TL;DR: Got dumped, effin’ sucks. Time to uninstall dating apps and embrace LeetCode. At least if your solutions are rejected, you can still lookup the answer online and make it. But if a woman rejects you, you might never know why!
I have been in a lot of short term relationships for years. Because of things that have happened in the past, those short term relationships never got converted to long term relationships because I used to run away at the first sight of red flags. Joined dating apps recently to probably increase the pool. Treated Tinder as LeetCode (for practice) and Bumble/CMB as on-site interviews. Met this amazing woman on Bumble. Hit it off instantly. Went on a few dates. Attractive girl, great personality and good sex ensued.
Then I had to go on this much deserved long vacation (5 weeks). So that this didn’t fizzle out (because we weren’t exclusive), I kept her engaged as much as possible. And it was still going great! Planned things after I returned back too. Just after the turn of the New Year, I had to go to some remote places with very little internet. Even then I did my best to communicate whenever I did get the opportunity but I saw her replies waning a bit in terms of content. It’s like she was subliminally implementing an exponential backoff as her replies kept coming later and later. I thought maybe since people started work after the new year, it would be hectic. So I wasn’t alarmed.
Got a text this morning that we shouldn’t be dating anymore. The reason provided was, “our personalities don’t match”. I still think that she just found someone else but of course, that would never be revealed. No concrete reply when pressed further so that I get closure. It’s like having a great day of onsite interviews but then get a canned “sorry but we need to move on” after 2-3 weeks of suspense. Friggin sucks! I guess I would be wallowing for a while, still not knowing the reason why...
Just wanted to vent...
TC: 9x of her.
- You were freshly dating someone and then were unavailable for over a month. No brainer. NEXT. Who has time to wait around for someone they barely know? Next time don’t initiate if you know you won’t be available. And try learning how to interact in person not just on apps (for instance I hope you don’t talk as much as this post implies. My eyes were glazing over well before I got to the end. I’d be bored if this was the daring experience. 🤷🏼♀️).
- The vacation plans were told right at the start. She said it wouldn’t be a problem. She still maintains that the vacation had nothing to do with it. I still suspect it did and she just found a better match.
As far as talking goes, I don’t talk as much in person (not the same in groups though). So I provide a pretty jarring experience in person versus that online. Like two personas. And having ADHD, I get bored easily if the other person doesn’t talk at all or very less. It wasn’t the same in this case. I was very well engaged until things started to seem going south around the New Year.
- She said that but ultimately I’m sure that had a big role to play. Think of how much time that is to completely forget about someone and move on to someone else? If I meet someone and we’re not going out within the next few weeks I move on with my life. Most women do. Also New Year is when a lot of people cut off relationships that aren’t going anywhere. I cleaned house myself with guys that I was kinda talking to but the relationships weren’t progressed enough for me to want to bring them into a new year as I shifted focus on myself and my goals. Oh well.
Last: be who you are online and off. That’s why I’m not a fan of online dating. People curate these personas and when you get to know them in real life it’s a huge disappointment when it doesn’t match up.
I’m not surprised with how she ended things. There wasn’t anything “wrong” enough to have a “talk,” it was too new to try and fix any issues. There wasn’t enough established to stick around for or “fight for.” You probably didn’t make her feel wanted enough since you were so far and physically distant. She moved on. Again next time don’t initiate unless you have time to follow through in person every couple of weeks (like 2 max if you’re just getting to know someone).
- Disagree with you ujsX74, though I see your point. I think this is an overgeneralization and I‘ve met plenty of women who were able to handle a vacay in the beginning. Heck — I’ve done it and it just meant wild “I miss you” sex when he got back. Different strokes for different folks.
- Uh why are you making similes of your relationship with career stuff? “Bumble like onsite”, “tc 9x of hers”, “like getting rejected after a great onsite”, etc. lol
- Bro, you never get rejected. You are Top sarcastic Blind contributor, take a chill pill and breathe easy. Vent it out and get back to being top blind contributor.
- Maybe you guys didn’t have chemistry in bed.
I once slept with a guy and I couldn’t fathom sleeping with him again. He kept calling me and texting me to see me again but the sex was bad. I couldn’t bring myself to do it again. I would go through many months of dry period but I couldn’t go back with this guy.
No amount of TC can makeup for bad sex. So forget the 9x
- Well if it makes you feel better, I’m trying to get over someone myself. I met someone a few months ago and he lives in Europe. He travels once per quarter to the US to meet w his teammates.
The only thing is we get along great, laugh at the same joke and we both have similar geeky sense of humor. We spent days together at a time and didn’t have a single dull moment. However neither of us want to sign up for a long distance relationship. So it is not going work.
Even though this is not a rejection, it still feels just as crappy and no less than a rejection. Part of the dating process, again.
- Well we spent maybe 10 days. Talk everyday. Only met this guy a few months ago so its a really good start. I had so much fun w him. More than most guys I’m dating here. It’s long distance also so it’s hard to find time.
Yes I’m dating a few people here. 😆 (but not sleeping w any of them...yet - maybe only if I get over this )
- @smiley: It’s ironic how the long distance relationships I’ve had in the past (spanning across cities or continents) had sustained much better even when I was able to spend time only for a few days as compared to this one where the people were in the same area but one of them was away only for a few days.
- In the end, love is not enough. Relationships are like strings moving in the same direction. It’s very easy to veer off in different directions considering how flimsy 2 strings are.
If 2 people want to stay together, they have to have willpower to stay together. Resolve any issues that come in their way so they can move in the same direction.
- Lyft aWBv38You over pursued her and she lost interest. You lost the moment you started caring and putting her on a pedestal
- Depends on how you look at how much you want to pursue and if it works on the girl. Definitely does not work on me. Some guy has been texting me over 2 years and he hasn’t received a single text back from me. Another guy for the last 4 months and he’s still texting.
I don’t get why guys think they can pursue a non-interest. Oh and another thing some guys do, nag and complain to your face when you don’t sleep with them. Yeah, really attractive
- Smiley — we’re in the same boat! Just my armchair musings on this phenomenon (not sure if this applies to your guys, but still interesting IMO): I’ve seen a lot of narcissists act like they are “pursuing” when really they’re just acting out their desperate narcissist tendencies. They’ll do this with many women in hopes that one will bite and they’ll get that ego hit. Women can do this too ofc. I currently have two narcissistic “pursuers” (I say this in an observation way, not in a bragging way) — longest one is going on 4 years of “pursuit” with literally no response from me. Because of this, I think it’s important to distinguish between genuine pursuit (pursue to be/share with you in some way) and narcissistic pursuit (pursue for “winning”, control, and getting the ego hit they’re addicted to).
- Oh yeah. That’s a really great observation as I never thought of it that way. When you talked about adrenaline rush out of the narcissism I definitely can see that
Both of these guys also lie about the weirdest things. When I saw through that, I cut things off. I told them I don’t see us being a couple and we should stay friends. They lie in order to get an ego trip you’re talking about.
- That’s a great question. I’ve blocked them on almost all platforms, but decided to leave one channel open so that they didn’t escalate. Sometimes when people know that you’ve totally blocked them, they escalate to showing up at your apartment and stuff. I’ve had that happen only twice, but don’t want it to happen again. Leaving one channel open allows the person to satisfy their urges to false pursue, but without escalating.
- New / OtherTarotmoreUhm. OP left for weeks. Unless they were exclusive, women with all the qualities you like dont have to wait around for a guy to get back into town. She obviously didnt want to put her self on hold for a stranger.
- Qualtrics / EngDr. 🙈🙉🙊moreI found the manager/employee relationship more analogous to this story. The manager thought everything was going well based on their 1:1s but it turns out the employee has been interviewing with other companies all this time. The manager learns about the employee's decision to leave last minute when the employee has already made up her mind. Just some food for thought.
- I wanted to add, in the last few months, I’ve stopped talking to all my matches across these dating apps because I was stupid enough to convince myself that I had found “The One”. I can’t bring myself to talking to other people when I am so actively invested in 1.
This. This is gonna bite me in the ass so bad. Quite a few of them have unmatched me due to inactivity (ghosted).
Lesson learned. Just like our profession, always keep looking!
- This will bite you man. You are strong — accept the loss, ack the pain, and move on. If you think you’ve found the one again, don’t destroy it by trying to keep your options open. I just posted about this, but I can’t stand seeing this here. It’s sad. This shit hurts, but if you let it break you, you’ll never find love. Unless you’re poly... then everything is game.
- Thank you for your response @Deedadoo. After years of just being an emotionless guy just getting what he wanted and moving on at will, I finally did feel something special. You know, when you eagerly wait for the other person to text you or meet you. The goosebumps, the butterflies in your stomach. All that...and then this. Best is for me to sit back, take a break, work on myself and start again...
- Pro tip: when you mostly didn’t feel anything and all of a sudden really want something to work... get help to advise you so you don’t make the same historical mistakes: female friends, married friends or colleagues, or if you’re a true loner with no relationship skills or people you can trust you can always outsource that to a therapist.
- 1. Get over it
2. You are too obsessive
3. You guys aren't that close yet
4. You need to diversify at this moment instead of over invest in her.
5. Learn to please women instead of blaming her for it.
5 took me quite a while to understand, but I am glad I realized it now. Better late than never.
- I didn’t blame her. She might have had her reasons. And it is fair to be honest. I just wanted closure as to what the reason was so that I can move on. I am not a guy who will keep begging to give it another try. Wished her the very best and hope she does find her perfect match.
- Normally, I’d be sympathetic but in this case the wounds were probably 90% self inflicted (source: see details of the history of many failed short term relationships). So I’ll cut to the chase and spare you the “five whys” analysis.
You lost her because of your choices and acting like an asshat. You claimed “I had to go on this much deserved long vacation”. That was a choice. If you want things to change, you need to make different, smarter ones.
For example, you could have asked her to join you during one week of your vacation. Or spend Christmas and New Years together. There are also phones and post cards that have nothing to do with the internet (when I was in your shoes that’s what we did - bought a calling card and sent postcards 1-2 times a day). I’m betting you tried to keep in touch by texting or an app (see your excuse of no internet access).
You were “keeping her warm” like a recruiter does with a second rate candidate (just in case the first one doesn’t work out). No one wants to be that. She read the writing on the wall and backed off slowly and made a final break. It didn’t come out of nowhere. You unintentionally sent her the signals that you were just sort of into her. And she responded in kind.
Two things come to mind:
1. Every week the NFL shows the boneheaded plays of the week on a show “C’mon Man!” and poke fun at them. You’d be on the dating highlight reel version of that show.
2. the scene from Indiana Jones...
- ...except that your assumptions are wrong (and might be cleared if you read my other replies). The long vacation was planned almost a year ago. The vacation plans were discussed right at the start. I didn’t spring a surprise on her saying, “Alright, cya after 5 weeks!”.
Cannot have asked her to join me as I am currently halfway across the globe (literally). As far as communication is concerned, I tried my best to be in touch with her as soon as I got any kind of network. You are assuming that the place I am in is well connected and people do take technology for granted. But think of a T-Mobile connection in the middle of a desert and you’ll know that you are basically airgapped. I didn’t choose this location, the wedding of a cousin just happened to be here.
Keeping her warm? I think I was kept warm after the New Year. As the communication from her side decreased bit by bit, I saw renewed activity on the app we matched (description changes, picture changes, etc). And that was fine as we weren’t exclusive. But showing interest 48 hours back to that is surprising. I wouldn’t be so confused if I had seen the writing on the wall beforehand. But the writing wasn’t there. The wall never existed.
- A wedding doesn’t take 5 weeks though. You could have invited her (and you have great TC so you could’ve offered to pay) or adjusted your travel plans slightly to meet her somewhere. If you’re going to India or China or Japan, LA would be a great place for a couple day layover. If it’s in Europe, a side trip. My point was that you made choices along the way. And you got the consequences of them. The fact that you don’t even see that they were choices proves the point even more.
Did you send her a postcard? Call her in the evenings after whatever activities were done for the day (or before they started?) Did you bring her back something from whatever exotic place you went and said “I saw this and was thinking of you. I missed you while I was away.” Did you write her a letter (which even with air mail from across the world would’ve taken at most 2-3 weeks to arrive)?
My guess is no; you tried to do the minimal effort approach of text and/or email. You brag about your TC but you won’t put your time or money where your mouth is.
What you also don’t get is that when you aren’t exclusive it takes *more* work not less to sustain things because exit costs are so low. When my wife and I had dated for 2 weeks, weren’t exclusive, and l she went to Europe for 3 weeks and we called once a day to talk for 5 minutes and sent each other post cards. I still have them after being together for 17+ years now.
- You gotta read my other replies man! There were two weddings 25 days apart. The latter one is in a remote location.
Postcards? I did way more than that. Think of cards made in photoshop with things relevant to her. Things relevant to us. Poems. Call her after work (or during most cases, when she was free, during the holiday season)? Yes. Did I bring her back something? I made a list, got all the things but I am still here! Still a week away to fly back!
And no, it wasn’t the minimal approach. I actually went all in! The little things I did for her while I was away (upon landing, Christmas, new year)...she told that no one has ever done such things for her ever and that she would definitely wanna see what’s next.
So your guesses so far have been way off.
- And no, I am not blaming her. I am not blaming myself either. I am just confused as to what the hell went wrong, as I never got a concrete reason. I’ve heard the vague reason many times before, but it always came with a heads up. This one was...sudden. And unfortunately, this is the one that did count.
- So you put a lot of effort into courting her, went all in when you never had before, and she just crushed you out of the blue?
It’s good you consider dating someone with low TC. There are lots of great, smart women out there who don’t make as much as folks do in tech and they can be wicked smart, fun to be around, and great partners.
- Yes, my man. This post isn’t to say that she was wrong or she was bad. She was (and still is) wonderful. She had a great personality and was amazing be be with. That’s why the TC never mattered.
In fact, I even laid bare plans later in the year when the interview season maybe upon me and how I might need to concentrate a bit. On the first date. She was fine with that too.
Anyway, I guess it’s time to buckle up and prepare for that interview season way sooner than expected :)
- I can understand why Amazon is asking you to introspect and find out what you did wrong in the relationship. It’s because for us spectators outside the relationship, we’ll never have a complete picture. If you did introspect hard enough and couldn’t find any major reasons or a lot of minor reasons on your side that caused the breakup, move on.
- I don’t think OP was an ass. I think you were reasonable and the reason why things don’t work out doesn’t matter. It’ll drive you crazy trying to analyze.
For all I know, maybe she’s running away from you at first sign of trouble. Not a long term potential anyway. And you also don’t know much about her. You have your own vision of her but that might not be who she is.
- Salesforce splitpeaActually, don't beat yourself up over this. If she was really enamored by you, she wouldn't be able to go exclusive with someone else. We all know how we act when in love. It's possible that she didn't have those kind of feelings for you but just liked your company, so exit costs were lower emotionally.Jan 150