I know Blind is not always the best place for advice, but I want to ask anyways as I’m curious to hear from others who are in successful or unsuccessful marriages. Wife and I have been married for 3 years. We weren’t the best choice for each other in hindsight, but past is past. Currently we do not quarrel/fight much have been indiffirent about relationship/marriage. We are both Asian, so there is also the element of “staying together for family sake” - I really like her family and get along well with them. It would pain me a lot to put them through a difficult situation like a divorce. From reading a lot of these cases, one thing that seems to be coming up is “grass is not greener on the other side. work on your marriage vs looking for a divorce” Pain points for her: - Feels we are too similar personalities. Wants a “wild” guy. I’m a calm dude and not that emotional or expressive. Not sure I can change this. - Doesn’t feel I pay much attention to her - No sex in relationship at this point. She blames me for it but does not initiate or try to meet me half way to make this area work better for both of us - Hates that I snore and wants me to “cure” it. This has caused us to sleep in separate bedrooms. - Thinks I’m a messy person - Says I fall short of her attractiveness expectations. Weirdly per her, her family is superior to me in this area. - Hates that I picked SF to live (mainly job commute reasons). Wants to live in south bay and blames me for lack of same-ethnicity socializing options. On the flip side, I enjoy company of friends of all ethnicities and this is part of what I like about living in the US - Opines that being in the US and away from family is making things worse and problems can be solved if we move back to home country Pain points for me: - No spark between us. I’m admittedly not that atrracted to her, so it takes work for me to drum up intimate moments. She does not initiate or make it easy to meet half way and solely blaming me has made me even less interested. - She does not work and has been at home for 3+ years, spending most of it on netflix/youtube. I envy friends spouses who have a career and are doing something with their lives beyond home. I spend most of the day at work and have most meals there. There is not much at home she does for me besides laundry and random household chores. It is hard to be single income in US and also embarassing from a social standing standpoint - I stopped showing up for get togethers etc and lost touch with many friends/acquaintances after getting tired of answering same question for years - she says minor/trivial dumb things a lot and this infuriates me (my bad i guess, but can’t seem to help it) in a “can’t she think for 2 secs before asking/saying this” type of thing. She thinks I’m arrogant because I snap at her from time to time due to this. - I think we are both not “messy” but she is at equal level with me (basically a hipocrite, which is the actual problem for me... not the messy part) - Travel is one of my passions and I loathe traveling with my wife as we seem to ruin trips due to out differences. I miss traveling with friends, which I did a lot when I was younger - Despite differences, I feel other couples have a basic “zone” of trust and privacy for themselves that no 3rd person ventures into. I don’t feel this with her. - I like my career in the US and this is basically what keeps me going at this point. I enjoy diversity and privacy of US vs home country. I had a difficult childhood and started enjoying live mostly after moving here and earning by myself, traveling etc. Moving back is not an easy proposition for me. I’m guessing this relationship is not normal, but curious to hear if anyone else out there identifies with such a situation or can throw general advice/motivation. PS: exploring couples therapy options (wife doesn’t seem interested/skeptical about this option though)
Your wife sounds like trash. Dump her ass before you make more 💰 cause she's taking half of that
Listen to this. Seriously. I’m in a 20+ year old marriage which I kept alive going through the same mindset as yours. And for the most part, our situation is very similar too. If I have a time machine, I would go back and divorce at once and move on. We thought a child would fix the problem and unfortunately the child became the impediment to pull the thing. After busting my ass for all these years, I’m a millionaire today but sadly I will lose half or more than that (due to alimony) if I divorce today. So, if she is thinking she is better than you, she is not going to change the opinion. Move on brother. What you think you may lose is a fucking tiny fraction of what you will lose over your lifetime.
Waiting to hear your divorce story one day on blind
Get out of this misery before she cheats on you (which is writing on the wall by what you are explaining). It’s not about greener grass, there is a basic need of being atleast a little satisfied from a marriage, in your case it is not the case. I have been through a similar problem and wasted 3 years too. Then we divorced and I am much more happy now. The girl i am dating now is much better person and also makes me a better person by inspiring me always.
Get out asap. Life is too short to be unhappy like this. The sooner you get out the less complicated it will be, less alimony etc
Grass is not greener on other side but you got to stop mowing lawn where it don’t grow. Or get your act together and see if you can grow. Too hard to do it? Then leave for the sake of you and her! Thank me later...
If she's stay at home and doesn't clean the house without complaining then what the fuck is she good for? Single income is nothing to be ashamed of but it only works if both spouses know their (read: traditional) roles. It seems like you two don't have a physical or emotional connection, and she doesn't even (according to you) want to work on it. Dump her and don't look back, the short term pain will be an easy price for the longer term gains. Fix the damn snoring too.
Let’s break this down into three areas, the heart, the mind, and God. First the heart. The heart is a HUGE liar. You know that whole follow your heart thing? It’s a load of crap. You’re Asian, you should know this and your wife should know this. So reiterate this with her. This the whole “ oh I just got to find the right thing to be made whole” crap. Frankly, that’s never going to happen, the sooner you give up on that the happier you will be The mind. This one is tougher. The mind is where logic resides and We think we’ve got that down. We think we know everything but we know so little about life. We know little about anything. We think we know what we want but really you don’t, it’s just society telling you what to think. It’s not actually you. Need a better income, need to live somewhere, need certain friends. All those things will come if you keep your mind open to the possibilities. My wife is Chinese, I know the pain of finding people to socialize. But guess what, once we moved and actually met people, we have great friends of all ethnicities. Really, ethnic is just a small piece, socioeconomic status is way more important. Can you imagine how hard it would be to find someone who is both white and Chinese couple? Impossible and when it does happen, it’s weird. Lastly God. You need someone better than you in your life, find a church, any church, could be a gay church, doesn’t matter, but get God in your lives. Someone that loves you for who you are unconditionally and will bless your marriage. When we got God in our lives, that’s when we truly felt free, that we have someone even better in this relationship with us. He will fight for you if you ask him To. Get involved in a young couples group going through the same crap. Sing some songs in fellowship. God bless you. You can do it! Marriage is worth fighting and you can use all the weapons you can get!
Dude wants to save his marriage, it’s the finest option. Better than just being a beta and letting her drive away the marriage and fantasize about other men. Take control and be the leader of the home
That’s a valid point, but if he can get her to go to and do the sex for 30 days test, then maybe he get her back to pound town
“I stopped showing up for get togethers etc and lost touch with many friends/acquaintances” Maybe make some changes here? If you enjoy diversity, consider enjoy diversity of social economic status as well. You don’t have to be the richest among all to keep in touch with your friends
Not about the cash though - I’m financially comfortable. I got tired of answering “what’s up with your wife/what is she working on” question for years and years. Even my ancient grandpa asks about this worriedly (maybe he gets that this matters to me beyond money)
Did you discuss with her what she wants to do? Does she want to just stay at home or work at some point? Any field/hobbies that she wants to pursue? I have some friends who don’t work but they do other things like teach yoga, volunteer. Any specific interests that she has?
Is this arranged? Can't expect every arranged marriage to be a perfect match. It just doesn't work that way
We are not looking for a perfect match though. Most people in the world are pretty likely married to less than perfect matches and get adjusted. I’m trying to see if this is possible in some way or if the gap is too wide to bridge. Part of it is difficult because it’s hard to tell looking at other couples - everyone is happy at the surface but hard to tell if they are a normal family or are like me trying to live through adjusting in some way.
Truth is from what I can say everyone adjusts to some degree in any relationship. How much is the question and how tolerable is it and how much are you both willing to change/adjust for the other.
Get divorced. Grow more by yourselves. If you miss each other you can date again. But more likely is you will find other people who you are more compatible with.
Is there anything actually keeping you in this besides not wanting to rock the boat and her family?
Seriously, it’s clear they just do not like each other.