Divorce vs working on marriage

Thumbtack / Eng bgse43
Aug 11 121 Comments

I know Blind is not always the best place for advice, but I want to ask anyways as I’m curious to hear from others who are in successful or unsuccessful marriages.

Wife and I have been married for 3 years. We weren’t the best choice for each other in hindsight, but past is past. Currently we do not quarrel/fight much have been indiffirent about relationship/marriage. We are both Asian, so there is also the element of “staying together for family sake” - I really like her family and get along well with them. It would pain me a lot to put them through a difficult situation like a divorce.

From reading a lot of these cases, one thing that seems to be coming up is “grass is not greener on the other side. work on your marriage vs looking for a divorce”

Pain points for her:
- Feels we are too similar personalities. Wants a “wild” guy. I’m a calm dude and not that emotional or expressive. Not sure I can change this.
- Doesn’t feel I pay much attention to her
- No sex in relationship at this point. She blames me for it but does not initiate or try to meet me half way to make this area work better for both of us
- Hates that I snore and wants me to “cure” it. This has caused us to sleep in separate bedrooms.
- Thinks I’m a messy person
- Says I fall short of her attractiveness expectations. Weirdly per her, her family is superior to me in this area.
- Hates that I picked SF to live (mainly job commute reasons). Wants to live in south bay and blames me for lack of same-ethnicity socializing options. On the flip side, I enjoy company of friends of all ethnicities and this is part of what I like about living in the US
- Opines that being in the US and away from family is making things worse and problems can be solved if we move back to home country

Pain points for me:
- No spark between us. I’m admittedly not that atrracted to her, so it takes work for me to drum up intimate moments. She does not initiate or make it easy to meet half way and solely blaming me has made me even less interested.
- She does not work and has been at home for 3+ years, spending most of it on netflix/youtube. I envy friends spouses who have a career and are doing something with their lives beyond home. I spend most of the day at work and have most meals there. There is not much at home she does for me besides laundry and random household chores. It is hard to be single income in US and also embarassing from a social standing standpoint - I stopped showing up for get togethers etc and lost touch with many friends/acquaintances after getting tired of answering same question for years
- she says minor/trivial dumb things a lot and this infuriates me (my bad i guess, but can’t seem to help it) in a “can’t she think for 2 secs before asking/saying this” type of thing. She thinks I’m arrogant because I snap at her from time to time due to this.
- I think we are both not “messy” but she is at equal level with me (basically a hipocrite, which is the actual problem for me... not the messy part)
- Travel is one of my passions and I loathe traveling with my wife as we seem to ruin trips due to out differences. I miss traveling with friends, which I did a lot when I was younger
- Despite differences, I feel other couples have a basic “zone” of trust and privacy for themselves that no 3rd person ventures into. I don’t feel this with her.
- I like my career in the US and this is basically what keeps me going at this point. I enjoy diversity and privacy of US vs home country. I had a difficult childhood and started enjoying live mostly after moving here and earning by myself, traveling etc. Moving back is not an easy proposition for me.

I’m guessing this relationship is not normal, but curious to hear if anyone else out there identifies with such a situation or can throw general advice/motivation.

PS: exploring couples therapy options (wife doesn’t seem interested/skeptical about this option though)

comments

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TOP 121 Comments
  • Microsoft salut
    Your wife sounds like trash. Dump her ass before you make more 💰 cause she's taking half of that
    Aug 11 3
    • Genentech DyCY55
      Listen to this. Seriously. I’m in a 20+ year old marriage which I kept alive going through the same mindset as yours. And for the most part, our situation is very similar too. If I have a time machine, I would go back and divorce at once and move on. We thought a child would fix the problem and unfortunately the child became the impediment to pull the thing. After busting my ass for all these years, I’m a millionaire today but sadly I will lose half or more than that (due to alimony) if I divorce today. So, if she is thinking she is better than you, she is not going to change the opinion. Move on brother. What you think you may lose is a fucking tiny fraction of what you will lose over your lifetime.
      Aug 11
    • Facebook qwertyuip
      Waiting to hear your divorce story one day on blind
      Aug 11
    • Google amerika
      Check out http://www.realworlddivorce.com/. 50% is highly optimistic. You're probably going to to lose much more with child support
      Aug 11
  • Apple hhbbyecn
    This dude is not asian. He is indian.
    Aug 11 18
    • TripAdvisor owlwise
      If India is not Asian then what are they? European? African?
      Aug 12
    • Google tc=10e-1
      as South East Asian, India never pops into my mind when we talk about Asia tbh. Just a cultural thing, when we talk about Indian, we say Indian (versus Asian).

      There is nothing to argue, it's just how most of these countries refer to them culturally.

      Uber you are right geographically but I'm surprised you can't see the point the other Google dude is explaining.

      I'll be surprised if uber's business ever thrive in Asia with that cultural awareness 😏
      Aug 12
    • Citibank OMxT40
      Inhabitants of any particular geographical area cannot just be identified by those people that belong to the majority culture. Saying Indians are not Asians are like saying Black Americans are not Americans or White South Africans are not Africans or Australian aborigines are not Australians. Or for that matter, saying that Chinese-Americans are not Americans, even though some of them came a hundred years ago.
      Aug 12
    • Google tc=10e-1
      You homo sapiens are hard to deal with lol
      Aug 12
    • Uber / Eng rqDs70
      I see the point, but it's not because a minority of the world not having English as first language thinks that Indian are not Asian that they're right. In your own languages, maybe what you call Asian doesn't include Indian, maybe, but when you use English you should assume the English definition and not your own translation that only a minority support.

      I agree that Indian and Chinese have very little in common, but once again, that wasn't the question, and I'm surprised that ppl at Google failed to see that... That my explain why Google is not thriving in Asia 😂
      Aug 12
  • Verisk Analytics pinkfloyd🎸
    I don’t understand how girls can simply sit at home watching Netflix for 3 years. Not saying they have to essentially work but do something. anything. Learning. Hobby. Studying. Whatever. An empty mind is a devil’s workshop.
    I guarantee that’s the reason she’s always frustrated.

    Can you enroll her in university or something? Honestly give her a career and she will respect you for the rest of your life. But yeah if compatibility is the root cause then that’s not going to change.

    Also, are you overweight? That’s one major cause for snoring
    Aug 11 11
    • Verisk Analytics pinkfloyd🎸
      😒.. fine girl/girls/guy/guys/human beings who don’t have babies or any concrete reason like taking care of parents etc should not ideally spend 3 years of their precious life simply watching Netflix. I stand my ground on that.

      Had OP’s wife been my friend I would have confronted her on this. But when OP is clearly saying he doesn’t even have 2 meals at home on weekdays And they don’t have kids I think she should do something with her life.

      God forbid if OP does decide to divorce her what’s she gonna do?

      But yeah this is completely my opinion and you are free to think otherwise
      Aug 12
    • Intel Ice-cream
      Pinkfloyd: you are saying right. Yahoo and Facebook is troll, don’t even care for them.
      Aug 12
    • Intel Ice-cream
      Op I would say -pinkfloyd is talking some sense, read that answer until you completely understand. he seems like a responsible and matured man. Most of the other comments seems like coming from 20 something unmarried immature “boys”, who don’t understand how things work.

      This is observation of a 54 year old man
      Aug 12
    • Verisk Analytics pinkfloyd🎸
      Thank you so much Sir Mr. Ice-cream :) that means a lot..
      Pinkfloyd is a 20 something unmarried woman 😃😇
      Aug 12
    • Yahoo xCWI25
      I’m not a troll. I have no idea how I got lumped in with Facebook on this one.
      Aug 12
  • SAP
    lDsd42

    SAP

    BIO
    out
    lDsd42more
    If she's stay at home and doesn't clean the house without complaining then what the fuck is she good for? Single income is nothing to be ashamed of but it only works if both spouses know their (read: traditional) roles.

    It seems like you two don't have a physical or emotional connection, and she doesn't even (according to you) want to work on it.

    Dump her and don't look back, the short term pain will be an easy price for the longer term gains.

    Fix the damn snoring too.
    Aug 11 6
    • SAP
      lDsd42

      SAP

      BIO
      out
      lDsd42more
      Get tested for sleep apnea and see if CPAP is right for you. If not, look into sleeping on your side or with your torso slightly elevated.
      Aug 11
    • Thumbtack / Eng bgse43
      OP
      I did consult a sleep therapist. I will be doing a sleep study but the takeaway was that there is no permanent solution unless I get surgery that’s not guaranteed or have a machine on my face if I do indeed have sleep apnea (which is not always the case for people with snoring)
      Aug 11
    • Amazon / Eng
      popozao

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      I’m from Fresno
      popozaomore
      CPAP fixed my snoring, and I felt more energetic every day.

      Not using it, I feel lethargic and shitty. I wish I had done this earlier in life.
      Aug 11
    • Thumbtack / Eng bgse43
      OP
      Thanks, I will pursue this angle more.
      Aug 11
    • Apple caketorta
      Loosing some weight may help as well with the snoring. I think that’s one of the biggest cause for snoring.
      Sep 28
  • AT&T / Product GOFb61
    Let’s break this down into three areas, the heart, the mind, and God.

    First the heart. The heart is a HUGE liar. You know that whole follow your heart thing? It’s a load of crap. You’re Asian, you should know this and your wife should know this. So reiterate this with her. This the whole “ oh I just got to find the right thing to be made whole” crap. Frankly, that’s never going to happen, the sooner you give up on that the happier you will be

    The mind. This one is tougher. The mind is where logic resides and We think we’ve got that down. We think we know everything but we know so little about life. We know little about anything. We think we know what we want but really you don’t, it’s just society telling you what to think. It’s not actually you. Need a better income, need to live somewhere, need certain friends. All those things will come if you keep your mind open to the possibilities. My wife is Chinese, I know the pain of finding people to socialize. But guess what, once we moved and actually met people, we have great friends of all ethnicities. Really, ethnic is just a small piece, socioeconomic status is way more important. Can you imagine how hard it would be to find someone who is both white and Chinese couple? Impossible and when it does happen, it’s weird.

    Lastly God. You need someone better than you in your life, find a church, any church, could be a gay church, doesn’t matter, but get God in your lives. Someone that loves you for who you are unconditionally and will bless your marriage. When we got God in our lives, that’s when we truly felt free, that we have someone even better in this relationship with us. He will fight for you if you ask him To. Get involved in a young couples group going through the same crap. Sing some songs in fellowship.

    God bless you. You can do it! Marriage is worth fighting and you can use all the weapons you can get!
    Aug 11 3
    • AT&T / Product GOFb61
      Dude wants to save his marriage, it’s the finest option. Better than just being a beta and letting her drive away the marriage and fantasize about other men. Take control and be the leader of the home
      Aug 11
    • AT&T / Product GOFb61
      That’s a valid point, but if he can get her to go to and do the sex for 30 days test, then maybe he get her back to pound town
      Aug 11
    • Target / Cust. Srv. tmDe33
      Don't you have a job to do, Mike Pence?
      Aug 11
  • Square ygkotsf
    Is there anything actually keeping you in this besides not wanting to rock the boat and her family?
    Aug 11 1
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      Seriously, it’s clear they just do not like each other.
      Aug 11
  • Get out of this misery before she cheats on you (which is writing on the wall by what you are explaining). It’s not about greener grass, there is a basic need of being atleast a little satisfied from a marriage, in your case it is not the case. I have been through a similar problem and wasted 3 years too. Then we divorced and I am much more happy now. The girl i am dating now is much better person and also makes me a better person by inspiring me always.
    Aug 11 0
  • Google ysNB35
    No sex? Run. Leave. Go. Right away.
    And once you let her know it's over don't, under any circumstances, get her pregnant.
    You are clearly not compatible, so why waste time? There are good marriages, if you already know 3 years in and before kids that you are not in one, try again. Not every relationship can be fixed. Why settle for being miserable?
    Aug 11 0
  • I commend you for reaching out. I just got a divorce after a year of marriage. I am much happier and from reading your circumstances you will be too if you decide to divorce. I like the story where he mentions a time machine haha. So true... If I had a time time machine i would definitely not have married her. I wasted 3 or 4 years dating and another year of marriage. I'm glad i didn't waste any more years of my life. Be strong, do yourself and her a favor and move on. Maybe not initially but you and her will be much happier years from now.
    Aug 11 17
    • Are u in a relationship that is close to marriage? U worried?
      Aug 11
    • Facebook qwertyuip
      I'm not close to marriage but I always keep questioning if marriage fits my life goals.
      Aug 11
    • Those are good questions to ask yourself to ponder and explore....
      Aug 11
    • Neurocrine Atin|ay2
      How did she want to change you, can you give examples?
      Aug 12
    • Neurocrine Atin|ay2
      The link is shit and clearly written by a guy who doesn't understand how a relationship works.
      Aug 12
  • Living Spaces / Sales bAdQ27
    Advise from someone who was once there. You got married because you were in love. As we get older feelings and emotions can change. You both get mature and ideas change.

    Before you give up get counseling from a marriage counselor. If you are both serious in taking responsibility and not sit there and blame the other you will learn what each of you need to make the relationship work. I am now much older and my wife and I are now married for over 26 years. We went through some rough times. But one day my wife got very ill where I thought she was going to die. Fortunately the Emergency Doctor was a complete Moran and did not diagnose her condition correctly. I took her out of the hospital and had her transferred to a better facility. I realized then that I loved her and was by her side for the 3 weeks she was there. Since then things have been so much better, not always perfect but perfect enough that I am sure we will be together for a long time. We also in the early years went to a marriage counselor and worked very hard. So the bottom line. Never give up. Life is worth working hard to make it better. Good luck. I am sure you both will do what is best whether you resolve your issues or not. At least try or you recent each other for the rest of your lives.
    Aug 12 2
    • Google tc=10e-1
      this is arranged marriage. "Got married because in love" does not apply.
      Aug 12
    • Living Spaces / Sales bAdQ27
      In that case. Get out while you are young and welcome to the 21st Century.
      Aug 12
  • LinkedIn ugjM43
    Move on
    Aug 11 0
  • Amazon al*is*well
    There are just too many things to fix
    Aug 11 0
  • Microsoft 🚀BTC🚀
    Get out asap. Life is too short to be unhappy like this. The sooner you get out the less complicated it will be, less alimony etc
    Aug 11 0
  • Walmart / Eng QTFP86
    Grass is not greener on other side but you got to stop mowing lawn where it don’t grow. Or get your act together and see if you can grow.
    Too hard to do it? Then leave for the sake of you and her! Thank me later...
    Aug 11 0
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Google / Eng zugzugg
    You don't have kids? Leave now while you can. Seriously. It'll get 10x worse of you ever have kids and then you're stuck with her forever. She sounds like a loser. Sorry.
    Aug 11 0
  • Box Aceulus
    yoe and tc plz
    Aug 11 0
  • RealSelf vKcQ25
    "In my experience, grief has two phases. First, your ex carries the majority of the blame. Second, it's your fault all of it. Obsessing with what you could have done, beating yourself up over minutia and trying to convince yourself you just suck. The grief stage is essentially bi-polar. Her fault, My fault, Her jobs fault, my jobs fault etc. It's mental ping-pong, and it's a waste of time and sleep. Every marriage has two participants, and every divorce has two people that contributed to the unraveling of the partnership."

    "When faced with divorce, people naturally wonder how their lives took this unexpected turn. Here are some inconvenient truths. The #1 Cause of Divorce is…Selfishness. Nobody wins (except for divorce attorneys). It can almost always be prevented. There is hope even when everything feels hopeless."
    Aug 13 1
    • Living Spaces
      BornToWork

      Living Spaces

      PRE
      Honda, PCM
      BornToWorkmore
      Wow! Words of wisdom and encouragement.
      Aug 13
  • New / Mgmt zax
    You have absolutely nothing to lose in divorcing her when compared to realizing you need to divorce her and you already have kids together. Such a no brainer. Get out quick, life is too short! Whatever you think you will lose right now is nothing compared to what you will lose if kids are involved. Get out quick!
    Aug 11 0
  • Amazon / Eng
    popozao

    Amazon Eng

    PRE
    Microsoft
    BIO
    I’m from Fresno
    popozaomore
    Get divorced. Grow more by yourselves. If you miss each other you can date again.

    But more likely is you will find other people who you are more compatible with.
    Aug 11 0

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