How do you forgive? I remember shit from 10 years ago and beyond that can get me riled up at times under the right circumstances. It gets me a shot of adrenaline but I now realize it's unhealthy hatred. I've tried stuff like meditation but it doesn't really work for me. Anyone able to get past the past?
Depending on how you process things, you could read The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. In terms of "suckers" "cheaters" and "grudgers" grudging but with forgiveness turns out to be the optimal strategy. It's a neat way to model behaviors.
Thx. Are these terms from the book? Grudging sounds like not forgiving...
Yeah Dawkins coined the terms. https://biology.stackexchange.com/questions/2022/why-is-grudger-an-evolutionary-stable-strategy
What kinds of things specifically? Petty things, or business partners that screwed you out of hundreds of thousands?
Both, not a business partner literally but events with consequences of over a million. But also petty things. It's weird, I've shrugged off a lot of petty stuff even in real time but a few things make me daydream vengeance. Usually has to do with someone taking advantage of my rookie status in that situation.
I think he asked about âPrettyâ things. If he meant petty, that is fine. But pretty things can be hard to forget too.
Do not forgive, do not forget, anonymous, etc.
Check out a book called Forgive for Good. Changed my life.
Thx. What were some memorable takeaways? Was the format theory? exercises?
Itâs science-based but also contains anecdotes... I felt the key takeaways were arguments for why and tactical suggestions on how to forgive. It makes a powerful argument that by holding resentment you harm primarily yourself. One of the more memorable bits for me was about how when you hold onto it focus on anger, you are like a police officer standing on the side of the highway writing tickets for the cars that speed past. Youâll never be able to deliver those tickets, but they will cause you substantial frustration and hurt. Also covers tactics for not personalizing hurts.
Have you thought about asking God to help you accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference?
Send thoughts and prayers!!
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Think about the Attack on Pearl Harbor. Did Americans forgive? Yeah, Japan is the one of the most important allies. Did Americans forget? No, Pearl Harbor is the initial reason for Yokosuka Military Base and spy planes all over the world. Use your hatred wisely.
Realize that you have wronged many and you (like all of us) have wronged God. Seek his forgiveness and when you find that in Christ, forgiving others will be the next logical step. And you'll be free (see John 8:32). That or uh, Ayahuasca. Just kidding.
Why do you say that I have wronged many?
OP, I didn't mean to suggest that I know anything about you or you've done. I meant that to be human is to sometimes believe wrong things, to act on wrong impulses, and to harm others. It should be clear to someone who is sufficiently introspective that they have wronged others in their life. There is a tremendous freedom in honestly, openly taking account of ourselves and admitting the wrong we have done. But that leaves you needing forgiveness for what you have done. Me and many others have found that in Christ, and that brought freedom from shame and guilt and the moral ability to forgive others and mean it. But you have to get in touch with your own junk first.
I used to have trouble with this as well. Sincerely wanting to change, as you are, is a huge step. When I find myself mad at someone, I think to mistakes I have made, and how thankful I am that others forgave me. I also remind myself the other person may be having a bad day, or hitting a rough patch in life.
The trick to forgiving is to simply let it go. By wishing you could go back and change, by wishing someone is to pay for what happened, you simply keep bringing it back up and not letting yourself move on. What really helps is to simply accept that it happened, merge with it, and let it go. It is as simple as it sounds. Youâre the only one who is making it complicated, youâre literally fighting against yourself. Currently, youâre looking for a trick, a method that will give you permission/have you accept that you can do it, but the truth is you donât need it as long as you allow yourself to just let it go. You think there is something to forgive for, it is a thing that is separate from you which eats you up, but it is still a part of you. So let it be, merge with it. That is all. The negative feelings you experience arenât that much different from happiness, joy, sadness, anger, and you donât have problem handling those, eh? It is just s feeling, and it is you focusing on it and giving it power is what eats you up. If you simply say âyeah, shit happened, I got mad, it pissed me off, but if I donât let it go I will be stuck in that moment again, and again, and again. Let it just be. So, whatâs for dinner?â If you need more guidance, look up Sedona method. The trick is to understand your thoughts arenât you, your feelings arenât you, it is just something that happens, so let it be. Iâve spent a decade reading psychology, self-help books, went to therapists, and none of it worked. All it took was to realize there was nothing to fight against, there wasnât anything separate, it was all me. So I simply accepted what happened and a sense of incredible peace come over me. I used this method for traumas that have been eating me on the inside for more than a decade. It took me less than half an hour, i only watched the intro video they had on Sedona website to understand the basic principle which is all you need. All the best. Feel free to PM if you need help.
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Have you tried therapy? Some stuff just wonât go away. But you can get over it quicker.
Nope, I'm told therapists just like to talk about stuff but don't really change anything?
Well. Iâve tried it. It helps. All of that talking has a purpose. But it depends on the problem I suppose.