Background: Wife and I’ve been together for 13 years. Married for 5. Dated and lived together for the first 8. Similar backgrounds - average college, not engineers, started our careers in call centers. Not sure if it matters - but inter caste marriage. Wife’s family spoke to me for the first time 4 years ago. Wife’s family didn’t attend our wedding (I didn’t care much at that time, neither do I care now as well) Present: Since 2016 we’ve been trying to have a baby. After 8 failed IUI’s and 5 IVF failures until 2021, and with 100’s of injections for my wife, doctor visits and the money that’s gone into it - I feel like I am done with this kid thing. Since 2016 until today I’ve had sex may be 10-15 times that too planned based on timing and doctor recommendations. I feel for my wife, she has gone through the worst and respect her strength and determination of seeing through this. Since the beginning of this process, she is like this relationship is not working out. I am financially stable now and we have everything that a upper middle class family would have and would do. She has doubts as she feels I am not keen as she is in this journey of having a baby. We’ve been fighting so much that we don’t speak anymore. It’s been 10 months since we’ve had a decent conversation. I’ve been trying to give her space to get out of the agony of loosing the pregnancies. We just fight over and over and over. She is unemployed for the last 3 odd years. She has been trying to find a job which is niche and difficult to find during the pandemic. We moved countries that added to further frustrations. I personally believe her CV is not up to the mark and her attitude that She’ll not get a job ever has made me very anxious. Every time she gets an interview call she bombs it for some reason. If I try to help her by logging into her LinkedIn or emails and respond to recruiters we fight like crazy. She shouts, yells and she doesn’t seem to understand that I am trying to help her. Recently she cleared all rounds in an interview, HR said they’ll get back as everyone liked her and next day the HR asked do you have experience in a different module of SAP, she made up her mind that she isn’t getting the job. We waited for over a week in anticipation and I secretly replied back to the HR asking for an update. May be I was looking for a closure myself even though she had made up her mind that she is not getting this job. We fought very bad and she has decided to call it quits again. Btw, she doesn’t have any place to go to. She hates her family. She doesn’t know to drive, I manage the finances and now I feel she wants to quit this relationship but unfortunately doesn’t have anywhere to go. Visa adding another layer of burden on us. She sits on the bed whole day, on YouTube and walks the dog twice. I know it’s difficult to focus on something else when everything you desire for doesn’t happen. Be it a kid, a job anything. I’ve offered to help her learn to drive, exercise, something to keep your mind engaged, she doesn’t want to do it. We’ve not taken a holiday since the last 5-6 years. I empathize with her. We have no friends, our family on both sides don’t know that we’ve gone through so many rounds of IVF. It’s a mess. I’ve offered to book flights, hotels that’ll have a change of scenery for her - but in vain. I want her to see a therapist and I’ll see one too and make this work. But she doesn’t want to see one. She doesn’t want to see a marriage counselor either. I told her that we should involve a family member and it’s high time we speak about all of this and get a 3rd person perspective. But she is adamant of finding a solution at this point. She keeps saying that she wants to end her life, kill her and I fear she is getting dragged into a black hole. We don’t have any eye contact and still continue to live under the same roof. I work 50+ hours a week, it’s difficult to focus at work. I’ve seen its impact on my relationships with my peers. I believe I’ve done the best I could do in this journey of having a baby, appointments between meetings at work, driver around, keep track of injections, give her the injections each day - it’s scary and painful to see the other person suffer. Yet, she feels I am not like other husbands on TikTok or Instagram who do a million more things for their wife’s who are going through an IVF. I am sure I’ve ton stuff that she doesn’t like or appreciate. I am also sure she’ll have a different point of view of the whole situation. The easiest way out is separation. But I’ve held on this relationship for the last 5 years being optimist about the future and hoping that time and space is a healer. In these 5 years, our friends, our families have had babies and it’s painful for her to see all of them having kids and she can’t. The only conversation/fight we have is someone on my Facebook friends list had a baby and they posted online. She didn’t attend my brothers baby shower and we fought because I attended that and I felt irrespective of how she feels about she not able to have a baby - social obligations are a must. I am reaching to y’all to share your thoughts & perspectives on my situation and what should I be doing. Appreciate your patience in reading through this long post and I look forward to some real advice. Thanks a ton 🙏
Thanks you for sharing! I am not very informed on these matters but wanted to wish you luck! Hope you get some good advice 😊👍
Such environment must be taking a toll on your mental well-being too. Do you have an option to see a therapist by yourself? And perhaps try to work out your issues through your therapy?
I am going to find one. If you have any recommendations plz do share or DM.
I think you should feel extremely lucky that you haven't managed to get her pregnant. Kids usually don't improve relationships, they put on additional strain, and your relationship seems to have run its course for a few years now. I would love to tell you that therapy and a change in attitude would fix this, but with so much baggage and such a long time, do you feel like you'll ever love each other again?
I’ve told her the exact thing - before we have kids, sort our own issues, unfortunately I feel that it’s too late. There is just no understanding and every point I try to make or convey is twisted as a complaint and makes the situation worse. I don’t know about love, but I do know that time heals everything and when she is at the lowest in her life, I don’t want to punch her and push her further down by leaving.
That's understandable, but also consider that she might continue being at the lowest point in her life for 15 more years. You've already struggled for 5 years - when will be a good time? BTW I'm talking from experience. I waited for many years. I don't regret it, but I also know how it ends, and that you're probably wasting time.
What are you getting out of this relationship exactly...?
At this point I have no idea. Each morning I wake up feeling what the hell is going on.
maybe you can get a therapist through with benefit. at ibm we have such benefits for personal use
Yes I am going to find a therapist for sure.
Maybe you can think of adoption if you both are comfortable in that. That way she will get purpose in life.
Adoption is a joke. In the US it costs upwards of 50k. In India as NRI’s you get kids with some form of mental challenges. It’s crazy when so many kids in Syria and all over the world need homes, the process is so difficult. Even after you spend 50k in the US, it can take anywhere from 3 years to 6 years to finally get approved. We’ve tried that as well.
Life entire purpose is not just to have kids. It is rule set up by society and there are people who by choice decide not to have kids. I think your wife needs to understand there is more to life than to have kids. Ask her to spend time or help people who are poor or are not privilege in life then probably she might realise not everyone gets what they want. Sometime we just have to learn to live with what we have and happy in that. Life is not fair to everyone and definitely not what appears to be on Facebook so ask her to cut her off from that for some time . I personally know people who post all good pictures and internally they have many issues in there relationship. She should be grateful that she has someone beside her and need to move on in her life with purpose.
If you think that a baby is the main concern you guys should adopt one.
As mentioned on the reply below, adoption is a joke all over the world. We’ve tried that and I don’t think it makes sense to wait for another 6 years, spend $50k and have a baby at 42.
If you really want a child, 50k is nothing. Afoption isn't a joke, it's honorable. 42 isn't too late.
Can you take a sabbatical from your job? If you are working 50h weeks you cant focus on your personal life. You are at the edge between losing everything and gaining everything. Your job isn't important your wife is. Tell her you love her. Take her to therapy. Get out into nature. Go somewhere. Try to build back the love. It's possible she feels shitty because everyone around her has a career and kids. Maybe if both of you can take a year off somewhere nice, fix your relationship and then figure out your career and lives after that?
I am ready to leave everything for her. If it’s India, if it’s Germany. Wherever anytime. Let’s go. Visas, green card, jobs, money don’t matter to me. I am sure I am capable of surviving for however long. I am not sure what else I can do to push her to go.
Do you have a therapist? If not, get one. Don’t use Blind for that - we are not qualified.
I don’t have one. I feel my wife needs it more than I do. But can’t seem to convince her to see one.
Sounds like I can’t convince you either. I guess you two are more similar than you thought. ;) (Btw, therapy isn’t like taking a pill, you have to be in the right mindset going in for it to be effective. The fact that you aren’t open to the idea suggests that your wife feels the same way. It isn’t going to change without you actually committing to change by trying it.)