My wife hates my mom - she uses abusive language and even makes statements that I sleep with my mom when she is angry. I always feel like bursting into anger but control myself - but it kills me from inside. How to cope with this? It’s taking a toll on me. No trolls please.
- Oracle pzdI feel for you. This is very complicated issue. Those suggesting therapy or separation are simplifying it too much. The only suggestion I can give you is this - never ever try to get in the middle of an issue between your mother and your wife. Do not try to "fix" their relationship. (You can't.) Keep your mouth shut when your wife brings up the topic. Tell her firmly that you do not want to have a conversation on the matter and would like to change the topic.
Above is the only thing that has worked for me. Everything else just leads to mayham.
- zMy mom doesn’t open her mouth lol or will get roasted. I cook my own food, wash dishes everyday, drop kids to school, wash clothes and iron my kids clothes everyday keep the trash out, make and feed my kids dinner and take my kids to soccer basketball tutoring and bunch of classes every weekend. No questions asked. The mortgage comes of my account as well. Not sure how else can I contribute.
- OP, so what does your wife do that’s contributing to the marriage? Does she care about your kids much?
At the end of the day, you need to think about your happiness (in the mean time hers, and your kids & mom’s happiness.) Your wife doesn’t sound like a happy person... You want to stay married for the kids, but when kids grow older, are you sure they’d like/ be happy to have both parents but unhappy ones/ environment? Also, role modeling, not sure how your kids will be influenced by your wife... and she can say some really rude things.
How old are your kids?
If you guys get a divorce, would she want custody?
I know you would prefer not to. I don’t have kids, but I suffered from a very traumatic marriage/ partner who has mental issues, substance uses and was abusive in addition to never being honest, never stopped seeing/ hooking up with other people and wasn’t able to communicate. Shut down silent when trying to communicate with them. Even hurt themselves.
I tried for nearly 2 years because I wasn’t able to detach myself/ my feelings from the relationship. So painful.
At the end I knew I tried everything, and the situation really got really really bad. So I moved out and filed for a divorce in the following months (still waiting to be finalized.) And that SOB wants to give me debt and take my money.
But, in all, I’m so much happier and I realized how great life can be and how happy I deserve to be. They don’t deserve a cent, but just to be divorced from that mess, all worth it.Mar 84
- Very true. Whatever will be your loss, in the Divorce case, is easily recoverable in a Software industry.
You can focus more in your work when you have peace at home. You are already in good company and by focusing well you can easily become a director/VP in few years and total gain would be 5-10 times more then overall losses.
She does not deserve you and take care of your mom 👍.
- New / MgmtVSwf01You end up how you start, your wife is doing this because she can get away with it and because you allowed her to. It's probably too late for you to tell her to reel it in
- Are you newly married? Why does she hate your mom? Try talking to her and see if you can understand what's on her mind. You don't randomly hate somebody, there has to be more to it.
- Sorry that you have to go through this man. Reading through the other comments in the thread, it doesn't seem like this thing can be mended. I almost never recommend this but you should seriously consider divorce. Record her secretly the next time she hits you and use that in court. I can't imagine how hard it is to listen bad things about your own mother. She's not only dead weight in your relationship but is also making your life miserable. Don't worry about what the society would say if you separate, do what you feel is right.Mar 93
- This is either a troll post, or the op is a real loser.
I mean your wife says you sleep with your mom, and you dont respond?
She and her parents generally deride indians, she hates everything about u, and u, and all u do is shut down?
U deserve such a treatment.
- Lol, u r afraid she will call 911 after she accuses you of sleeping with your mom?
Why dont u call her dad, and ask him, why is your daughter saying such disgusting things? Tell him, unless he has an answer, never try to contact you or your kids. Ask your wife, where did she learn such language?
And next time, start recording what she says.
- LinkedIn RandomSweAlways run from crazy no matter how hot! Since she makes more than you, you won’t even lose any money.
- 'They speak about Indians being uncouth'. This seems to suggest your wife/ her family come from a different ethno-cultural background. Is that correct? Has your wife ever revealed any hints about WHY she does not like even your friends? How are your wife's friends? Maybe more importantly, how did YOU BOTH meet?
- Ah, sorry to hear that OP. That clarifies things a little. It appears you just didn't know her before getting married. Never asked of/ interacted with her friends? Anyway, I think babymakes5 already said what you need to know. I can't speak from personal experience, but have doubts about how far acceptable it is to ask one's partner to sacrifice their sanity to maintain the semblance of a relationship, even with kids. How was she before the kids?
- PayPal mrhuddleOp, you haven’t told us the real reason why your wife hates your mother? Did your mother do something to spoil your wife’s trust? Does your wife behave the same with other members in the family or with just your mother?
- Cruise Automation whatisavYou said your wife hates your mom. But do you know if the reason is justifiable?? Her using inappropriate language is not right. Hence ur wife needs to go to anger MGMT classes.
However if her anger is justifiable, you need to intervene and help so that she don't reach the high red mark.
- Facebook ImranKhanThat's why I had many wives. Free market and no monopolies.
If you can't do that, I would suggest ignoring her and pretend that she does not exist and affect you. This will anger her even more and make her do something outrageous for sure without provocation. Capture that on video (install cctvs somehow, use your imagination here). Then take the proof to a court and send her to prison and file for divorce.
- If she won't agree to therapy, she doesn't respect you. It's not like going to therapy means she has to give anything up. If she doesn't respect you, the relationship is toast.
Your wife sounds narcissistic, and in the end you're going to either get divorced or emotionally shut down for one reason or another. Her relationship with your mother is just one example for now. Either force her to go to therapy with you, or walk. Unless you're ready for a marriage where you're constantly disrespected.
- I've been there man. Sometimes we cling to the past and think that our partners will go back to how they used to be. But it never happens that way, no matter how hard you want it to.
Go to couples therapy (and you might want to see someone individually yourself). If she's not down, you need to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life like this. Much love bro
- Do you have kids? First tell her to stop. Nicely. If she doesn't stop, start ignoring her (no talking). If this still doesn't help there are more options. Pretty much show her that she needs you more then you need her. Don't let her pull your strings (if there are such strings)
- Pandora joystickYou are looking for a miracle. You have two options, really:
1. Divorce. She seems unreasonable, you might be better off investing your time and energy elsewhere.
2. Patiently mentor her to become a better person who is aware of her emotions. Just ask her to rephrase until she can coherently express her frustrations without insulting your mom (put words in her mouth if she can’t). It will eventually become a habit for both of you. She might of course kick you out or physically hurt you out of frustration. It’s up to you for how long to keep this up and you can always divorce her ass if it becomes unbearable.
- Broadcom Ltd. PoyayanIt sounds like your wife is kinda stress out in some way? Not only not getting along with your mom. Also jealous about your friends. etc etc.... Do you think more couple time is needed? Like a movie day. Yoga time together? Suggestion of therapy usually imply there is a problem. That only works if both agrees that there is a problem. Couple activities are really aiming to build more trust between you two. Build more life experience just between the two of you. I am not sure arranged marriage causes her to miss out some of the normal couple courting activities.
When you guys in good mood, tell her a mellow family relationship is the best. It is hard to see her stress out like that. See if she can talk to you in depth on why she is acting that way?
You already doing a lot to help around the house and kids. So, emotional aspect is one possibility which I think she might be wanting from you.
- Qualcomm plbs30You should consider talking to your wife..take her out in a park speak to her what she wants.. Does she really hate your mom or she is doing so to step out of the relationship.. If she hates your mom try to the real reason for the hatered... Seems like you spend most of your time fulfilling your responsibility (cooking, trash, taking care of kids) I wonder when do you spend time with her.. Sometimes a little act of care, love anf attention can mend relations