuring you).
You have done a tremendous job so far. This relationship and setup looks toxic to the core and I think this guy is a chauvinist. Street food seriously 🤦♂️… prolly a mamas boy… end this now don’t care what anyone says it’s ur life you decide the course. All the best for ur career and life!
The guy is a dick honestly.
My wife is acting like this : reason #1 street food. I will be dumping her soon (no kids). You and he should dump each other too.
May be try talking to her. Street food might be a metaphor for her missing her country and its culture.
See this hypocrisy. If man does it, he's a misogynistic ass who should be kicked in the gonads. When a woman is doing the same, it's not about street food anymore but she may be missing her country. Fucking hypocrite Amazon.
That sucks. You have an unsupportive family, and a bait and switch match for engagement. You should definitely dump the match, and think about what the long term prospects for your relationship with your family is. Is there a reason you’re choosing to go the arranges marriage route? If not, you’re still quite young, and i recommend you explore the dating market on your own for a bit.
Stand up for yourself woman. Ask yourself what you want more, your career or married family life. Also your setup sounds like a fucking douche FWIW. Street food? Are you fucking kidding me!
Yes please! U sound wayyyy more mature than that typical Indian spoilt man child. I know the kind. Please don't throw away ur life for that. Maybe be more social here and try to have dates here? Ditch that guy for sure though, please
Seriously, is this guy like 15. Street food is more of a cherry on top. Things like career, family, friends, where you live is more important and I could understand why you’d want to move. But street food?