What to do after honeymoon phase?

Cisco meowwww
Mar 12 58 Comments

SO and I have been together almost 2 years. Not sure if I’m losing interest or honeymoon phase is over. I care about them a lot but some things bother me about them.

They have very little ambition or drive in life. Although we are both SWE I make twice as much. They spent a year unemployed and only recently got a job. I am 25 they are 27

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TOP 58 Comments
  • Intuit gandolf
    Who is they (plural)? Its either he or she (singular).
    Mar 129
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Why does that matter
      Mar 12
    • Cisco / Engacqui
      They is generally used if you do not want to disclose the gender.
      Mar 12
    • Intuit gandolf
      Because it’s confusing AF
      Mar 12
    • Twitter pRgC07
      Some people use they/them pronouns.
      Mar 12
    • Microsoft jdjisgaka
      OP practises polygamy.
      Mar 12
    • Oath xxxcd
      I hear polyamory is more hip these days.
      Mar 12
    • They is a way of showing respect, not in western culture.
      Mar 12
    • Foursquare / EngFlyingRat
      Not in western culture?
      What culture is it from lol
      Mar 12
    • Cisco / EngIntervie
      Indian culture. However, I really doubt if OP is from India. I have seen Americans use "they" while referring to an individual. So, it must be correct grammar.
      Mar 12
  • New sparked
    Talk. If there are things that bother you, address them.
    Mar 122
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      We talked last night and I feel much better tHanks!
      Mar 13
    • New sparked
      Glad you got things off your chest! As an aside I highly recommend reading 12 Rules for life; it is a phenomenally well written book that lays out simple steps that you can take to drastically improve how you view yourself and your relationship with the world around you
      Mar 13
  • Axtria DesiLaunda
    Isn't marriage more than being at the same level of career aspirations and TC? Maybe I am wrong.
    Mar 125
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      It is. But he has no goals and hasn’t grown in the past 2 years
      Mar 12
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Push him to do better, don't dump him for not doing good enough.
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      How?
      Mar 12
    • Microsoft "/&,$,):@
      Talk to him and not Blind? We have no idea what's going on in his life
      Mar 12
    • If your one child is ambitious and other is not. Would you love the ambitious child more? Emotions should not be driven by materialistic things. If he understands his responsibilities towards you and doesn’t take you for granted, conversation and empathy should help solve the problem
      Mar 12
  • Informatica judomajort
    Look into why you were together for 2 years, what do you have in common? What interests and values do you share?
    Looking at the human relationships from TC point of view is very narrow framing
    Mar 127
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      It’s not about the TC. It’s about the fact he isn’t ambitious or have drive. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out hoping he’ll change
      Mar 12
    • Informatica judomajort
      Did this drive thing change recently or it was there all the time?

      Very often we expect to get rather than give in relationships. Are you investing in this relationship?
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      He never had drive. He finally has a job but it took over a year. I do give. I’ve paid for him countless times over the time he was unemployed
      Mar 12
    • Tableau Zero Cool
      Waiting for your SO to change doesn't work out most of the times
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Are u in a relationship
      Mar 12
    • Tableau Zero Cool
      Yes
      Mar 12
    • Informatica judomajort
      Just waiting doesn’t work.

      Investing in the change with certain trip wire defined will help: for example join training for the areas you want them to grow and set 2 month to see results and efforts. If nothing happens you know the answer.
      Mar 12
  • Snapchat QAAL16
    You are clearly a woman who wants a real man. Now if you want to marry a man, you need to dump this guy.

    You will not get a house husband out of him. You will get a house boy. And you will be his mom.
    Mar 122
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Are you a woman? I see what you mean ...
      Mar 12
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      I'm a dude. And it sounds like your subconscious knows what qualities you find attractive in a real man, and it's up to you to take control and make the right play.
      Mar 12
  • Amazon / Productgiju14
    Marriage is overrated
    Mar 122
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Are you married
      Mar 13
    • Google / EngAbLy47
      I sometimes agree marriage can be amazing but it isn't always.

      The long and short is to me, if you aren't fuck yes you are out.
      Mar 14
  • Morgan Stanley hotChicken
    You fart in bed
    Mar 121
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      I snore sometimes too
      Mar 12
  • New arch135
    Talk to them .. drive is not constant . Some people gets the drive at a later stage
    Mar 123
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      That’s what I’m hoping for. He’s already 27 though
      Mar 12
    • New arch135
      I have seeen many changing lives at 30s .. don’t worry 27 is still young .. but keep talking to him .. try to know what exites him
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Ok:) thanks!
      Mar 12
  • Gigamon / Eng
    done

    GigamonEng

    BIO
    what's th is
    donemore
    If you are ambitious and he is not, why did you marry him. Did you not know this?
    Mar 122
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      We’re not married.. we’re just dating. I was 23 when we started to date I didn’t care about those things. Now I’m 25 and care about it but not sure if he’ll change
      Mar 12
    • Gigamon / Eng
      done

      GigamonEng

      BIO
      what's th is
      donemore
      Move on then
      Mar 12
  • Microsoft / EngC---
    Them? You can pick one for starters.
    Mar 120
  • New stuY15
    You got a passive va.gina at home. Most women don't need another va.gina as they already have one and one is generally enough most of the time. the ratio should be kept at or above 1. Find a man who understands this and you're set.
    Mar 134
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      I’m not sure about that since I also like women :P
      Mar 13
    • New stuY15
      I said most, if you have special circumstances and you want a man with female predispositions then I'm not sure what is the complaint exactly. You kind of already have that right now.
      Mar 13
    • Amazon qhUc80
      this is such a stupid comment
      Mar 22
    • New stuY15
      Why, because you are a passive vag?
      Mar 22
  • Does he make up for it in other areas? Are there other things that make you attracted to him, outside of professional shortcomings?

    Your situation sounds kind of like my friends’. After graduating, the guy basically just lounges at home and plays video games while the woman is the primary breadwinner. He runs a photography business but isnt particularly motivated to do what it takes to grow it. The woman has expressed concerns to me a few times before, but I think she seems resigned to the fact that she’s not going to be able to change him. Also she was attracted to how easy-going he is in the first place. He does make up for lack of ambition by doing housework and being a great cook. They’ve been happily married for two years and it’s worked out well for them.

    You could care about people you dont love...but if that’s the only thing keeping you two together, then maybe you need to talk it out with him and rethink things.
    Mar 124
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      I’m glad they’re doing well. Yeah he’s a great cook and does housework. I can see him being a great house husband and that’s honestly what he wants. But I’m not sure if that’s what I want. I want him to be passionate about something but can’t force it
      Mar 12
    • It’s hard to say how people will change. Maybe he will discover his passion in the future, maybe not. There’s a non-zero chance that he will just be a house-husband...so it’s up to you to decide if that’s a possibility you can accept?

      Does he have interests or hobbies? Maybe he could turn that into a career.
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Do video games count?
      Mar 12
    • Amazon qhUc80
      Passionate about what? Are you sure you’re not just judging him because he’s different from you? Is he emotionally supportive? do you have fun together? if you want kids, will he make a great dad?
      Mar 22
  • King County, WA BVM316XT
    You mentioned that he’s a great cook. Is that the field in which he was hired? If not, maybe he should re-evaluate his career choice. It’s important for him to take some sort of enjoyment in what he does, otherwise he’s going to continue to show a lack of passion.

    My other concern is for the possibility that he is depressed. A lack of passion and drive is usually a sign of untreated depression.

    If this is something that is going to continue to drive a wedge between the two of you, you will have to address it. Otherwise you will eventually resent him beyond the point of repair. It comes down to communication. Have you thought about couples counseling? I have friends who started going to couples counseling very early into their relationship, not because their relationship was already having problems, but because they didn’t want it to ever get to that point. If you feel that counseling will not help, then you will have to decide whether or not you want to continue to invest in a relationship that might not ever get better.

    Do you want to wait until you are in your 30s to have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship? I did, and I regret it. I eventually found the person I would go on to marry, but I will always feel like I lost my 20s because I wasted so much time and emotional investment in a relationship that was never going to get better.
    Mar 121
    • Cisco meowwww
      OP
      Thanks for the advice. He isn’t a cook he’s a software engineer. He’s definitely depressed but I’m not sure how to help him
      Mar 12
  • Broadcom Ltd. ilb
    Fail fast, cut losses early before you are too invested
    Mar 120
  • Cisco / EngBitchSlap
    If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. It is important to have common goals in life in my opinion. Financial or not. Especially, for married couples.
    Mar 120
  • Lockheed Martin QnNB87
    You need to talk about that. Maybe he thinks you're failing him personally, as well
    Mar 120

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