Deppressed? Horrible person?

Amazon depressed?
Aug 20, 2018 71 Comments

Work:
I am senior engineer. I am above average but not the best Engineer out there. I dread my work. It has been the same ever since I started 7 years ago even though I worked in high profile supposedly interesting projects/companies by the standards of many. I hate it when there is something I do not know and I need to research it and learn it and this is basically the nature of this job. I keep procrastinating till the last minute and then force myself to do it. I eventually do it but I usually miss the deadline which triggers pressure from management that I cover up with bullshitting. Hey, I get the job done at the end of the day. I have been chasing financial freedom for a while but it only makes me more miserable.

Marriage:
6 years of childless mixed marriage to a truly beautiful and kind wife. However, I am horny all the time but for some reason my semen does not have enough motile sperms which is ironic. My wife is not huge fan of sex. When we have sex I feel like it is a duty for her. This resulted in countless times in the strip club and happy ending massages which feels now like addiction that I cannot stop to at least get rid of the guilt and self loath feelings. Most of the time I am bored and find myself searching for girls online on dating websites looking at their photos and feeling a burning desire and guilt all at the same time. I never had an intercourse with another woman while married but I played around a lot. Mostly with escorts and strippers. I avoid relationships that will cause drama. I feel bad for my wife but I cannot tell her anything. It will end everything which I am not sure I want. I am not sure I can last longer without being discovered though.

My brain feels like it will explode from all of these thoughts. It drains my energy. I feel no desire to do anything after work other than looking up girls online. I do not have anything that I like to do or feel passionate about. I smoke like a chimney to overcome the stress. I feel like my body will not be able to take it anymore.

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TOP 71 Comments
  • Docker / R&D
    SQL_Inject

    Docker R&D

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    First of all, you are not alone. Secondly, despite what people may say and/or you’re inclined to believe, there is no ‘quick fix’ that will result in a sustainable solution for this type of problem - in reality, you’re dealing with an addiction. It’s all about behavior modification in conjunction with therapy, over an extended period of time. What many fail to acknowledge is the fact that the brain reward pathways literally change during active addiction and take time to heal.

    Step 1:
    Setup an appointment to see a psychiatrist and be brutally honest.

    Step 2:
    Your psychiatrist will likely recommend that you take a medical leave of absence from work - Your problem is likely rooted beneath the behaviors you described which is why a medical leave of absence is warranted.

    Initially, you can tell your wife it’s due to stress.

    Step 3:
    Take your therapy seriously and be honest.

    Step 4:
    Enjoy your life again

    *I don’t speak from direct experience but rather from seeing people close to me struggle with, and recover from, the same types of issues.
    Aug 20, 2018 4
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I am considering that. Is a psychiatrist different from therapist? I tried therapy before and it was not helpful. It is hard to find good ones as well that will understand the cultural/background complexities.
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Docker / R&D
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      Yes it’s different:

      Psychiatrist’s are doctors (MD) while Therapists/Psychologists have a Masters and/or PhD.

      One is not ‘better’ than the other, but it would be ideal to see a psychiatrist first as they can prescribe medications if needed.
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Do I need a referral to see a psychatrist?
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Docker / R&D
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      Typically no unless you’re insurance is Kaiser. Do some online research for psychiatrists in your area and try to find a few that have overlapping experience treating what you’re dealing with - then contact them to setup an appointment. They may not accept insurance so just a heads up...remember it’s an investment in yourself.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • Apple SliceOfLyf
    The most honest post I have read so far in blind. You should start meditating. Just for 5 mins daily and you will feel better yourself. Knowing your soul without judging it , is pretty amazing. Find a quiet place, put your phone in don’t disturb and play some soothing music(i like nature’s) and try to focus on one particular sound from that music for 5 mins.
    Aug 20, 2018 0
  • Uber / Other
    K7PP31

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    Please talk to your wife about your sexual needs. It's nothing to be ashamed about and needs are needs. Your goal should be to have a conversation where both people's needs are heard and understood. She will most likely feel bad that you are keeping your needs from her in order to save her from guilt of being unable to satisfy your needs.

    Hopefully you can reach some compromise where you find what works in the bedroom as well as to get her to open up about her needs that you aren't fulfilling. The goal should be open conversation about yourselves and needs, not any of the other stuff you said.
    Aug 20, 2018 2
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      We talked about it a couple of years ago. She put some effort to increase frequency but it was clear she is just doing it as duty. We do have some passionate sex from time to time but this happens like once every few months which is not enough for me. I feel bad dragging her into the same conversation again.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Uber / Other
      K7PP31

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      Needs don't go away magically, and definitely doesn't go away by just repressing it. The conversation needs to continue or else she will think everything is fine and you will grow resentful or exercise your needs in unhealthy ways.

      Please work towards being able to properly communicate your needs. She's your partner, not a delicate wife you're trying to avoid hurting or making her feel bad. If you have needs that aren't being met, you should handle it together as a team.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • GE / Eng
    🤓letssee

    GE Eng

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    Symantec
    🤓letsseemore
    U need positivity. Start by doing some physical activity running or swimming is best. Try to set a goal like 5k or half marathon. This will give u positivity and avoid getting naughty thoughts.

    Devote ur time for some couple activity like dancing or charity or whatever u guys are into. This will bring in spark in life and excitement.

    Professionally try to learn new stuff. Hitting reset button and learning new language or topic like AI or ML will challenge u and build u for next career growth.

    Hope this helps
    Aug 20, 2018 2
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      The irony is that I know all that. I read so many self improvements books. I tried a couple of your suggestions but nothing lasts. I feel drained. No energy to do anything. I force myself to go to crossfit sometimes. I tried swimming. I tried learning woodworking. I tried learning a new language. She wants to go do some activities all the time but I do not feel like it. It makes me cry internally and sometimes externally when there is no one around!
      Aug 20, 2018
    • GE / Eng
      🤓letssee

      GE Eng

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      🤓letsseemore
      Man u really need therapy. I was in a three year relationship where I was miserable like you. Normally this happens when u both have opposite personality. Either u work on ur relation or part way I parted ways and much happy now.
      Aug 20, 2018
  • Intel Path2Dirty
    Well, at least you are honest (on an anonymous chat forum). You know what the problems are, what are you going to do about it? Probably the most pressing is dealing with the need for new female stimuli. 7 YOE? So coming up on 30? Or 30+? Having kids may make things worse, if you were counting on a baby making you give up your vices. Cranky bloated wife + crazy crying baby and sleepless nights will probably push you to the strippers more to escape the dadlife.
    Aug 20, 2018 2
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Yea 32. We did a couple of iuis that did not work and were planning on doing ivf but somehow that discussion died. Looks like we are both not ready
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Intel Path2Dirty
      Ivf is a long and painful process. A friend did it. She had to get painful shots everyday for many months. Also, not cheap, probably around 20k not including hospital fees for the birth. However, she had a successful conception and gave birth last year. She will always have that over her husband during any future argument, lol! If still going to strippers and your wife finds out after doing IVF successfully or unsuccessfully, she will probably kill you.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • Stop watching porn. Its hard but doable.
    Aug 20, 2018 1
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Not watching porn that often actually. I used to when I was younger. It is not enough anymore!
      Aug 20, 2018
  • Aptiv wmxS66
    Stop drinking
    Aug 20, 2018 5
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Maybe you mean start drinking more often? I rarely drink
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Aptiv wmxS66
      Well, stripclubs without drinking is worrisome. Definitely don't start drinking. Get something to boost dopamine levels
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Like What? And how dopamine boost would solve my problems?
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Aptiv wmxS66
      I'm not qualified to give medical advice. So I stay away from suggesting drugs, you can search yourself.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Aptiv wmxS66
      But even without medication, just get a lot of meaningful physical activity. For me riding bicycle to work 15 miles one way, did a huge difference at work and family.
      Aug 20, 2018
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Go fuck yourself!
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Microsoft f(x)
      WTF cqof10? You are a terrible piece of shit.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • Amazon 218
    Please watch snake diet motivation on you tube. It’s harsh but it’s for people like you OP. If you hate your job you need to quit it and stop messing your wife s life now before you have a kid. Good luck and positive energy to you
    Aug 20, 2018 6
    • Amazon Site
      It’s more motivational for people to give up on things they are conflicted about, besides the not eating part
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I fast one month every year. I wish I could tell you it helps.
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Amazon Site
      Your fast seems religious , we are talking about giving up possessions. Do you know that the amount of money you spend on massages etc could be feeding 10 people in the world. Privileged much?
      Aug 21, 2018
    • New twope1
      Site, and you are judgemental much? This was hardly the time to be sermoning! Obviously OP is not having a normal state of body and mind, and has couple-issues with his personal life - or did that part totally elude you?
      Aug 22, 2018
    • Amazon Site
      He is judging himself as a terrible person. I am trying to help him here. At least give something a try before knocking it down. What made king , rulers and barbaric leaders towards a path of penance, peace and renounce everything they owned? What couldn’t they afford in this world that could give them satisfaction ? OP says he fast a month so that’s a good thing, try that over a period of time. Your energy and vibrations tend to very strong with a simple lifestyle. We have all gone through this and struggled to control our emotions and not giving into all these temptations isn’t easy but we are all going through this. Watch the movie “ fasting” on Netflix that part was for the health benefits/ sperm issues. Try and tell me
      Aug 22, 2018
  • Amazon HpyB51
    Maybe try finding a temporary dev job in another country? It could brighten up your work with new experinces snd your relationship may improve too with a bit of adventures.
    Aug 20, 2018 2
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Waiting for citizenship. Not happening before next year so cannot move before that but seriously considering it. Quit, leave and not even work for 6 months to a year.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I am afraid me is just gonna be me though just in a different location
      Aug 20, 2018
  • Microsoft f(x)
    I think you need to seek professional help. Many times it has to do with hormones which potentially can be regulated with treatment. It could also be psychological issues. Btw, low motility is not a big issue nowadays. Try IUI and if that doesnt help after 3 attempts, try IVF. There are vitamins specifically targeted at this as well.
    Aug 20, 2018 2
    • Microsoft f(x)
      This was useful for me to improve motility - Daily Wellness Company Fertility Blend Men 60 Veggie Caps https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009DB5JQM/
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I did all kind of tests. Hormones are as good as it gets. No physical thing that can be fixed with surgeries. We tried iui like 5 times and it did not work. This was a source of depression for quite some time. I did not know what is wrong with me which is even more frustrating. I do not think about it that much now. My wife does not like the ivf idea. She says it is too artificial. We eventually decided to do it but we keep pushing it. Looks like we are both not ready
      Aug 20, 2018
  • Google zrc
    How you doing now ?
    Mar 13 0
  • Amazon LoanerBadg
    Sometime it's not what more you need to do, but learning how to be content with what you have.
    Aug 21, 2018 0
  • Amazon jqbM87
    There's a book called "she comes first". Try reading that and your wife might be more interested in sex.
    Aug 20, 2018 0
  • Facebook / Eng 4x4
    If you dread your work, why are you still doing it?
    Aug 20, 2018 3
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      :) because life is not that simple. Nothing else pays the same. I have mortgage, bills to pay and family overseas that depends on me.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I also do not know how to do anything else.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Facebook / Eng 4x4
      Welcome to how 50% Americans feel about the job(minus not having enough money).

      Find a hobby? Looks like you are looking for mindless activity that brings you joy. Try playing multiplayer games, biking/hiking, reading books. Anything that fills up time and replaces bad habits.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • Yelp CapKirk
    It's time to face it. You need therapy. Some personal therapy initially and couple therapy later on. Feels like you could afford it.
    Unless there is a psychiatrist in blind, I feel any advise would be too shallow.
    Good luck!
    Aug 20, 2018 3
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I tried therapy for few months last year. I could not say everything and they guy was just listening, summarizing what I say in an elegant way but nothing much other than that. It felt a bit better to get the shit out of my chest but it was not very helpful. It felt like talking to myself. No advice, no follow up actions to do.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Yelp CapKirk
      There is sex therapy for addictive behavior. You could try that
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Yelp CapKirk
      And there are somatic therapists in SF who help couple with mismatch in sexual desire. That kind of help seems most relevant to you.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • Cisco / Eng
    ...-

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    I think you know more than me,
    Don’t hide guilt, it’s faded if it’s happens again and again.
    You don’t even feel shameful(now you are) in future to do the same things (which you explained above) what you are doing now.
    I was like you, I just tried to hit gym and I completely stop opening dating apps/websites either in my phone or laptop.
    For you it might be different physical activity you get interest, you said you tried most of them, but try one by one till you find some interest in some activity. I hope you will find one day.
    Aug 21, 2018 0
  • Facebook Almostdone
    I’m half way through to get to the same spot where you are now.
    Aug 20, 2018 3
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      It is actually more complicated but I was just trying to be brief.
      Aug 20, 2018
    • Facebook Almostdone
      What stops you to move to the intercourse with other women, or from secretly dating?
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I used to be very religious. I am still some how religious but apparently not as before. Intercourse with another woman while married is a big no no in my religion. All the other stuff I am doing is not okay as well but does not carry the same weight. I am also a paranoid son of a bitch. I do not want to catch any std and pass it to the poor innocent wife. Just the idea of this happening makes me even more deppressed. I have done multiple std tests even when I have been told my encounters had basically 0 risk.
      Aug 21, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      I did not. It is hard to find a good psychatrist that I can trust and think will be helpful. Reviews are not very helpful either. I did travel for some time though. I usually return motivated to change after travels. I have not been to any of the shady places for over 1.5 months. I reduced my smoking significantly as well. I started taking vitamin D daily. I changed my team. I try to stay home longer. Sex is improving with wife. I did not talk to her directly but gave some hints here and there and it looks like she is also enjoying my better mood. The urge to go back to the shady places is coming back to me every now and then but I keep fighting it. I guess the longer I stay away from them the harder it will get to go back there. I am growing bored everyday which I think is the main problem but I am trying to keep myself busy.
      Oct 21, 2018
    • Amazon depressed?
      OP
      Thanks for the kind words and support
      Oct 22, 2018
  • Cisco / Eng jazk27
    Would you recommend an escort in bay area?
    Jun 3 1
    • Docker / R&D
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      Yes, Stacy is great. You can find her outside The Henry Hotel in the Tenderloin most nights between 12-5am.
      Oct 20

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