How to get the strength to leave?
Have been dating this woman for a couple years. We also moved in together. But in reality, I don’t like her anymore, and I feel she doesn’t like me anymore either. We are very toxic with each other. I don’t admire her and her habits. She goes to church many times a week, I don’t get why. She smokes a lot of weed, I don’t get why. Her job sucks, I don’t get why. I understand it’s her choice, and I have not and should have not control over it, but I don’t want to be part of it. I am mad at myself it took so long for me to admit it, but in the beginning things are always very exciting and it’s not easy to objectively see the other person’s traits. I am also scared of being by myself, I don’t have many friends and live in general a lonely life also due to demanding tech job, and having a partner at home is comforting when things go well. How can I move on? We also live together, so I would probably have to move out. I am 32 btw.
The strength to let go will come from two things: 1. You deciding that you will do it 2. Creating some new social relationships that will fill that void. Do you know how to meet other people? This is not a facetious question. Give yourself 3 months to do that. Moving out will be easier to do once you get your social safety net in place.
She sounds like a loser. Can you do better is the lingering question.
She is not a loser in all honesty. She is comfortable with her life and in many aspects much happier than me, who on the other hand chase financial independence hard... And she’s not a gold digger either, she never asks for anything and provides for herself.
Smokes weed excessively, works retail with no higher ambition, lets parents force her to go to church, has an insecure sap for bf ... Geeze, where is the win in any of this.
Honestly it will probably suck for a couple of weeks but it will get better, could it be you are lonely because you feel trapped with one person? Go explore your city and just have fun with it
Tell her what you feel. Listen what she says. If you both are on same page, it’s easy. Move on. Start you search for stay and new partner. If you are not on same page and she genuinely loves you, it’s up to you to accept her troubles or move on. Maybe you can explain what bothers you and let her show love by taking actions to make things better. She sounds like having troubles and need help. I would leave her if she is selfish and don’t genuinely love me. In general I am too soft, I kind of like to sacrifice for honest people. Hard path but I take it by choice. If it’s not by choice it will be too toxic and better avoid.
Maybe try a conversation. It sounds like y'all should break up, but starting with some healthy communication will at least give you practice for doing better in your next relationship.
This is the downside to living together with an SO imo
Just break up and say you want to move out. This is all uncomfortable now but you’ll be so much happier later. Get a therapist to talk through the process.
It’s so fucking hard to make new friends as an adult and as someone who has moved constantly for work and currently lives in NYC (which can be the loneliest city) I understand your concerns. I have two challenges for you: Pick one night a week and start doing things all by yourself. Go to the movie/comedy show/play/concert utterly alone, or just sit at a bar and take out a book or a journal, anything but stick your face in your phone. I bet you’ll end up with a greater understanding of yourself but you might meet some interesting people along the way. Second is to just find something mentally or physically challenging and thrust yourself into a new situation with new people. I know nothing about what you like in life, but it could be CrossFit, going fishing at a public pier, playing magic the gathering, joining a toastmasters group, or your local furries chapter, it does not matter. Just try something new and you’ll be amazed at the results of surrounding yourself with ppl with the same interests as you. If all else fails, dump her and get a puppy and you’ll be swimming in tail and meeting hilarious people from all walks of life at the nearest dog park in no time.
Book or journal at the bar? In which country?
She sounds wonderful I hope she finds someone way better than you soon
You might certainly be right, but admittedly you don’t know anything about her. How can she sound so wonderful to you? Just because she smokes 5 joints a day and works in retail and her crazy creationist family puts pressure on her to go to church 3 times a week or they are going to not talk to her anymore, and she caves in? Is that your definition of wonderful? I get that on Blind the OP is always wrong by default, but try to understand me.
Deermaiden, that’s neither here or there. People grow apart, and them being wonderful or not is besides the point. No need to prolong beating of the proverbial dead horse