Pressure
Female. Indian. 28. Single Anyone else feel that pressure? Do you feel like going for arranged marriage or do you think you still have time to date a guy for couple more years and then marry? Like really wait for the right guy, fall in love head over heels and take it slowly/normally (Ofcourse there is a risk that the relationship falls apart when you are 30 and you may stay single forever) I also see that the ‘waiting for the right guy’ attitude is totally working out for Americans. They have no timelines whatsoever. Cool, no? Do you think it will work for Indians, considering that our parents can be extremely sad and emotional if things don’t go the way they expect :/ I think going against them is nothing but added stress for us. Is it really worth it? Or is it fine to take the arranged marriage risk? Seems like it’s working for many Indians. 🤷🏻♀️ Like literally less than 1% divorce rate dude! How?!!!!!!! Edit, since few people asked what I ended up doing - I found someone through arranged marriage. I am not completely crazy about him. He is decent, nice and we have reasonable levels of physical attraction for each other. We try to shower each other with love but it's different because I used the word 'try'. A part of me is very glad that I found a companion for life who is also willing to try his best and the other part of me will always wish that we didn't have to try. The difference is like feeling, "what a nice man/woman! Let me see how I can make them happy. I shouldn't lose him/her" vs "wow, what an awesome man/woman! I very badly want to do this for them. I can't live without him/her". I am not sure if this difference makes sense to everyone but I don't know how to put it in better words. There is no right or wrong decision in life and always extra extra extra brownie points for someone who is willing to put effort, be it arranged or love.
Not sexist so got to say TC or GTFO
TC - 170k
Troll fed
There is no right guy. 'The one' is a myth. You choose a good enough guy and make it right.
So choose a good enough guy through arranged marriage or random dating, marry him and make it right? You might be absolutely correct. Just confirming if this is what you meant
arranged marriage may actually have a better chance of lasting for life because it wasn't emotion that got you into it, it was a chore. most people are better at keeping up with their chores than maintaining their feelings for decades.
I am 32 and perfectly happy. The best time to get married is when you know the consequences of being with a particular person and you can still accept them. Also, when you're willing to deal with the other person's failures. Nobody fails on purpose, sometimes life will throw a curveball at your spouse and you'll realize that it's your problem too. If you can love them unconditionally through these things then your ready for marriage with someone.
How often do you to date? Even if you have had this mindset of dating, how many Indians do you find who are OK to date to actually find out if this relationship works for them? I mean that's a real question and answer would shockingly diverge from how "American" go about it. So, I dunno maybe arrange marriage is still a better option for us, until there are many more people in the pool with this American mindset.
Bingo! I think that’s the most sensible question. Are we (this whole generation) ready for the complete western mindset. Maybe we are not yet there except for few exceptions.
What is this “American / Western mindset” you speak of? Care to elaborate ?
Just because it’s arranged marriage doesn’t mean you can’t find a great partner. Just because you chose arranged marriage doesn’t make someone a loser. A lot of people give importance to parents and compatibility of values and families and not just themselves.
@swe007 : based on your logic, finding a date on a dating app is also for losers. You rely on an app to provide sex. Wtf?
Waiting for the right guy is not working for Americans as well. US has highest percentage of single adults in the history. Waiting for the right guy vs good enough guy is one dimension. Arranged marriage or not is another dimension. Even in arranged marriage ppl can wait for the right person.
Thanks for decluttering my question. My major confusion lies around the former question (right guy vs good enough). If the answer is “good enough guy” then arranged marriage or finding a good guy who is ready for marriage through some dating app, seems one and the same to me. Different portals with different filters.
Yup they are the same. Different paths for the first date
All the time
There is nothing like THE right guy....seriously. Been through that. You will have to compromise somewhere. Also a long term relationship and/or happy marriage is not made from finding someone who is perfect but someone who is good enough to make your own :). Personal experience ;) DM me if you want to talk more.
I would love to talk more 😁 Because I’m that confused.
The 1% is because folks (often women) put up with failed marriages. Also, since marriages are family affair, when things go wrong, everyone will do their best to save the marriage (it's both good and bad, good if the differences are mild, terrible if the difference is large, as you will be the person carrying shit everyday). As others said, do what is right for you. I know many friends who did arranged and are Happy. It largely depends on how much you are committed to make the marriage work and how much your partner is too. There is nothing called perfect match. Real life is about making a reasonable match get as close as possible to perfect one (and fail and learn from it continuously for a very good reason). It requires lot of will power, commitment to make it a success, significant compromise by both partners. The real test of your bond will happen not when you are married, but when you have kid. The scope of disagreement will simply explode and you will start realizing as to how picky you were before you had kid. You will learn to prioritize what you want and if you still don't after kid, it will make both your lives miserable. So much that, I consider folks who are single on the same pedestal as married without kids.
I think culture differences also play into the 1%
Re: your note about parenting differences, in Christian churches in the US there is often pre-marriage counseling. The couple takes surveys on parenting style and relationship style to see where they are compatible and where they differ. Are there similar checks and balances in some Indian communities.
Keep it simple - do what you think is right. Doesn’t matter what others want you to do. Eventually everything will work out. You get to live only once.
Thanks. I’m not clear on what I think is right. Probably it’s on me.