Unequal emotional labor in relationships?

Microsoft bigsixhero
Jul 10 31 Comments

I was reading a Reddit thread and the top comment by ineffable_yet_f-able really hits home. A lot of the thread does:

https://www.reddit.com/r/changemyview/comments/cb0v65/cmv_in_heterosexual_relationships_the_problem/

Does anyone else feel this way in their relationship? For example, she will say that she feels extremely tired after a work day, and I will do my best to listen, understand, validate, and help her with her feelings, performing a lot of emotional labor. However, if I do the same, I’m met with one-liners, and then a lecture on how now I know how she feels every day. This makes me feel like any emotional labor generated by men is met with rejection.

Is this just how things are? Is the reality that men are just expected to internalize most of their problems and also bear the burden of their partner’s problems? What can be done about this?

Now before anyone says I should break up. She’s a great, caring, loving individual and we have a lot of great things about our relationship, including communication. However, it’s tiring to live with this inequality and I don’t know how receptive or productive it would be to discuss it with her.

TC 245k YOE 12

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TOP 31 Comments
  • GoDaddy Ofj47e
    > what can be done about this?

    Nothing. Man up
    Jul 10 2
    • Microsoft KyJeLlY
      It's not about maning up. It's about giving the same amount of effort that your partner gives you... Your comment is exactly why male victims of domestic violence don't come forward to seek help.
      Jul 10
    • New SgJq15
      If you're going to nickle and dime your relationship you should find someone else.

      If your girl beats you and it doesn't get your dick hard then you seriously need to find someone else
      Jul 10
  • I don’t understand why your TC has anything to do with the question??
    Jul 11 6
    • Lol oooookay very welcoming community thank you!
      Jul 11
    • Snowflake Computing / Consultant
      tech wala

      Snowflake Computing Consultant

      PRE
      ServiceNow
      tech walamore
      The more your TC, the more welcoming we are.
      Jul 11
    • Sorry, are you being serious?
      Jul 11
    • Snowflake Computing / Consultant
      tech wala

      Snowflake Computing Consultant

      PRE
      ServiceNow
      tech walamore
      No my friend. This is a timepass community. Expecting reasonable behavior is a crime here. People come here to have anonymous fun.
      Jul 11
    • Consider me schooled!
      Jul 11
  • Microsoft kdbd
    Woman here. say to her “When you need to unburden yourself, I’m always here to listen and support you. But you have no patience to listen to me when I need a listener. I’m a human being too, like any other person sometimes I get grizzly and need emotional support”. I’ve heard it in a past relationship and felt really bad about myself. It completely changed the way I treated him
    Jul 11 5
    • Indeed Ioser
      I’m sure reading off scripted lines in this situation will go as well as the scripted lines awkward guys use to pick up random girls
      Jul 11
    • Microsoft is right. Even if he’s reading this off a paper it’s totally fine.

      Women really listen when you have a heart-to-heart with them. Because men don’t do it often.
      Jul 11
    • Microsoft bigsixhero
      OP
      Thanks fellow msftie. Hearing your perspective helped a lot. I had this talk with her overnight, not with the same wording, and her reaction was exactly like yours. She didn’t realize how “mean” she came off (her words not mine) and said she’ll do her best to reflect on it. We both arent quite there just yet but your post helped me understand that soft and candid communication of my feelings was the right way to go rather than this redpill-ish can’t-do-anything-about-it thinking.
      Jul 11
    • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
      It doesn’t work. It may for a couple of weeks then it’ll go back to normal
      6d
    • Microsoft kdbd
      E*Trade, it’s another problem! You never stay with a person that doesn’t improve
      6d
  • Indeed Ioser
    if you feel it’s unequal, its unequal.

    you can’t let strangers like me tell you whether your life is fine or not.

    and no, imo its not fine. you’re clearly deprived of certain elements in your relationship that you crave at least enough to seek help online and on this forum about. its normal to want those things that you seek.

    breaking up is usually down the line of list of things to resort to. you can leverage her great communication trait to resolve this. the manner in which this is handled by either party can help decide towards a breakup if necessary.
    Jul 10 0
  • Fidelis Cybersecurity / Eng
    pzhang15

    Fidelis Cybersecurity Eng

    PRE
    EchoStar
    pzhang15more
    You are in an unequal relationship, man up
    Jul 10 8
    • Fidelis Cybersecurity / Eng
      pzhang15

      Fidelis Cybersecurity Eng

      PRE
      EchoStar
      pzhang15more
      Just talk to her, tell her how you feel
      Jul 10
    • Indeed Ioser
      haha okay op already said they didnt wanna break up
      Jul 10
    • Microsoft O2M
      Get out of unequal relationship. You deserve better regardless of your gender.
      Jul 10
    • New SgJq15
      You're essentially the bit.ch in the relationship so manning up might just get your ass kicked. I suggest working on confidence and self esteem, then put your foot down
      Jul 10
    • Indeed Ioser
      someone understands
      Jul 10
  • Neurocrine LC is life
    You both may have different love languages. Helping her after a tiring day, for example, is your love language. Her default may be different. Think about it and then talk to her.
    Jul 10 1
    • Amazon ijustcant
      Or even take the 5 love languages quiz online as a couple
      Jul 10
  • PayPal mynamesjef
    Alcohol is the answer
    6d 0
  • Snowflake Computing / Consultant
    tech wala

    Snowflake Computing Consultant

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    ServiceNow
    tech walamore
    Sounds like she's manipulative and controlling. Your example tells me she doesn't think about equality the way you do. Best thing, have a direct discussion - Golden advice I give everyone. For more advice, DM.
    Jul 11 0
  • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
    Unproductive to discuss these things if your wife is of traditional upbringing.
    Jul 10 0