I am senior engineer. I am above average but not the best Engineer out there. I dread my work. It has been the same ever since I started 7 years ago even though I worked in high profile supposedly interesting projects/companies by the standards of many. I hate it when there is something I do not know and I need to research it and learn it and this is basically the nature of this job. I keep procrastinating till the last minute and then force myself to do it. I eventually do it but I usually miss the deadline which triggers pressure from management that I cover up with bullshitting. Hey, I get the job done at the end of the day. I have been chasing financial freedom for a while but it only makes me more miserable.
6 years of childless mixed marriage to a truly beautiful and kind wife. However, I am horny all the time but for some reason my semen does not have enough motile sperms which is ironic. My wife is not huge fan of sex. When we have sex I feel like it is a duty for her. This resulted in countless times in the strip club and happy ending massages which feels now like addiction that I cannot stop to at least get rid of the guilt and self loath feelings. Most of the time I am bored and find myself searching for girls online on dating websites looking at their photos and feeling a burning desire and guilt all at the same time. I never had an intercourse with another woman while married but I played around a lot. Mostly with escorts and strippers. I avoid relationships that will cause drama. I feel bad for my wife but I cannot tell her anything. It will end everything which I am not sure I want. I am not sure I can last longer without being discovered though.
My brain feels like it will explode from all of these thoughts. It drains my energy. I feel no desire to do anything after work other than looking up girls online. I do not have anything that I like to do or feel passionate about. I smoke like a chimney to overcome the stress. I feel like my body will not be able to take it anymore.
Setup an appointment to see a psychiatrist and be brutally honest.
Your psychiatrist will likely recommend that you take a medical leave of absence from work - Your problem is likely rooted beneath the behaviors you described which is why a medical leave of absence is warranted.
Take your therapy seriously and be honest.
Enjoy your life again
*I don’t speak from direct experience but rather from seeing people close to me struggle with, and recover from, the same types of issues.