How to get the strength to leave?

Nov 13 30 Comments

Have been dating this woman for a couple years. We also moved in together.

But in reality, I don’t like her anymore, and I feel she doesn’t like me anymore either. We are very toxic with each other.

I don’t admire her and her habits. She goes to church many times a week, I don’t get why. She smokes a lot of weed, I don’t get why. Her job sucks, I don’t get why.

I understand it’s her choice, and I have not and should have not control over it, but I don’t want to be part of it. I am mad at myself it took so long for me to admit it, but in the beginning things are always very exciting and it’s not easy to objectively see the other person’s traits.

I am also scared of being by myself, I don’t have many friends and live in general a lonely life also due to demanding tech job, and having a partner at home is comforting when things go well.

How can I move on? We also live together, so I would probably have to move out.

I am 32 btw.

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TOP 30 Comments
  • Microsoft deermaiden
    She sounds wonderful I hope she finds someone way better than you soon
    Nov 13 2
    • OP
      You might certainly be right, but admittedly you don’t know anything about her. How can she sound so wonderful to you? Just because she smokes 5 joints a day and works in retail and her crazy creationist family puts pressure on her to go to church 3 times a week or they are going to not talk to her anymore, and she caves in? Is that your definition of wonderful?

      I get that on Blind the OP is always wrong by default, but try to understand me.
      Nov 13
    • New / Mgmt benefactor
      Deermaiden, that’s neither here or there. People grow apart, and them being wonderful or not is besides the point.
      No need to prolong beating of the proverbial dead horse
      Nov 13
  • Oracle Sockets
    She sounds like a loser.

    Can you do better is the lingering question.
    Nov 13 2
    • OP
      She is not a loser in all honesty. She is comfortable with her life and in many aspects much happier than me, who on the other hand chase financial independence hard...

      And she’s not a gold digger either, she never asks for anything and provides for herself.
      Nov 13
    • Oracle Sockets
      Smokes weed excessively, works retail with no higher ambition, lets parents force her to go to church, has an insecure sap for bf ...
      Geeze, where is the win in any of this.
      Nov 13
  • Symantec +veGuy
    You are 32...so what? You have a lot more time in your life and you should move on instead of being in a toxic relationship. I understand that it’s difficult to find a right partner but being with right person makes you feel good inside. Don’t lose hope, you may be surprised what life throws at you!
    Nov 15 1
    • General Motors tchh
      i totally agree with this comment
      Nov 15
  • New / Mgmt benefactor
    The strength to let go will come from two things:
    1. You deciding that you will do it
    2. Creating some new social relationships that will fill that void. Do you know how to meet other people? This is not a facetious question.
    Give yourself 3 months to do that.
    Moving out will be easier to do once you get your social safety net in place.
    Nov 13 0
  • Sunrun joan
    You can pull the bandaid off slow or fast. Do it fast! Obviously this isn’t working. You’re young, articulate, and seemingly emotionally intelligent. You just have to build your confidence in yourself that you deserve better.

    Time is a precious commodity that can’t be replaced. Stop wasting your time and her time. If she wants a family, her time is even more valuable.

    Good luck! There are plenty of beautiful, smart, and kind women in this world. You’ll find one that sparks your joy!
    Nov 13 0
  • New Actasif
    It’s so fucking hard to make new friends as an adult and as someone who has moved constantly for work and currently lives in NYC (which can be the loneliest city) I understand your concerns.

    I have two challenges for you: Pick one night a week and start doing things all by yourself. Go to the movie/comedy show/play/concert utterly alone, or just sit at a bar and take out a book or a journal, anything but stick your face in your phone. I bet you’ll end up with a greater understanding of yourself but you might meet some interesting people along the way.

    Second is to just find something mentally or physically challenging and thrust yourself into a new situation with new people. I know nothing about what you like in life, but it could be CrossFit, going fishing at a public pier, playing magic the gathering, joining a toastmasters group, or your local furries chapter, it does not matter. Just try something new and you’ll be amazed at the results of surrounding yourself with ppl with the same interests as you.

    If all else fails, dump her and get a puppy and you’ll be swimming in tail and meeting hilarious people from all walks of life at the nearest dog park in no time.
    Nov 13 0
  • Apple
    babyboi

    Apple

    PRE
    Apple
    babyboimore
    This is the downside to living together with an SO imo
    Nov 13 0
  • Bloomberg bayke
    Maybe try a conversation. It sounds like y'all should break up, but starting with some healthy communication will at least give you practice for doing better in your next relationship.
    Nov 13 0
  • New yguf45
    Honestly it will probably suck for a couple of weeks but it will get better, could it be you are lonely because you feel trapped with one person? Go explore your city and just have fun with it
    Nov 13 0
  • Amazon piperchat
    Have u tried helping her ? May be she is in pain
    Nov 13 2
    • Sunrun joan
      True, she might have depression. Like severe clinical depression that may need professional help.
      Nov 13
    • OP
      Tried to. She doesn’t want to quit smoking and gets very defensive when I complain. Basically she gives me silence treatment for a week.

      Same thing about church. She prefers to waste countless hours on weekends on that crap just to make her parents happy. And I suffer because we never get to do anything on the weekend as a result, there are always church obligations.

      I also feel she has the right to smoke, it’s her damn life. I am the one who is in the wrong for staying in the relationship even if I hate her habits.
      Nov 14
  • General Motors tchh
    No matter how hard it is, just move on. There is no point of being in a relationship and being unhappy about it. You both are not happy and as you mentioned you both are toxic for each other. Just move on. Its not going to be easy and lonely at the beginning but things will get worst if you stay with the sane person. You will always be unhappy.
    Nov 14 0
  • New / Consultant
    JacofAll

    New Consultant

    BIO
    Consultant living at the intersection of tech and public service.
    JacofAllmore
    Date yourself for a while and focus on making friends. Make your own life a great place to be.
    She may be perfect .. for someone else. If she isn't for you, there's nothing wrong with that but you aren't doing her any favors leading her on if you don't love her any more. Sometimes the most loving thing I can do is leave someone alone.
    I struggled with this last year and finally left and now I am happier than I've ever been. I know myself and I'm giving myself the things I deserve: love, fun, friends.
    Nov 14 0
  • New / Eng React Deve
    Smoking weed in itself might be enough of a divide. Sounds like there are quite a few things where you two are at odds. Maybe spend a week talking to women you find attractive when you are out and about. See if you feel like getting back in the game. I think it will give you the energy to move on to a new chapter
    Nov 13 0
  • Facebook public2
    Break up. Why is this even a question?
    Nov 13 0
  • New XoAY48
    Tell her what you feel. Listen what she says. If you both are on same page, it’s easy. Move on. Start you search for stay and new partner.

    If you are not on same page and she genuinely loves you, it’s up to you to accept her troubles or move on. Maybe you can explain what bothers you and let her show love by taking actions to make things better.

    She sounds like having troubles and need help. I would leave her if she is selfish and don’t genuinely love me. In general I am too soft, I kind of like to sacrifice for honest people. Hard path but I take it by choice. If it’s not by choice it will be too toxic and better avoid.
    Nov 13 0
  • Apple vLwd48
    Why not talk to her about changing?
    Nov 14 1
    • OP
      Tried to. She doesn’t want to quit smoking and gets very defensive when I complain. Basically she gives me silence treatment for a week.

      Same thing about church. She prefers to waste countless hours on weekends on that crap just to make her parents happy. And I suffer because we never get to do anything on the weekend as a result, there are always church obligations.

      I also feel she has the right to smoke, it’s her damn life. I am the one who is in the wrong for staying in the relationship even if I hate her habits.
      Nov 14
  • Amazon bdie
    Do you guys atleast have good sex?
    Nov 13 1
    • OP
      We did a lot in the beginning, now we are too toxic and there is no desire from both sides. I’d rather masturbate.
      Nov 13
  • Apple MCBFKR6
    Doing it at 32 is WAY better than 43 which is when I left a similar relationship after 10 years. What did it for me is asking yourself and her the same question: why should we stay together? (Note: not asking what you like about each other cuz I’m sure there are still thing you do like about each other) List out the first 3-5 things that come to your mind. Take a hard look at the list and the answer should be very clear.
    Nov 20 0
  • T-Mobile / Other DentArthur
    I think you need to move on...for both your sakes!
    Nov 13 0
  • New / Mgmt benefactor
    Book or journal at the bar? In which country?
    Nov 13 0

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