Work: I am senior engineer. I am above average but not the best Engineer out there. I dread my work. It has been the same ever since I started 7 years ago even though I worked in high profile supposedly interesting projects/companies by the standards of many. I hate it when there is something I do not know and I need to research it and learn it and this is basically the nature of this job. I keep procrastinating till the last minute and then force myself to do it. I eventually do it but I usually miss the deadline which triggers pressure from management that I cover up with bullshitting. Hey, I get the job done at the end of the day. I have been chasing financial freedom for a while but it only makes me more miserable. Marriage: 6 years of childless mixed marriage to a truly beautiful and kind wife. However, I am horny all the time but for some reason my semen does not have enough motile sperms which is ironic. My wife is not huge fan of sex. When we have sex I feel like it is a duty for her. This resulted in countless times in the strip club and happy ending massages which feels now like addiction that I cannot stop to at least get rid of the guilt and self loath feelings. Most of the time I am bored and find myself searching for girls online on dating websites looking at their photos and feeling a burning desire and guilt all at the same time. I never had an intercourse with another woman while married but I played around a lot. Mostly with escorts and strippers. I avoid relationships that will cause drama. I feel bad for my wife but I cannot tell her anything. It will end everything which I am not sure I want. I am not sure I can last longer without being discovered though. My brain feels like it will explode from all of these thoughts. It drains my energy. I feel no desire to do anything after work other than looking up girls online. I do not have anything that I like to do or feel passionate about. I smoke like a chimney to overcome the stress. I feel like my body will not be able to take it anymore.
Well, at least you are honest (on an anonymous chat forum). You know what the problems are, what are you going to do about it? Probably the most pressing is dealing with the need for new female stimuli. 7 YOE? So coming up on 30? Or 30+? Having kids may make things worse, if you were counting on a baby making you give up your vices. Cranky bloated wife + crazy crying baby and sleepless nights will probably push you to the strippers more to escape the dadlife.
Yea 32. We did a couple of iuis that did not work and were planning on doing ivf but somehow that discussion died. Looks like we are both not ready
Ivf is a long and painful process. A friend did it. She had to get painful shots everyday for many months. Also, not cheap, probably around 20k not including hospital fees for the birth. However, she had a successful conception and gave birth last year. She will always have that over her husband during any future argument, lol! If still going to strippers and your wife finds out after doing IVF successfully or unsuccessfully, she will probably kill you.
There's a book called "she comes first". Try reading that and your wife might be more interested in sex.
U need positivity. Start by doing some physical activity running or swimming is best. Try to set a goal like 5k or half marathon. This will give u positivity and avoid getting naughty thoughts. Devote ur time for some couple activity like dancing or charity or whatever u guys are into. This will bring in spark in life and excitement. Professionally try to learn new stuff. Hitting reset button and learning new language or topic like AI or ML will challenge u and build u for next career growth. Hope this helps
The irony is that I know all that. I read so many self improvements books. I tried a couple of your suggestions but nothing lasts. I feel drained. No energy to do anything. I force myself to go to crossfit sometimes. I tried swimming. I tried learning woodworking. I tried learning a new language. She wants to go do some activities all the time but I do not feel like it. It makes me cry internally and sometimes externally when there is no one around!
Man u really need therapy. I was in a three year relationship where I was miserable like you. Normally this happens when u both have opposite personality. Either u work on ur relation or part way I parted ways and much happy now.
Stop watching porn. Its hard but doable.
Not watching porn that often actually. I used to when I was younger. It is not enough anymore!
Please talk to your wife about your sexual needs. It's nothing to be ashamed about and needs are needs. Your goal should be to have a conversation where both people's needs are heard and understood. She will most likely feel bad that you are keeping your needs from her in order to save her from guilt of being unable to satisfy your needs. Hopefully you can reach some compromise where you find what works in the bedroom as well as to get her to open up about her needs that you aren't fulfilling. The goal should be open conversation about yourselves and needs, not any of the other stuff you said.
We talked about it a couple of years ago. She put some effort to increase frequency but it was clear she is just doing it as duty. We do have some passionate sex from time to time but this happens like once every few months which is not enough for me. I feel bad dragging her into the same conversation again.
Needs don't go away magically, and definitely doesn't go away by just repressing it. The conversation needs to continue or else she will think everything is fine and you will grow resentful or exercise your needs in unhealthy ways. Please work towards being able to properly communicate your needs. She's your partner, not a delicate wife you're trying to avoid hurting or making her feel bad. If you have needs that aren't being met, you should handle it together as a team.
First of all, you are not alone. Secondly, despite what people may say and/or you’re inclined to believe, there is no ‘quick fix’ that will result in a sustainable solution for this type of problem - in reality, you’re dealing with an addiction. It’s all about behavior modification in conjunction with therapy, over an extended period of time. What many fail to acknowledge is the fact that the brain reward pathways literally change during active addiction and take time to heal. Step 1: Setup an appointment to see a psychiatrist and be brutally honest. Step 2: Your psychiatrist will likely recommend that you take a medical leave of absence from work - Your problem is likely rooted beneath the behaviors you described which is why a medical leave of absence is warranted. <side note> Initially, you can tell your wife it’s due to stress. Step 3: Take your therapy seriously and be honest. Step 4: Enjoy your life again *I don’t speak from direct experience but rather from seeing people close to me struggle with, and recover from, the same types of issues.
I am considering that. Is a psychiatrist different from therapist? I tried therapy before and it was not helpful. It is hard to find good ones as well that will understand the cultural/background complexities.
Yes it’s different: Psychiatrist’s are doctors (MD) while Therapists/Psychologists have a Masters and/or PhD. One is not ‘better’ than the other, but it would be ideal to see a psychiatrist first as they can prescribe medications if needed.
I think you need to seek professional help. Many times it has to do with hormones which potentially can be regulated with treatment. It could also be psychological issues. Btw, low motility is not a big issue nowadays. Try IUI and if that doesnt help after 3 attempts, try IVF. There are vitamins specifically targeted at this as well.
This was useful for me to improve motility - Daily Wellness Company Fertility Blend Men 60 Veggie Caps https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009DB5JQM/
I did all kind of tests. Hormones are as good as it gets. No physical thing that can be fixed with surgeries. We tried iui like 5 times and it did not work. This was a source of depression for quite some time. I did not know what is wrong with me which is even more frustrating. I do not think about it that much now. My wife does not like the ivf idea. She says it is too artificial. We eventually decided to do it but we keep pushing it. Looks like we are both not ready
The most honest post I have read so far in blind. You should start meditating. Just for 5 mins daily and you will feel better yourself. Knowing your soul without judging it , is pretty amazing. Find a quiet place, put your phone in don’t disturb and play some soothing music(i like nature’s) and try to focus on one particular sound from that music for 5 mins.
Stop drinking
Maybe you mean start drinking more often? I rarely drink
Well, stripclubs without drinking is worrisome. Definitely don't start drinking. Get something to boost dopamine levels