How to handle wife who hates my mom

Oracle aflatoon
Mar 8 92 Comments

My wife hates my mom - she uses abusive language and even makes statements that I sleep with my mom when she is angry. I always feel like bursting into anger but control myself - but it kills me from inside. How to cope with this? It’s taking a toll on me. No trolls please.

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TOP 92 Comments
  • BlackRock righteousr
    She needs therapy
    Mar 86
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Won’t agree to it. Tried in the past. She said I need one.
      Mar 8
    • Uber C H O N K
      Then maybe you need the therapy? Seriously though, would couples therapy be an option?
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She won’t go anywhere where she “maybe proven wrong “
      Mar 8
    • Oath / Engxxxcd
      Maybe you go together?
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      @xxxcd I wish
      Mar 8
    • Oath / Engxxxcd
      If you suggested it and she doesn’t go through with it, then you did your best and she is not making effort.

      The next step is to serve divorce paper.
      Mar 8
  • Oracle pzd
    I feel for you. This is very complicated issue. Those suggesting therapy or separation are simplifying it too much. The only suggestion I can give you is this - never ever try to get in the middle of an issue between your mother and your wife. Do not try to "fix" their relationship. (You can't.) Keep your mouth shut when your wife brings up the topic. Tell her firmly that you do not want to have a conversation on the matter and would like to change the topic.

    Above is the only thing that has worked for me. Everything else just leads to mayham.
    Mar 88
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      zMy mom doesn’t open her mouth lol or will get roasted. I cook my own food, wash dishes everyday, drop kids to school, wash clothes and iron my kids clothes everyday keep the trash out, make and feed my kids dinner and take my kids to soccer basketball tutoring and bunch of classes every weekend. No questions asked. The mortgage comes of my account as well. Not sure how else can I contribute.
      Mar 8
    • LinkedIn 黃帝
      Sucks to be you man. Sorry to hear that
      Mar 8
    • Cisco Csg
      Fuck her and get her 2-3 more kids. After that don’t take care of her/them. She will feel the real pain.
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She doesn’t allow that. Nothing since past 2 yrs
      Mar 8
    • Amazon / Eng._________
      Sounds like a hell hole. Get out ASAP.
      Mar 8
    • Amazon McKnziBzos
      OP, so what does your wife do that’s contributing to the marriage? Does she care about your kids much?

      At the end of the day, you need to think about your happiness (in the mean time hers, and your kids & mom’s happiness.) Your wife doesn’t sound like a happy person... You want to stay married for the kids, but when kids grow older, are you sure they’d like/ be happy to have both parents but unhappy ones/ environment? Also, role modeling, not sure how your kids will be influenced by your wife... and she can say some really rude things.
      How old are your kids?

      If you guys get a divorce, would she want custody?
      I know you would prefer not to. I don’t have kids, but I suffered from a very traumatic marriage/ partner who has mental issues, substance uses and was abusive in addition to never being honest, never stopped seeing/ hooking up with other people and wasn’t able to communicate. Shut down silent when trying to communicate with them. Even hurt themselves.
      I tried for nearly 2 years because I wasn’t able to detach myself/ my feelings from the relationship. So painful.

      At the end I knew I tried everything, and the situation really got really really bad. So I moved out and filed for a divorce in the following months (still waiting to be finalized.) And that SOB wants to give me debt and take my money.

      But, in all, I’m so much happier and I realized how great life can be and how happy I deserve to be. They don’t deserve a cent, but just to be divorced from that mess, all worth it.
      Mar 8
    • Cisco Csg
      Very true. Whatever will be your loss, in the Divorce case, is easily recoverable in a Software industry.
      You can focus more in your work when you have peace at home. You are already in good company and by focusing well you can easily become a director/VP in few years and total gain would be 5-10 times more then overall losses.

      She does not deserve you and take care of your mom 👍.
      Mar 9
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      @McknziBros sad to hear your story and glad you are happy now!
      Mar 9
  • New / MgmtVSwf01
    You end up how you start, your wife is doing this because she can get away with it and because you allowed her to. It's probably too late for you to tell her to reel it in
    Mar 83
    • Coursera AOFY34
      Spotted a misogynist
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      :/(
      Mar 8
    • Microsoft / Eng
      ParxAve

      MicrosoftEng

      PRE
      Apple
      ParxAvemore
      You sound really scary. Hope your wife is okay.
      Mar 8
  • Microsoft Dr. Root
    Are you newly married? Why does she hate your mom? Try talking to her and see if you can understand what's on her mind. You don't randomly hate somebody, there has to be more to it.
    Mar 82
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Very complex issue. Coming from
      Very different socio-economic backgrounds. Lot of resentment and anger.
      Mar 8
    • Microsoft Dr. Root
      Sorry that you have to go through this man. Reading through the other comments in the thread, it doesn't seem like this thing can be mended. I almost never recommend this but you should seriously consider divorce. Record her secretly the next time she hits you and use that in court. I can't imagine how hard it is to listen bad things about your own mother. She's not only dead weight in your relationship but is also making your life miserable. Don't worry about what the society would say if you separate, do what you feel is right.
      Mar 9
  • Google / Eng
    learner

    GoogleEng

    PRE
    Microsoft
    BIO
    14 yoe engineer in tech
    learnermore
    This is either a troll post, or the op is a real loser.
    I mean your wife says you sleep with your mom, and you dont respond?
    She and her parents generally deride indians, she hates everything about u, and u, and all u do is shut down?
    U deserve such a treatment.
    Mar 810
    • PayPal dryh36f
      I will go with troll the way op has been replying to comments
      Mar 8
    • Google / Eng
      learner

      GoogleEng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      14 yoe engineer in tech
      learnermore
      Think so too
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She has tried to call 911 if I respond back. She just typed the number in and waits for me to move an inch.
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She has called 911 on babysitter earlier and cops came home to take her off. She has the guts to do it
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      This is not troll
      Mar 8
    • Google / Eng
      learner

      GoogleEng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      14 yoe engineer in tech
      learnermore
      Lol, u r afraid she will call 911 after she accuses you of sleeping with your mom?
      Why dont u call her dad, and ask him, why is your daughter saying such disgusting things? Tell him, unless he has an answer, never try to contact you or your kids. Ask your wife, where did she learn such language?
      And next time, start recording what she says.
      Mar 8
    • Google / Eng
      learner

      GoogleEng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      14 yoe engineer in tech
      learnermore
      Pretty sure u r trolling
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Her parents are not very open. Their son and daughter-in-law are not in touch with them due to their behavior as well. Can it get any worse?
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      @learner I am not trolling. And yes - all of this is true. You just can’t believe it that’s all.
      Mar 8
    • Google / Eng
      learner

      GoogleEng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      14 yoe engineer in tech
      learnermore
      So u can atleast fight back.
      Mar 8
  • LinkedIn RandomSwe
    Always run from crazy no matter how hot! Since she makes more than you, you won’t even lose any money.
    Mar 81
    • Amazon McKnziBzos
      Always run from crazy +1. Learned my lessons.
      Mar 9
  • eBay
    gullyboi

    eBay

    PRE
    eBay
    gullyboimore
    She should seek help really fast.
    Mar 87
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She won’t.
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Her parents are also hardliners . They speak about Indians being uncouth, draws regional differences between people etc
      Mar 8
    • SAP Berni
      'They speak about Indians being uncouth'. This seems to suggest your wife/ her family come from a different ethno-cultural background. Is that correct? Has your wife ever revealed any hints about WHY she does not like even your friends? How are your wife's friends? Maybe more importantly, how did YOU BOTH meet?
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Arranged marriage. They are also Indians but raised across the nation since her dad had a transferring job. She told that my friends are all selfish and want to only take advantage of her and use her for their benefits. My wife has literally zero friends. No one.
      Mar 8
    • Uber lolololo6
      Smh never marry an Indian
      Mar 9
    • Intel 018’!
      Yeah, consider divorce.
      Mar 9
    • SAP Berni
      Ah, sorry to hear that OP. That clarifies things a little. It appears you just didn't know her before getting married. Never asked of/ interacted with her friends? Anyway, I think babymakes5 already said what you need to know. I can't speak from personal experience, but have doubts about how far acceptable it is to ask one's partner to sacrifice their sanity to maintain the semblance of a relationship, even with kids. How was she before the kids?
      Mar 9
  • Uber smartride
    Why are you still with her?
    Mar 84
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Kids
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      I have an adorable boy and girl. Can’t let go of them
      Mar 8
    • Uber smartride
      That’s reasonable, with kids it becomes very difficult to separate. Have an affair- it will atleast keep you happy
      Mar 8
    • Google / Eng
      learner

      GoogleEng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      14 yoe engineer in tech
      learnermore
      But u can make her life hell, like she is making yours. Kids are not an excuse for her to bully you.
      Mar 8
  • BlackRock righteousr
    Does she have a job ?
    Mar 82
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Yes She makes more than I do.
      Mar 8
    • Wipro
      JohnnyCa$h

      Wipro

      PRE
      Apple
      BIO
      Citizen and democrat
      JohnnyCa$hmore
      It’s power struggle since she brings in more money
      Mar 8
  • PayPal mrhuddle
    Op, you haven’t told us the real reason why your wife hates your mother? Did your mother do something to spoil your wife’s trust? Does your wife behave the same with other members in the family or with just your mother?
    Mar 81
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She behaves same way with everyone in my family even my extended family
      Mar 8
  • Oath GuruG
    You should seriously reconsider your relationship.
    Mar 81
  • Cruise Automation whatisav
    You said your wife hates your mom. But do you know if the reason is justifiable?? Her using inappropriate language is not right. Hence ur wife needs to go to anger MGMT classes.
    However if her anger is justifiable, you need to intervene and help so that she don't reach the high red mark.
    Mar 81
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      I can’t imagine how physically violent she can get if I ask her to go to anger mgmt classes
      Mar 8
  • Amazon AlexaNinja
    Keep a hidden camera and confront her. If she turns physically violent or abusive use that as evidence to file a domestic violence case and get her arrested
    Mar 90
  • Facebook ImranKhan
    That's why I had many wives. Free market and no monopolies.

    If you can't do that, I would suggest ignoring her and pretend that she does not exist and affect you. This will anger her even more and make her do something outrageous for sure without provocation. Capture that on video (install cctvs somehow, use your imagination here). Then take the proof to a court and send her to prison and file for divorce.
    Mar 90
  • Tinder rool
    If she won't agree to therapy, she doesn't respect you. It's not like going to therapy means she has to give anything up. If she doesn't respect you, the relationship is toast.

    Your wife sounds narcissistic, and in the end you're going to either get divorced or emotionally shut down for one reason or another. Her relationship with your mother is just one example for now. Either force her to go to therapy with you, or walk. Unless you're ready for a marriage where you're constantly disrespected.
    Mar 84
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Emotional shutdown is already on 100%
      Mar 8
    • Tinder rool
      I've been there man. Sometimes we cling to the past and think that our partners will go back to how they used to be. But it never happens that way, no matter how hard you want it to.

      Go to couples therapy (and you might want to see someone individually yourself). If she's not down, you need to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life like this. Much love bro
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Waiting for my next life my friend. This life is gone
      Mar 8
    • Amazon McKnziBzos
      Don’t say that OP.

      Perhaps you can go talk to someone on your own, they can help you figure out what the best solution is.
      Who knows, maybe wife sees the progress, she would want to go, too.
      Mar 9
  • Airbnb / EngJxjdukskjs
    Your wife says you sleep with your mom??!!??!?!?!?

    ??!?!

    !!?!??!?
    Mar 111
  • Salesforce HowdieD
    Your wife must be Asian. I feel you, bro
    Mar 81
    • Flipkart / Engsilentass
      That's generalization.
      Mar 8
  • Western Digital xfcs35
    Show her the door
    Mar 120
  • Broadcom Ltd. ilb
    Live your life. Find a way to get away from her
    Mar 120
  • Start going to couples therapy, even if you have to go alone at first.
    Mar 80
  • Amazon babymakes5
    In your case your wife is the problem. You’re faced with a real choice here and I think it’s an easy one. She won’t do therapy and makes you miserable: dump the wife and find someone who will make you happy.
    Mar 80
  • Wipro
    JohnnyCa$h

    Wipro

    PRE
    Apple
    BIO
    Citizen and democrat
    JohnnyCa$hmore
    Ask your mom try not to demand chores like cooking and cleaning. Help your wife in physical chores. Tell them stop arguing on money. Situation could be manageable after this rules.
    Mar 80
  • Google / Engы
    Do you have kids? First tell her to stop. Nicely. If she doesn't stop, start ignoring her (no talking). If this still doesn't help there are more options. Pretty much show her that she needs you more then you need her. Don't let her pull your strings (if there are such strings)
    Mar 82
    • Google / Engы
      Can she be jealous? In a sense maybe you spend more time talking to your mom that her? It's tough to guess.
      Mar 8
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      She is in general jealous. She doesn’t like most of my friends wives so my relationship with my friends have mostly shut down :-(
      Mar 8
  • Tibco software HzKp31
    This is a complex issue.Why does she hate your mom?
    Mar 81
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      So many issues before - misunderstandings. She has a perspective that me and my family married her because her family is rich. So stupid. But there is no way I can convince her.
      Mar 8
  • Pandora joystick
    You are looking for a miracle. You have two options, really:

    1. Divorce. She seems unreasonable, you might be better off investing your time and energy elsewhere.
    2. Patiently mentor her to become a better person who is aware of her emotions. Just ask her to rephrase until she can coherently express her frustrations without insulting your mom (put words in her mouth if she can’t). It will eventually become a habit for both of you. She might of course kick you out or physically hurt you out of frustration. It’s up to you for how long to keep this up and you can always divorce her ass if it becomes unbearable.
    Mar 81
    • Oracle aflatoon
      OP
      Very reasonable advice. Thanks
      Mar 8
  • Facebook PeFn27
    That’s messed wtf
    Mar 81
  • Athenahealth tcismylife
    Send her to rehab
    Mar 81
  • Microsoft 🌍ian
    How old is she? Just an age range
    Mar 81
  • Broadcom Ltd. Poyayan
    It sounds like your wife is kinda stress out in some way? Not only not getting along with your mom. Also jealous about your friends. etc etc.... Do you think more couple time is needed? Like a movie day. Yoga time together? Suggestion of therapy usually imply there is a problem. That only works if both agrees that there is a problem. Couple activities are really aiming to build more trust between you two. Build more life experience just between the two of you. I am not sure arranged marriage causes her to miss out some of the normal couple courting activities.

    When you guys in good mood, tell her a mellow family relationship is the best. It is hard to see her stress out like that. See if she can talk to you in depth on why she is acting that way?

    You already doing a lot to help around the house and kids. So, emotional aspect is one possibility which I think she might be wanting from you.
    Mar 90
  • Oracle aflatoon
    OP
    Hi guys this is Not troll.
    Mar 80
  • Qualcomm plbs30
    You should consider talking to your wife..take her out in a park speak to her what she wants.. Does she really hate your mom or she is doing so to step out of the relationship.. If she hates your mom try to the real reason for the hatered... Seems like you spend most of your time fulfilling your responsibility (cooking, trash, taking care of kids) I wonder when do you spend time with her.. Sometimes a little act of care, love anf attention can mend relations
    Mar 80
  • Zynga hmmpf
    Has she always hated everyone in your family? Seems like a deal breaker from the beginning. If it’s something new, then there’s a reason for it and you should try to figure that out and get it resolved
    Mar 80
  • Big oof
    Mar 80

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