Wife’s parents are asking for money. What to do?

Microsoft Nexcare
Oct 13, 2018 280 Comments

Indian arranged marriage case. Both me and my wife earn. Wife is in a temp job, not much earnings. Wife has a brother whose wife is not letting him spend on parents. While marrying me and my parents thought that since wife has brother, he will take care of her parents. So didn’t bother to ask much about her parents’ finances. Turns out my FIL does not have much saved for retirement. So now FIL is asking for money from my wife as my wife earns. I am feeling frustrated but my wife wants to give a monthly pension kind of a thing to her parents. We were happy before this but now there are a lot of quarrels between us because of this. How should I handle this scenario?

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TOP 280 Comments
  • Monthly is a bit much? How much a month?
    Oct 13, 2018 46
    • Microsoft futbol
      Do you love your wife or not? If you love her, sure, $270/month is money you'd like to keep, but well worth the small cost to have a happy marriage. So, time to decide. Do you love $270/month more or less than your wife?
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Apple vLwd48
      OP: How long have you been married ? Clearly you got gamed in the arranged marriage setup. My advice is to get her brother to chip in. If it were me given the amount I would let it slide but I understand where you are coming from.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Intel dying
      OP, I really hope you get old and get to be on the other side of this some day.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      No he won’t, because he’s responsible and doesn’t think of kids as a 401k insurance strategy, dumbass @dying.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Intel goldenyrs
      Life is not always predictable and being a general asshole because of you are being 'responsible' is not justified. Thanks for bringing your cocky self to the thread.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Stfu idiot - I understand life has risks. But if your attitude is such that you believe your kids or your daughter’s husband is your only 401k strategy and you splurge your paycheck with that belief, then you don’t deserve compassion. You need to be told you had an irresponsible life, anything you get from them now is a generous donation - be thankful and not resentful.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Intel goldenyrs
      Not sure what your point here is. OP never said that his FIL was careless and didn't plan for his retirement. Or that his FIL is resentful and not thankful for any help he receives. OP is concerned about his wife helping her father out. Thanks for your presumptuous inputs, baboon.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Such hostility. The OP asked a question, and we’re addressing / answering the question. If you want to hear your own voice echo, then just don’t ask.
      The OP’s mind seems set. No point in discussing.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      OP clearly said that the FIL is emotionally blackmailing his wife into feeling obliged to pay. There’s entitlement there, not gratefulness and thankfulness. There’s resentment. I repeat what I said: I understand life has risks. But if your attitude is such that you believe your kids or your daughter’s husband is your only 401k strategy and you splurge your paycheck with that belief, then you don’t deserve compassion. You need to be told you had an irresponsible life, anything you get from them now is a generous donation - be thankful and not resentful.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Intel goldenyrs
      The blackmail detail is not apparent from the post description itself - I might have missed some other comments where he's provided more description.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Facebook WhoAmEye
    Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up
    Oct 13, 2018 1
    • Microsoft Aieht
      How can you suggest deleting FB to one of your customers?
      Oct 13, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      If parents do that, that is bad planning.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook utGz11
      Agree to Pinterest guy. Shocked with so much inhumane tech elites’ comments here.

      I am very well aware of Indian and the subcontinental culture, where parents spend most of their savings for sake of kids rather spending on personal pleasure (like travel or luxury shopping etc). The mindset is that the kids would reciprocate that in their older ages.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Neustar AdaL
      The point you all may be missing is that usually in Indian culture it is the son who usually takes care of his parents in old age.
      It seems the son is not stepping up in this case.
      OP, rather than fighting with your wife. Perhaps you should have a conversation with her and try to figure out if the son can step up. That way you guys can share the costs I
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      I hear from my wife that if her brother starts giving, he will face a divorce to say the least. This is what I hear. Not sure what the reality is.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Juniper Pliny Jr.
      A divorce? Shit dude. You should worry about your wife divorcing you for being so Scroogish. 😫
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      “He assumed that son will take care.” Wtf?!?

      OP has NO obligations to pay in laws or his parents. None. Stfu. If he does pay, it should be considered a gift or an interest-free loan with gratitude (in return they could make provisions in their will for their home).

      Those parents had an obligation to plan for their lives before having kids. Your kid is not a 401k or a social security scheme, DUMBASS. Stop propagating that disgusting expectation. Promote individual responsibility for EVERYONE. It will lead to a better society, fewer quarrels, and more successful life.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon whatever2
      Is your wife Okey with you giving a good chunk to your parents?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      She may be ok but my parents will not take. They have more than enough. We have not discussed that situation
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New / Eng yfYI75
      Empathy is what you need OP. Have you ever sit down and let your wife share how hard her parents have sacrified for their children's success.

      Now you are whining about your fucking weath and education over her own happiness????

      You should change your perspective about life, my friend.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      ^ stupid advice.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Goes on to prove that Microsoft has a low hiring bar and maximum number of jerks on Blind come from Microsoft. I feel so sorry that the girl married a nasty ass***le like OP.
    Oct 13, 2018 13
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      How is this fair to my parents who have sacrificed a lot to make sure they don’t depend on the son even though he is earning in US?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple KGHP41
      OP, get one thing through your thick skull, circumstances change. Don’t be so arrogant to assume that your parents and in laws had the same opportunities and circumstances. Even if they were the same I would not compare. You’re coming off as an incredibly immature prick right now. You do not understand the meaning of a marriage.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Spotify cjwn
      OP, you didn’t just marry your wife, you married her family and her values. Also legally your money is her money, the US basically treats spouses as the same legal entity.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • But he did marry his wife and not the entire family.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Where does it end? Tomorrow if her brother needs assistance, I should oblige again because I want to prevent a divorce?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Don't listen to people here there is no such thing as free lunch. You don't owe anything to parents they owe everything to you because they brought you in this world. I'm shocked by the responses here.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      Op - again brother is different than parents. Parents are responsibility. If you will respect her responsibility she will respect urs. If you go for divorce even attorneys will cost life time of money i guess
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Netflixe
      Venom fuck off with your msft hating bullshit dude. What does this even have anything remotely to fo with Ms? Your dumb is the one at EMC. And you're a fucking TPM, shit yo ass up nigha
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook / Eng
      vBiW66

      Facebook Eng

      PRE
      Facebook
      BIO
      Move fast
      vBiW66more
      Major altercation with Wife (Relationships)
      https://us.teamblind.com/s/5kzUhWBq
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Microsoft Netflixe
      Lol what a clown this guy is .
      Oct 14, 2018
  • New EVlp62
    I give money monthly to my parents and FIL parents. Pretty common for foreigners. $1000 each. Best advice is just give... i am not Indian though. Wife doesn't work, also
    Oct 13, 2018 13
    • Twitter StonedBiz
      You're an idiot Facebook. Many families (immigrant or not) sacrificed for their kids.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Best way to sacrifice for your kids is to first be responsible about yourself first. Not only will you build a stable base for your kids, but they’ll pick up on the habits too. So again, irresponsible stuff idiot @Twitch
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google sunspot
      Lol get that Ayn rand shit outta here. This is literally the stupidest thing I’ve read today. Congrats 🎊
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      @Ut rh, I think EVlp62 is in a better place to judge whether or not his parents have been responsible. Being an immigrant myself, I know for a fact that my parents sometimes didn’t have money to put food on the table. They valued my education and basic necessities above their future, so guess where all that money meant for their future went. So while it’d be great to have been able to plan for your future and support your children, sometimes the choices are not that easy
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Wells Fargo qUyB01
      Good for you. In most cases parents sacrificed a lot to make sure kids were educated well and able to advance in life. Got to pay it back 👍 if my parents or the in laws needed money I wouldn’t hesitate either
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Again, irresponsible. They don’t realize that not having food on a table shapes a bad environment for the child, who learns bad beliefs, habits and emotional unrest. When you don’t not have basic necessities, you endure emotional trauma and suffering. That education is not worth the sacrifice, it’s a flawed belief.

      Put food on the table, get a shelter, home school your kids if you have to, then when you have enough upgrade their education. You can live on a farm land with no money and grow everything you need and still raise kids to be happy, have the right attitude, be confident and self sufficient and successful in life. Give them a real education on life, not a phony traumatized, debt ridden college education for which they are forever indebted to their parents. Sigh.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Wells Fargo qUyB01
      I think our beliefs are shaped by our upbringing. If you were brought up in the US maybe “debt ridden college education” rings true, it’s not necessarily the case elsewhere
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      Sure, I realised at an early age how important food was (so I cringe when people waste food here). I don’t think that is necessarily bad. Besides home schooling doesn’t even come close to how fast paced the academic curriculum at schools is and how much I picked up there. Also the kids who came to my school were better examples for me than the kids in my neighbourhood. So from among the 20 friends in my neighbourhood I’d say 2 (including me) are well off and few years away from financial independence. I can’t tell if my neighbourhood friends back there are happy, but I am, and whenever I visit, only 3 of them seem happy (even though their WLB is crazy, they’ve accepted it as a norm). Funny thing though is that two of my dads cousins decided to go the farming and home schooling route. Their kids (same age as me now) are still living in the village where there’s not even proper sanitation, are always in between jobs (switching between cab driving to a security guard to probably an insurance agent recently), the better jobs being in cities means they have to stay away from their families and farming doesn’t produce enough money to feed the entire family now.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      “the kids who came to my school were better examples “ that’s because your parents didn’t set a good example. You could’ve learned a lot from responsible parents.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      Dude, you’re missing the context in there. That was comparing the kids in school to the ones in neighbourhood. Not everything you learn in life is from parents, you learn from your friends too. Anyways, I don’t think we are getting anywhere with this. I guess us coming to an agreement here is not a big deal (no one gets hurt), so peace out✌🏼
      Oct 15, 2018
  • Airbnb / Eng RealHudson
    Lesson: don’t do arranged marriages.
    Oct 13, 2018 7
    • New EVlp62
      Its irrelevant to it being arranged. It's more of dont marry into family who doesnt not have retirement plans
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      That’s right. It’s not about arranged marriage. After a couple of years, both are almost same.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Ok well then don’t marry someone that has a family who becomes a financial burden. They didn’t plan their life well. Not the new husbands 💰 problem.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Booking.com XqBM21
      I would never ask my potential spouse about their parents financials... it’s a cultural thing i guess... and would never make a decision based on that, unless it’s something very extreem... also thinking from another perspective, ok the guy doesn’t agree on the money and let’s say they divorce, i wonder what would another woman feel about such a reason for a divorse? for me
      personally it would be a red light...
      Oct 13, 2018
    • LinkedIn Zeiwkf5
      I think it’s important to discuss finances beforehand. Just so there are not surprises like this.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple / Eng Serialized
      This is obviously the problem. I would never choose to marry someone who’s family is not financially stable. It’s one of many reasons why you date someone before getting married, to get a feel for what being married to the person is like and to figure out what your future with that person looks like, including financially.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Or get a prenup, regardless of type of marriage. Not worth the risk otherwise.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • OP is a greedy and nasty person. Your wife should support her parents just like any child should. OP is greedy and thinks his wife's earnings are his own. Shame
    Oct 13, 2018 9
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My wife also thinks my earnings belong to her. How is that fair?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      I don't expect any support from my children when they grow up and I personally believe only my kids and wife should expect any long term financial support from me and my wife. I don't believe OP is wrong.

      Few days back there was a post about taking kids in first class flight travel, bunch of people suggested to book economy for kids and to teach them that their parents money is not their money how is this any different?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Thank you
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Paperless Post / Eng
      CashMeIn

      Paperless Post Eng

      PRE
      JPMorgan Chase
      BIO
      Not your average blind user
      CashMeInmore
      OMG. What the fuck is wrong with you guys. OP's wife is not asking to pay for her parents flight ticket, so that comparison is BS.

      Op, what is the worst case scenario? You don't help and your wife's brother won't help, then do the old people just go to some shelter and live their life. What if they don't even have money to eat properly? Would your wife be happy and do her best in life to raise a family? Or does she just try to take revenge on you at some point.

      Although you didn't sign up for this, just give it up and support them. And make a plan for their would be medical expenses. I'm telling you, that 3K a year is worth avoiding conflict and living in peace.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      CashMeIn you are really scared of your wife, you will do anything to keep the peace. However know that peace can't be bought.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon Sev -1
      What a dick! Losing shit over 300 dollars a month.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      How many $300 per month you can afford? I have 10s of people ready to take my money, I can direct them your way.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon Sev -1
      Do you have 10s father in law?
      Oct 17, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      I have 10s of immediate relatives who would tell me the same story, fortunately my in-laws are well to do.
      Oct 17, 2018
  • Oracle / Eng HitU40
    I sent $500 every month for my mom and dad for last 5 years and now I lost both of them . Don’t be stupid life is too short, spent money for your parents and your in-law parents if they are in need .
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Salesforce beniofella
      I'm sorry for your loss. :( RIP
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intel crz
      Sorry for you loss :(
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Microsoft JNtU30
    That's even more bullshit. You are not willing to support them in medical emergency, you are such an idiot. Go and f**k with your earned money .... Why am I spending time here ...
    Oct 13, 2018 6
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      I mean, if I say yes now, wife’s brother will completely wash his hands and we will be the only option later when expenses are higher
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      You are just making up one excuse after another about what MIGHT happen. You are being totally selfish. I bet you are the type of person who doesn’t tip in restaurants.

      I was in a similar situation, my partner’s parents needed money to help every month, and I helped them out with $350 a month. It’s not that much money and it will make your wife a lot happier, and will help family.

      Don’t be a selfish prick. Do it.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Was it a one time thing? I can understand one time expenses but this is till end of life.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      It wasn’t a one time thing, lasted for about 2 years until the parent passed away.

      Just because you give them money doesn’t mean you give them direct access to your bank account. If at a future time they want more money, you can say no then. You aren’t promising them a life time of free money. Stop being selfish and make your wife happy.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      And if you don’t do it, your wife will deeply resent you for being a cheap bastard. Sorry to be blunt but it’s true.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple KGHP41
      So what? If her brother doesn’t help out, he is a shitty human being. I hope you don’t ever find yourself out of money and wanting to care for a loved one. Don’t treat your wife like a subhuman. You will regret it.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Qualcomm life345
    Give man.. your wife will thank you for life.. trust me she will not forget
    Oct 13, 2018 10
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My dad gets pension and is well to do for middle class. Should I say that I will also give equal amount to my parents so that she also feels the pinch?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intel Asafetida
      That’s insane. Why should she feel the pinch if you wish to give to your parents? Similarly you shouldn’t feel bad either if she decides to give anything to her parents. Both my and my husband’s parents have saved enough throughout their lives. But we still send $500 to $1000 every month to them. He never questions me how much I’m sending and neither do I. They have spent so much on us to see us grow and be who we are today. They don’t need our money in any way but we still choose to send it because we want them to keep their savings for medical emergencies, traveling and enjoying life after retirement. Can’t believe people like you exists.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Idiot at intel “can’t believe people like you exist” wtf?

      OP has NO obligations to pay in laws or his parents. None. Stfu. If he does pay, it should be considered a gift or an interest-free loan with gratitude (in return they could make provisions in their will for their home).

      Those parents had an obligation to plan for their lives before having kids. Your kid is not a 401k or a social security scheme, DUMBASS. Stop propagating that disgusting expectation. Promote individual responsibility for EVERYONE. It will lead to a better society, fewer quarrels, and more successful life.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intel Asafetida
      Dude, grow up. Not sure if you are from India but in the Indian culture, lives of parents revolve around children (in most cases). It might not be the case for the OP’s parents. So he might choose not to. However, his wife’s parents might have given up a lot for her upbringing. He should not have a problem with his wife giving money to her parents from her own salary. It’s not any obligation (really, caring for parents is an obligation?) Don’t comment about a culture you have no idea about.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google WatsGoinOn
      Ut rh: The conventional wisdom of today isn’t the same as what it was when his wife was growing up. His in laws were growing up in a society where the kids were the investment. India doesn’t have a social security scheme or pension for non salaried professional. OP isn’t complaining about why the parents didn’t save up. He is complaining why “their son” isn’t paying up why ask from daughter. Ideally both son and daughter should pay and OP is just being a sexist asshole. It’s because of people like OP that Indian parents don’t want daughters and see them as sunk cost, leading to an environment where there are female foeticide.

      Yes OP and the generation of today should plan before having kids. But that wasn’t the same in previous generation in India.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents are older than her parents but are much more financially sound.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google WatsGoinOn
      Hers aren’t. Why do you want to put her in a situation where she has to choose between her parents and you?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      FIL is the one doing that by not planning his retirement, not me
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google WatsGoinOn
      I understand you didn’t choose the circumstances. But they are what they are now and you can decide to either support her now or go through a messy divorce. I have a very close friend who went through an expensive messy divorce for this exact reason.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      OP: sit your wife down and analyze your monthly joint expenses on common things like groceries, mortgage, insurance etc. Then split that in half - make sure she understands that one half needs to come from her pay check. Then she’s free to donate the remainder of her money to her parents. If she’s not able to, sorry it means she’s asking a donation from you. Irresponsible.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • New aLuu55
    Seriously, $250-300 a month....? To make your wife happy and help family...? How selfish can you be...?
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      I am also worried that it will climb up from that amount as they age and need to spend on health care.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      But that hasn’t happened yet. And if it ever does, you can simply say no more since you are already helping.

      That’s a poor excuse. You are being selfish. If it was some random stranger that would be one thing, but this is your wife and her family.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Google / Eng
    bostonaro

    Google Eng

    BIO
    Top Contributor or GTFO
    bostonaromore
    I'm not Indian and I'm giving the entire rent of a property I own overseas to my mother-in-law because she made terrible financial decisions late in life and can't afford retirement now. It is about $1500 per month and it is a very low price to keep my piece of mind.

    A word of wisdom: stop being so cheap. It will save you money in the long run.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Apple KGHP41
    The thing about marriage is, you have to share assets and debts. Sharing your income for your wife’s parents’ maintenance will go a long way cementing the bond you have with your LIFE PARTNER. Think if the roles were reversed, how would you want your wife to treat you and behave accordingly. You will have your answer.

    PS: Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she has any less responsibility towards her parents. You make her feel shitty about taking care of her aging parents, I guarantee you that your marriage will be an unhappy one. Dig yourself out of the regressive shithole and stop giving Indian men a bad name.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Oracle / Eng Saying
    In India we have shifty culture where it's ok for men to take care of their parents even after marriage but we women can't. This is something to do with the society in general. I hate that I was born in such a shorty country where no mater how much a female is earning, she has to follow what her in-laws says.
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      Who says she has to follow what her in-laws say if she’s financially independent?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft kLTH12
      I agree with that ^ it’s also women’s responsibility to defy such expectations. They were formed in an era when women were ‘dependents’ on their husbands - for a lot of reasons, being denied education, treated secondary to brothers, considered ‘paraya dhaan’ - all those days are gone. Atleast for many.
      If your in-laws have any expectations of you favoring them over your parents, then it’s your responsibility to stand up and say no. Coz this needs to end before our daughters start seeing the world.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Microsoft Nexcare
    OP
    Thank you all for your responses. Each of these helped me a lot. For now, I am leaning towards paying the “peace tax” of $270 each month and re-evaluate if circumstances change. I am hoping my wife becomes nicer with me after this.
    Oct 14, 2018 5
    • New aLuu55
      Great decision. Good luck bud
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Thank you
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Amazon Jfsh66
      Also, talk to your wife and tell her that respect her decision to help her parents but also set some limits, do convey to her that you appreciate her helping her parents out and that is a very nice thing to do. Also talk to your in laws and make sure that you are helping them out willingly and give them assurances. That goes a long way in keeping their confidence high and also that they feel that they found an awesome son in law who is better than their son and who will actually be a great husband to their daughter. As Indian parents of a girl child, their biggest worry in life is how their daughters are treated and you are in a position to resolve that issue. I applaud you on the decision you have come to.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Google larrydavid
      Get that extra BJ everynight
      Oct 18, 2018
    • New jt&78
      Great Decision. Remember you are just not helping your in laws but your kids (future or present) grandparents. If you refuse to help and they find out about it, they will resent you life long especially when are you are financially able.
      Oct 24, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My wife’s job is not high paying. Not sure how long she can work. Her second pregnancy is coming soon.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple KGHP41
      Her pregnancy? JFC it’s your child too.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      That is why I am not asking her to earn but actually FIL is indirectly forcing her to earn. FIL is the real criminal here, not me. He enjoyed his days with two kids without any worry about retirement.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      Op did ur fil spend for her education? How much? If she didnt have that degree could you have married her? What about wedding expenses? Dowry? How much dowry and gifts he gave you? Be human and think that they didnt enjoy but invested in kids.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      On other note talk to ur bil and ask to share burden
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      No dowry. He spent max 10 lakhs total on marriage and education.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      Talk to bil and ask him to share some burden. U send 10k rs and he will give 10k rs. Of he doesnt agree then ask parents in law to sue him. And then u can give some and they can get some from him. Or ask them to keep him out of will.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Salesforce
      eye()

      Salesforce

      BIO
      I am blind to something and you are too.
      eye()more
      If he spent 10L on your marriage and her education, be a man and at least give back that much.
      If your wife is getting pregnant and cannot work that is your responsibility too.
      In short, you can't stop her from sending her family money.
      But I agree with the others that giving money may not be the most effective way to help- maybe paying down their house might!
      Oct 18, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
    I’m not Indian and let my mother in law move in with us rent free. She didn’t pay for groceries or anything. And we were happy to do it. As things became permanent she started paying some rent and groceries at her insistence. Her attitude was hat she wanted to help pull her weight - even if it was a little.

    Bottom line is it’s about attitude. Are the parents trying to pull their own weight and failing (hence needing help) or mismanaging what they have (in which case this is a bailout that they will squander)?
    Oct 13, 2018 5
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      What if they both squandered what they had AND can’t pull their own weight?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • @599 What if everyone in your office decide to kill you next week? Better bring a gun to work.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      I asked that to Am A Bot because it seems like OP is in that situation: FIL didn’t save shit and can’t seem to work. Can you clarify your comment?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      If they both squandered what they have then you don’t keep providing them money. You set up an arrangement where they live with you, etc and you still control the finances. You don’t want them dragging you down with them—but at the same time, they *are* family. My MIL is horrible with money which is why she had to sell her house to pay for medical expenses—and she has no retirement saved. So we let her live with us to reduce her expenses. It’s not a huge financial burden on us, and she helps out with the kids. She can mismanage her own money but she has the basics with us, food and shelter.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      ^ good job and good advice! Don’t send free money that they feel entitled to. Instead, offer basic necessities so they can get back on their feet.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Adobe Asdf47
    Guys go easy on him. Sometimes different story hidden behind which cannot be all put in words. He has not said he is unwilling to help. He is seeking advice and if he wrong in his thinking, explain it without hurting the person. We all have blind spots which we are unaware of.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Amazon Jfsh66
    OP, just assume that tables were turned and your wife earns more and won't let you help your parents? Get out of this ignorant behavior. You would come out as a much better person if you help out your in laws, they are your family too. I am Indian too and wouldn't hesitate if the need arises. Also, remember the advise others have said in this thread, it's just not worth your time to quarrel with your wife. Remember, 'happy wife, happy life'. 10 years down the lane, you would be the husband who was supportive to a spouse who wanted to help her parents. Appreciate the opportunity to help them out in need. Again, if you think their asks are unreasonable then you can take a stance on the limits.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Microsoft JNtU30
    This is Sick and I don't understand why are we going so selfish ... I am Indian and I m feeling sorry about this situation.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents earned and saved lot more than my FIL to give me the facilities for what I am today. It did not happen because of my FIL. On top of this, my parents aren’t asking anything from me now.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google jumboleio
      The key word here is now. You never know what tomorrow brings.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents have sacrificed a lot to plan for the future. Plus my dad has a guaranteed pension. I am ready for emergency expenses for my FIL but this is just bad fiscal behavior through out life by my FIL. That is what frustrates me.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      @nexcare, I understand your frustrations, I really do.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      He is right. Irresponsible people need to experience their punishment. Otherwise OP’s parents were fools to have secured their finances and not depend on kids for retirement? They would certainly be proven as fools economically if FIL is successful in extracting entitlement money. There’s no free lunch, don’t expect free money support.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • For fuck sake OP stop. Would your approach to the problem had been different if your wife woukd have been the only child or all her siblings would have been girl? I guess while you were looking out for alliance you made sure you don’t end up with this?

    I don’t know what your financial situation is so no advice here. I would just request you to be more humane while you make your decision on this matter.
    Oct 13, 2018 4
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      If my wife was the only child, my FIL would have planned for retirement I think. Also, my parents would have asked more about her parents’ finances before marriage. So mostly I would not have married her.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Booking.com XqBM21
      my eyes are bleeding when reading this... i know it’s culture, but what about emotions? love? is it just a contract for you? also dont you have your own ability to think that you’re actually comig here for strangers to tell you what to do?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      I have a point of view which I am not sure is right. So asking here.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Marriage is not love. Love fades after 2 years. It’s a partnership with contractual agreements. Better learn @XqBM21
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Juniper jBOW63
    The sister in law (your wife’s brother’s wife) that won’t let your wife’s brother spend on parents is the selfish one here folks. I’m sure the OP has good intentions but who we should focus on is the sister in law who should also be chipping in to her FIL too.
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Google jumboleio
      Two wrongs do not make one right.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      But one right can make the wrong get worse, unless you punish and fix first. Dumbass @jumboleio
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Microsoft Kaboom!
    Wow this is easily the nastiest thing I’ve read on blind. Here are a few facts OP
    1. What your wife earns is her money. She can do whatever she wants with it
    2. You can and should discuss finances with each other but as long as your household needs are met, what she does with the rest should be none of your business
    3. Parents are as much a daughter’s responsibility as they are a son’s
    4. $200 a month? Seriously dude? You work for Microsoft. I pay more than double that amount towards charity each month and my husband donates some more from his paycheck.
    5. Your attitude towards your wife’s parents shows what a selfish, cold hearted, greedy cheapskate you are

    Please don’t take someone to be your life partner if you cannot accept everything that is the part of the package - pluses and minuses.
    Oct 14, 2018 0
  • Intel AlbusD
    I feel sorry for your wife that she got you as a partner.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • New aLuu55
    Arranged marriage is such a backwards ass tradition...
    Oct 13, 2018 3
    • LinkedIn Zeiwkf5
      This happens in non arranged as well.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft richardhea
      It’s legalized rape.
      🍆
      Oct 13, 2018
    • LinkedIn Zeiwkf5
      I think a lot of times the participants have a say in an arranged marriage
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Google derpster
    Be careful if you decide to give. The problem is, it starts with little. Then they'll get used to it and ask for more. So have a clear conversation about how much you're willing to give. I understand it's your wife giving but since she doesn't earn much - it's basically you paying indirectly. If this is not something you want to put up with, you should again have a clear discussion with your wife and go your separate ways. It's absolutely ok.

    Don't listen to the clowns on here. Emotional blackmailing is a nice trick Indian relatives use to squeeze where they can. You work hard and every dollar that you give means a dollar less to spend on yourself and your dreams. They are not your parents and you shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense. Especially when you have no idea for how long you'll have to commit. 250 each month is not small money.

    Finally, did you/your family make them spend a lot on the marriage ? If yes, then it's only fair you now support them for draining their retirement funds.

    PS: in all of this, don't forget about your wife. If you have fallen in love with her and believe she's going to make a good life partner, then I think paying up might be worth it - think of this as something you're doing for her.
    Oct 13, 2018 4
    • Apple / Eng Serialized
      I totally agree with this. $250-$300 a month is not trivial over time.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple KGHP41
      OP can always cut them off if the money is being used for unreasonable expenses. Paying basic maintenance for her parents is essential for marital peace.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • LinkedIn Zeiwkf5
      Talk about it now and make a plan. If the in laws are terrible with money then $300/ month can just go down the tube and you’ll still be on the hook for actual emergencies.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Good advice @derpster. Don’t pay entitlement money to irresponsible folks.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Microsoft JNtU30
    In nutshell, this is great opportunity for you and you are at right spot. As you have shown unwillingness already but tell your wife that she is more valueable than money and you are ok helping FIL for unfortunate situation. Irrespective of your opposition she is gonna give. Have a bigger heart bro and support them in need, and win your wife's trust. My dad is no more but my FIL supported me in critical hopefully you will not face any such situation but ...
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      How did your FIL help? I see no need of his assistance now
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft JNtU30
      That's personal ... But I am surprised you are hesitent to spent 10$ a day to support your wife's parents. You might be intellectually smart but socially fool. I hope that too coming from money that is earned by your wife ... What you will do bro with all the money you earn, if your wife isn't happy ....
      Oct 13, 2018
  • New / Eng I’m bald
    Say you will give money but the other brother must contribute an equal amount. Put the blame on the other brother. That’s one screwed up son.
    Oct 13, 2018 1
    • Facebook Ut rh
      👍
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Facebook utGz11
    The money she earns belong to her, isn’t? What so wrong if she wants to give part of it for her parents - who are not anyway solvent enough to take care of it. Just because her brother doesn’t help his parents, can’t rationalize she has no duty to her parents.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Uber jhunt
    Everyone you have to understand OP here. Under Indian law unless the girl's parents write a will in her favor (which too, suckingly, can be contested), all assets of the girl's parents go to her brother. Assuming the girl's parents have some property which they don't want to liquidate, OP is correct in asking the question.

    Secondly, I have seen many families where the girl assumes that the guy spends his money on their lives, and if there is a leftover after considering savings target, it is maybe given to the guys parents. But she also assumes that her income is her right, and she gets to decide whether she uses it on shopping or whether she gives it to her parents.

    Let's not fucking criticize OP without understanding these kind of issues.
    Oct 13, 2018 11
    • Google WatsGoinOn
      Jhunt: if OPs wife cribs at he giving money to his parent then your argument is fair. If she doesn’t OP shouldn’t punish his wife for some other women being dumbucks.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Even if I give money to my parents my wife may not object because she knows that my parents are going to pass on property as inheritance. My FIL has nothing to pass on to us.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Uber jhunt
      I think then it's totally fair to pay for ILs expenses, even if they were much higher than quoted.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Didn’t get you
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intuit poirot
      Wow! That’s super mean and selfish! Sorry😐
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      Jhunt, you have it wrong. Please search online, a 2005 law was passed giving equal rights to girl child when it comes to parents property
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Bloomberg 699
      Fil has no house? Where does he live?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Uber jhunt
      And since then there have been many cases where it hasn't been implemented. Things get stuck in courts for decades.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      FIL is renting in a small town.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      Jhunt, so first you state a wrong law and then claim cases where this was not implemented. I call BS on you dude. Give me reference to judgements where courts didn’t honour the law and then we will talk
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Juniper Pliny Jr.
    OP: what's your TC? Do you work in the cafeteria at MS?...
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Nexcare
    OP
    Also, should I give it monthly or make it a one time thing like INR 10 Lakhs at once. Any pros or cons between these approaches?
    Oct 13, 2018 11
    • Google / Eng
      bostonaro

      Google Eng

      BIO
      Top Contributor or GTFO
      bostonaromore
      Do you trust them to manage a one time payment to cover their expenses for the rest of their lives? I wouldn't.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Yes now that I think about it, one time is more risky. But transferring monthly means more interaction with my wife about this every month which leads to more quarrel
      Oct 13, 2018
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      Why would it lead to more quarrel? Just set a limit of how much you two are willing to give and that’s that. Send it when you do your bills or whatever.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Paperless Post / Eng
      CashMeIn

      Paperless Post Eng

      PRE
      JPMorgan Chase
      BIO
      Not your average blind user
      CashMeInmore
      Dude agree on a pre-defined amount and put a recurring transfer on one of those apps. Why would you have to discuss this?

      Also, since you are helping, make sure they are just being very reasonable with how they spend the money. Food, shelter and medical. That's it.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      I might have to adjust based on exchange rate which brings that conversation to the forefront again
      Oct 13, 2018
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      Does the Rupee vs. Dollar value fluctuate that much? Maybe just consider it like another bill: swipe and move on.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Ok will do that. That’s better than transferring large amount at once and hoping that it does not get misused
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intel SiPirate
      I keep money in a NRE fixed deposit and send the interest to them. You don't have to remember every month sending that to them...
      Oct 13, 2018
    • ^ This. You will have your money for yourself and will be still supporting your fam.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Autodesk / Eng mcyn20
      I gave a lumpsum for my grandparents for them to use its interest for monthly expenses
      Oct 15, 2018
  • Symantec drthvader
    OP , what you are thinking is , You wife’s brother is cheating you by forcing to bear their expenses rather than taking care of them. Here the ego plays a big role and your parents might have told you not to support them. Listen to me and every Indian boys and girls go through this and every Indian parent think their son/ daughter are still need to grow up to handle financial situation. This is your chance to make the things straight. Your wife will be grateful to you forever.
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents say give whatever they ask but I am not satisfied. I feel I am being exploited.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Symantec drthvader
      I thought so that you are thinking being exploited. Think of it is an investment for your wife and your married life will be awesome.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Adobe Asdf47
    I understand your problem as I had been in similar but only worse. My BIL used my in laws to loot money from us through emotional blackmail and at one point we lost all our savings much much more than what’s described here. Problem here is not about helping parents but it’s about sharing the responsibility. We all love our family and want to think practically so that it is a win win situation. My short advice is deposit 20 lacks in bank and let the interest take care of them. Help them if they need more for medical emergency. In return if they have property or belongings, have an agreement that all this would be recovered back on inheritance. Have a legal binding. Problem solved. Everyone happy. If BIL not happy, have him share his responsibility. Have some consideration for them as well and if they are not in good financial condition. It’s after all your wife’s brother just like your brother. Sometimes we need to be practical than emotional. Don’t let your marriage ruin for external reasons
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Intel / Eng Diehard
    It’s not worth breaking the peace of your home for 250$. You have to overcome thinking about it. Think to make 250$ more a month. Personally if you are making 200k a year monthly 300$ should not worry you at all. Ultimately money if for happiness and if your wife is happy you should be happy.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Nexcare
    OP
    I want to thank all the people who responded. I was feeling tensed before starting this thread. Now I am feeling much better, even though I am not sure what I will do finally
    Oct 13, 2018 5
    • Bloomberg 699
      Set a lower limit and do it. Dont encourage this behavior. Get it straight with her and/or her parents that u will not encourage a penny more. But still do it. Be hard on outside so that they learn to be money wise. But again do it. If possible gey their will on your and wife's name as ur end of negotiation.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My wife says FIL is not asking but she wants to give. So I cannot talk to FIL. But I know that FIL talks about all the difficulties in his life everyday to make my wife pay out of sympathy.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Bloomberg 699
      Make ur wife do this negotiation then :) convince her. Little effort and negotiation on ur part now can restore peace and reduce overall financial burden on u too. In a long run, thru will or whatever. Make them think hard abt money, so they dont make poor choices again or take u for granted
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Bloomberg 699
      We all work hard here and dont want to be taken for a ride cos of anyone's poor financial choices. Nothing wrong with being straight now to avoid more future demands or emotional blackmail of any kind
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Bloomberg 699
      May be give only 150 or 200 dollar pm. Not cos u cant afford more. But to set a tone of strictness. Cos this behavior is not gud. U can help more later for medical emergency if needed if u want. I understand ur frustration bro!
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Microsoft mbLQ55
    I wouldn't give more than $1000 a year. And I just say a thousand as a way to bundle up what you would have given your in-laws as bday presents and Christmas gifts. If you are considering a more significant amount, make it a one-time investment to get them on their feet.
    Oct 13, 2018 3
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My dad gets pension and is well to do for middle class. Should I say that I will also give equal amount to my parents so that she also feels the pinch?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New EVlp62
      Yes, it should be fair
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intel crz
      Why so competitive? My husband never used to send money to his parents initially, I had to force him to start doing it. Apparently they said they didn't need it. We send 500$-1000$ month to each of our homes. My brother does the same. Since I'm not there to help them out with things at home this is the least I could do for them. Also think about the example you're setting for your kids. If it'll make their lives easier please don't hesitate to do this.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Gilead Sciences TC999
    Dude I am in same boat, I send 1K every other month and then some more. When I send money to my in laws I feel my money is getting put to best use possible, as their lifestyle is live by needs not by wants. And I can’t tell you how much respected I am .... and all the goodies that come with it.... from kitchen to bedroom.....
    Oct 14, 2018 0
  • Qubole zuuuuuum
    OP. Buy a rental property in same city where your in laws live. They maintain and take the rent. You keep the growing value of the property.
    Oct 14, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Netflixe
    Why do you have to air your shitty laundry on this app dude? It's as if Indians don't enough a bad rap in tech already. You cheap fuck
    Oct 14, 2018 0
  • New / Eng mbappe!
    Hey cheapo! 270$ is not much to complain about.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Microsoft / Eng
    JohnSnow🐲

    Microsoft Eng

    BIO
    Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
    JohnSnow🐲more
    Ever heard if you win a lottery don't tell your relatives. I guess they think that you make a lot of money and that's why think it's alright to ask for money.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • MapR Technologies !wangsu
    Nexcare, dont know if you will end up reading this. If you do, DM me. I may be able to help provide a perspective that may help you reach a decision
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Sent you a PM
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Juniper Pliny Jr.
      Spill it !Wangchung....and your TC to boot...or GTFO!!
      Oct 13, 2018
  • OP I have two words for you - F U!
    Oct 13, 2018 1
    • LinkedIn Zeiwkf5
      Disagree. Post marriage financial decisions should be taken together as a couple. There are different ways to handle this and there is no automatic obligation to hand over continuous supply of money to parents. It’s not like this is a one time emergency the parents face. This was known about a long time ago and not discussed so I totally see why OP would not feel great about it.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • AMD
    5nm

    AMD

    PRE
    Intel
    5nmmore
    I am not Indian and while all this “obligation” seems a bit bazaar to me, I can tell you this — $270 a month is cheaper than therapy and divorce. If $270 a month will put your marriage back together, then stop fighting about it let her help her family.
    Oct 14, 2018 0
  • Amazon Gjdyveycc4
    Ask her to give her share. Who the hell are you to control her what to do? Also this stupid mentality of boys only should be taking cars of parents is mediocre and bullshit.
    Oct 14, 2018 0
  • Apple Fr@ctal
    Nexcare, she’s your wife, you are in this together. Forget about her brother caring for her parents or not. You can’t control someone else’s actions and as long as he is not actively hurting them or you, let his life be his life. Now when it comes to you and your wife, think about your finances, what would you need to sacrifice if you were to send some money to her FIL. What are the other implications, would your parents ask for pension too if they found out about this ? What other expenses do you anticipate in future (their medical care ? Your home ? Kids education ?) Then decide what’s comfortable for the both of you. Remember, when you’re hurt, she’ll be the one taking care of you. If she feels too strongly about this, then don’t let her down when she needs help
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Microsoft James Dean
    If you can afford to help, then be generous. Step up and be a good son in law. Honestly, life is too short to be penny pinching when both you and your wife earn.
    Oct 13, 2018 0

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