Female. Indian. 28. Single
Anyone else feel that pressure?
Do you feel like going for arranged marriage or do you think you still have time to date a guy for couple more years and then marry? Like really wait for the right guy, fall in love head over heels and take it slowly/normally (Ofcourse there is a risk that the relationship falls apart when you are 30 and you may stay single forever)
I also see that the ‘waiting for the right guy’ attitude is totally working out for Americans. They have no timelines whatsoever. Cool, no? Do you think it will work for Indians, considering that our parents can be extremely sad and emotional if things don’t go the way they expect :/ I think going against them is nothing but added stress for us. Is it really worth it? Or is it fine to take the arranged marriage risk? Seems like it’s working for many Indians. 🤷🏻♀️ Like literally less than 1% divorce rate dude! How?!!!!!!!
- Salesforce Marc BThere is no right guy. 'The one' is a myth. You choose a good enough guy and make it right.
- having your family do the arrangement is not a whole lot different from using an app. i think much of modern matchmaking is actually just arranged by algorithms that know what you like (such as what your family would do). you meet because of mutual interest and good potential for compatibility. the chance of falling head over heels gaga in love is extremely slim -- for me it's like 2 or 3 people in my entire life out of thousands of people I've met. you either wait for that magical moment when both of you feel that way and you maybe burn out fast or go with someone you can spend a life with and not be bored. it's a 90% solution with much better long term outcome.
I once saw a post that asked, "for those of you who never found your soul mate, what do you do in life?" the top reply was, "I watch TV on the couch after work with my wife."Mar 1312
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- Well, the same logic works for arranged marriages too. The parents act like one of those dating apps and hook you up with a girl. It’s up-to you to figure out if they are compatible or not. You have all the freedom to reject or come out of the arranged date if you feel they aren’t a suitable match.
Looks like most of the westerners here think arranged marriage = forced married, which is totally wrong!🤦🏽♂️🤦♀️
- Right, I definitely came to understand that in this tread. It's interesting and eye opening to see a cultural transformation.
Most westerners date for 5-10+ dates lasting 3-5 hours to figure out IF they want a "real relationship". Then those "real relationships" last for multiple (2-5) years to figure out if marriage is a real possibility - this is where people move in together. Obviously years of a relationship when broken are devastating, but quite common.
How many dates are taken before additional steps are done? And how often is a relationship/engagement abandoned and does not result in marriage? (These are legit questions, I tried to write in an unbiased way)
- I’m an Indian (had an arranged marriage). I went on multiple dates/lot of phone conversations/chatting before I gave a green signal for engagement. This was my 5th match and I’m happily married now to that person now.
My first match was a disaster. After being in a relationship for few months i came to know the person was a freak and abandoned the engagement . My parents were totally supportive of my decision.
- The modern Indian practice at least in well educated families is more like matchmaking or introduced marriage rather than "arranged marriage" (I am a white guy basing this on what I see with Indian friends and co-workers). Arranged marriage has pretty negative connotations because it sounds like a light version of forced marriage. You guys should really consider rebranding how you refer to the modern practice in India.Mar 133
- PTC Googler19I am a 33 yr old Indian male who got married 4 yrs ago via arranged marriage. I found my partner via shaadi.com
Couple of things..
1. Arranged marriage has changed and so have the people who arrange them. Look at it as an opportunity to meet similar minded people. Don't think of it as portrayed in movies of the 70s. Look at arranged marriage platforms as tinder preimum.. which serves you verified profiles of qualified well educated potential grooms.
Don't rule it out. I met more interesting girls in 8 months of arranged marriage hunt vs 4 yrs of casual dating in USA.
2. Your biological clock doesn't give a fuck if you find good enough guy or perfect guy or no one at all. If you plan to have kids.. it's better to have them out by 34ish. You need time to grow as a couple after marriage before having kids. Things get tricky if you find the perfect guy.. but biological clock is running out.
3. No marriage is perfect and no decision is perfect. You have to take the decision and then work to make it perfect for your life.
- Microsoft sushueI am 32 and perfectly happy. The best time to get married is when you know the consequences of being with a particular person and you can still accept them. Also, when you're willing to deal with the other person's failures. Nobody fails on purpose, sometimes life will throw a curveball at your spouse and you'll realize that it's your problem too. If you can love them unconditionally through these things then your ready for marriage with someone.
- The 1% is because folks (often women) put up with failed marriages. Also, since marriages are family affair, when things go wrong, everyone will do their best to save the marriage (it's both good and bad, good if the differences are mild, terrible if the difference is large, as you will be the person carrying shit everyday).
As others said, do what is right for you. I know many friends who did arranged and are Happy. It largely depends on how much you are committed to make the marriage work and how much your partner is too. There is nothing called perfect match. Real life is about making a reasonable match get as close as possible to perfect one (and fail and learn from it continuously for a very good reason). It requires lot of will power, commitment to make it a success, significant compromise by both partners.
The real test of your bond will happen not when you are married, but when you have kid. The scope of disagreement will simply explode and you will start realizing as to how picky you were before you had kid. You will learn to prioritize what you want and if you still don't after kid, it will make both your lives miserable.
So much that, I consider folks who are single on the same pedestal as married without kids.
- Microsoft PinedmoreRe: your note about parenting differences, in Christian churches in the US there is often pre-marriage counseling. The couple takes surveys on parenting style and relationship style to see where they are compatible and where they differ. Are there similar checks and balances in some Indian communities.
- Tableau ImTableauKeep it simple - do what you think is right. Doesn’t matter what others want you to do. Eventually everything will work out. You get to live only once.
- Snowflake Computing TeopuubcmIndian here.
Simple rules to keep in mind before getting married:
1. There is no "the one". Period.
2. Learn to identify creeps. Being a guy, I thoroughly despise other guys for being pretentious and creepy. Stay away from them.
3. You don't need to fall in love, you just need to feel that you can make this work in the long term.
4. See if you two are capable of walking in each other's shoes. Communication and empathy can save thousands of dollars on counseling.
5. Most importantly, do you see a good dad in him?
I say go for arranged marriage. It's not a taboo anymore. It's evolved. Try to schedule dates with nice guys, learn to weed out creepy ones. Remember, creeps are mostly extroverts.
- Adobe livelifSomeone please explain this to me because it still completely perplexed me.
Arranged marriages in theory are just initial dates set up by your parents / family. How is that different that regular dates we all go about on? If you like them, GREAT! If not, just get re-setup again. To be in that situation is awesome! Knowing I have to do little to no work to have filtered people come to be based on my interests, like being Indian is awesome!
- Waiting for the right guy is not working for Americans as well. US has highest percentage of single adults in the history.
Waiting for the right guy vs good enough guy is one dimension. Arranged marriage or not is another dimension.
Even in arranged marriage ppl can wait for the right person.
- Thanks for decluttering my question. My major confusion lies around the former question (right guy vs good enough). If the answer is “good enough guy” then arranged marriage or finding a good guy who is ready for marriage through some dating app, seems one and the same to me. Different portals with different filters.
- Apple aallawadiHow often do you to date? Even if you have had this mindset of dating, how many Indians do you find who are OK to date to actually find out if this relationship works for them? I mean that's a real question and answer would shockingly diverge from how "American" go about it. So, I dunno maybe arrange marriage is still a better option for us, until there are many more people in the pool with this American mindset.
- Date to see if the relationship works for them’ is the western mindset. Where you are kinda aware that a relationship may or may not lead to marriage. Which is absolutely the most logical thing. So the process of getting into a relationship, making it work, failing and getting out of it will go on until you find the one (it could be in your 20s, 30s or 40s or whatever)
What we (maybe most of the
Indians) do is, we date to find a husband/wife (more like finding a compatible person for life ). Once we think he/she is the right person and if we get into a relationship with them, there is almost no “lets see where it goes and later think about marriage when we are ready” phase. Either that phase ends pretty soon or doesn’t exist at all. The start goal itself is ‘finding the one’ to get married.
You see the difference?! - most of us won’t be ready for that “let see if this relationship leads to marriage” . Leaving that open uncertainty in the relationship is the western mindset. Which personally makes so much sense to me. I think It’s just that most of us are not yet there.
And even if i’m ready to get into a relationship and see where it goes, it takes us back to my initial question, is it worth it or should I just find a ‘good enough’ person through arranged marriage and make that relationship work.Mar 132
- Tutanota / EngUHsg86That waiting to see if it works out phase shows you the true nature of the person when there are no expectations. If you make important decisions of your life out of fear, then, you will always be unhappy and disappointed. Doesn't mean you keep looking for the one. The bit about good enough is spot on. But, a highly orchestrated (arranged marriage) procedure has its issues as well. Do both, meet guys through arranged marriage portals as well as date. Trust your instincts and think only about your happiness when evaluating fit. Forget expectations or fear of being alone.2d1
- Apple KGHP41What evidence do you have that waiting for the right person is working out for Americans? The divorce rate is high, the social fabric is a mess, having children is a PITA and child care is shit in this country.
Do yourself a favor and listen to your parents. Find yourself a compatible partner. You may not fall head over heels with this guy but at least it’ll work out in the long run. Finding that compatible guy doesn’t need to happen through arranged marriage but through dating or other means.
- Waiting for the right person works out as long as you haven't passed the market peak. For coastal white Americans, it is 30-35, for Midwest whites, it is 25-30. Forgot Indians, it is 25-30 as well. You can wait but you will realize that as you cross 30 the best guys are not in the market anymore. And you will be chasing someone younger who himself will be chasing someone younger. So, for most men, marriage pool expands or stays the same. For women, it squeezes as they age.
I have several female Indian friends who didn't find a husband in time and now they are passed 35 and single. What did the guys do? They got a young trophy wife.
So, here is my suggestion as a married woman, start dating. Get the feel of the market, so that, you will know how long can you wait.
- Thank you all for the golden advice. It really helped me more than you think. It made me realize that plenty of others have been there. It is completely okay to not be deeply in love with that guy whom you are going to marry. It’s okay to date, feel confident at reasonable levels and then marry. Also that I was right about increasing my chances of being single/unmarried if I don’t find anyone until 30. The answers were almost unanimous.
- Amazon jessica22There is nothing like THE right guy....seriously. Been through that. You will have to compromise somewhere. Also a long term relationship and/or happy marriage is not made from finding someone who is perfect but someone who is good enough to make your own :). Personal experience ;)
DM me if you want to talk more.
- Amazon cheese11Yes, I am 29 and I feel the pressure mostly from seeing people around. I am good looking, got great career and live by myself. I am only looking for 1 thing “deep connection”. I have tried dating apps, met some good guys, did not find connection and it really starts slow with dating apps, like the slas to text etc. Some relations just fizzled out in the air.
I am going back to matrimony websites now, at least I know the intention of the person for serious relationship. I put up my own profile and have taken it into my hands. I want to use the matrimony platform like a dating app, get to know person take my time like 5-6 months but not keep hanging him.
I was somehow able to convince my parents that even if I get married late, it is important that I find the right guy.
- VMware oop!You should stop treating it as arranged marriage. I’m sure your parents are not choosing a guy and forcing you to get married to him. All they would want is for you to be open to talk/meet them and give it a fair chance.
Think about what you want in a guy and from a relationship. May be you already have an idea. But once you have a fair idea about this, it’s easier to go out there and talk to guys. You’ll know fairly quickly if you want to go ahead or not. If you click with someone, and think it could go somewhere, you can take time to get to know the person. Sure, It won’t be a ‘falling head over heals’ situation but would atleast be some middle ground.
Also, head over heels*
- Oracle / EngexAmzn2018moreSo are you one of those females who is "saving" herself for the right guy? :-)
- maybe I am that unlucky dumb female who stays in a relationship with the wrong guy and tries to make it work. Not that I chose bad guys or had really bad experiences, I just chose wrong ones at the wrong time and tried to make that work. It’s a matter of luck, timing and commitment. Seems like I don’t have enough time to keep doing this forever. I have to just choose a nice guy and marry him, hoping that I will be in the majority 99% of the Indians.
- There is some useful advice in the answers above. If you are feeling up to it, here is another way to deconstruct your dilemma https://plus.maths.org/content/mathematical-dating