he wants open, i’m considering
my partner of double digit years has casually talked about wanting to open our relationship over the last 3-4 years. it was never something presented in a serious way, so i never seriously considered it. said partner has now stepped outside of our relationship (read cheated), and openly confessed while also saying they’d really like to continue seeing the new person and not lose me or the relationship we’ve built. i’m crushed, hurt, angry, confused, and very sad, but not really shocked because of the casual mentions in the past. i’m also very early in the processing of all of this, so i’m sure my emotions will continue to change. i recognize that our communication sucks. i recognize that therapy could and maybe should be a next step to just deal with where we are now. i do love him, and also see how some of my unmet needs could be fulfilled in an open scenario. how hard are open relationships to maintain? in my case - can one even be started with what has already occurred?
Get ready for divorce, just sayin
I’m positive to open relationships but they are very hard to maintain. My partners always end up feeling jealous and then they try hard to make me jealous which becomes toxic very quickly (I don’t get jealous). The harder part is when you find someone that you start prioritizing above your main partner (this will eventually happen). Now, the most important part here is communication and trust. Your man has already crushed your trust for him. This is not the correct way to enter an open relationship. I’m really sorry to hear that this happened to you, rebuilding trust is extremely hard and if your man doesn’t do everything to rebuild it with you, it will fall over and over again.
It’s orgy time!!
I’m sorry to hear this happened to you OP. Part of long term committed relationships and marriages is to forsake all others. It’s a continuous choice, not a single one, and he has shown that he doesn’t want to keep choosing you. He wants to “sometimes choose you.” It’s up to you whether you can be ok with that. The only people I know who managed to have open relationships work had stellar communication and actively fought against jealousy. A communication breakdown led to both your needs and his needs not being met. I’d try to fix what is between the two of you before you introduce a third or fourth person to your relationship. Just as having kids never makes a bad relationship better, the same is likely true of adding more people to the mix.
This is what you get for considering marriage an outdated concept. Only soln is I see is consider a new partner and while the excitement still exists in that relation, get married.
appreciate your pov - but i don’t think married people are exempt from this situation. not sure that’s a foolproof soln.
At least there is a cost for the other person to break the relationship. That means the temptations have to cross a certain thresholds. There is none otherwise.
How was your sex life? I'm definitely not condoning what he did, but it's really hard for a man in his scenario to be living an awesome life with someone as great as you sound without also getting good/frequent sex with you. Many guys are not looking for a better woman, they want you, but if they can't have you, then they look elsewhere. Personal experience unfortunately.
great question. this is all anonymous right *nervous laughter* sex life is good. we have 🚀 and 🎆 every once in a while, but consistently i’d say it’s good. he says he would like it more often, but periodically rejects advances. i could definitely use more satisfaction but i’ve become complacent and i know that’s on me. we’re human. we work hard. we play hard. we aren’t gold medal sex achievers, but we’re also not dragging at the end of the line. i think “open” for him is adventure not quantity (i think he would agree but maybe not). adventure is something i’ve done in my past - and would possibly consider again under the right circumstances.
It sounds like you guys are *doing* the right thing. Between his desire for adventure and your complacency I recommend you both treat yourselves to some spice that will help in both of these areas. Two things I've tried are going on a sexcation or the Gottman Card Decks app (Gottman are well know relationship therapists.) Look at the Hot Salsa deck and I'm sure you will both find something mutually exciting in there. Back to your original post, I'd say not to go open. Don't try to change him, but you fell in love in the first place and the adventure is still in there 👍
I think open relationships are ridiculous. I do not know one person that has had one successfully for more than 2 years. Beyond that, I’m sure that the guy cheating is much much more indicative of some core issues or needs he could work through than something as simple as sexual pleasure. You aren’t not putting out enough. You aren’t not good enough. You guys just need to talk about what are the core feelings under all of this and need to learn to communicate if you want to move forward together. It also takes two. If they’re not willing, I would leave. Source: I was unfaithful to my wife and made all of the excuses one could think of. It was a chicken shit thing to do that stemmed from problems I’ve had since childhood. My wife’s grace and mercy in the face of it has been incredible to behold. I’m truly indebted to the professionals in my life and my wife for being a much better man today.
agreed and thank you. it makes me want to do the 5 Whys on him to get to the bottom of why.... what i don’t and won’t do is try and fix him. i’m focused on me right now.
If you would feel comfortable, I can give some specific suggestions that will make this much easier on you based on my wife’s experience. Pm me if you’d like. Best of luck.
Well ur husband is considered and asked for open relationship as he have had an option outside the marriage. Once that option goes away, he may ask to not have open relationship. Don't agree to this open relationship BS.
You haven't built anything.
touché.
I’d ditch that dude and pursue another open relationship. Dude cheated already
^ this. plus I question if you'd really want to have an open relationship and share your partner with someone else.