Wife’s parents are asking for money. What to do?

Microsoft Nexcare
Oct 13, 2018 280 Comments

Indian arranged marriage case. Both me and my wife earn. Wife is in a temp job, not much earnings. Wife has a brother whose wife is not letting him spend on parents. While marrying me and my parents thought that since wife has brother, he will take care of her parents. So didn’t bother to ask much about her parents’ finances. Turns out my FIL does not have much saved for retirement. So now FIL is asking for money from my wife as my wife earns. I am feeling frustrated but my wife wants to give a monthly pension kind of a thing to her parents. We were happy before this but now there are a lot of quarrels between us because of this. How should I handle this scenario?

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TOP 280 Comments
  • Monthly is a bit much? How much a month?
    Oct 13, 2018 46
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Stfu idiot - I understand life has risks. But if your attitude is such that you believe your kids or your daughter’s husband is your only 401k strategy and you splurge your paycheck with that belief, then you don’t deserve compassion. You need to be told you had an irresponsible life, anything you get from them now is a generous donation - be thankful and not resentful.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Intel goldenyrs
      Not sure what your point here is. OP never said that his FIL was careless and didn't plan for his retirement. Or that his FIL is resentful and not thankful for any help he receives. OP is concerned about his wife helping her father out. Thanks for your presumptuous inputs, baboon.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Such hostility. The OP asked a question, and we’re addressing / answering the question. If you want to hear your own voice echo, then just don’t ask.
      The OP’s mind seems set. No point in discussing.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      OP clearly said that the FIL is emotionally blackmailing his wife into feeling obliged to pay. There’s entitlement there, not gratefulness and thankfulness. There’s resentment. I repeat what I said: I understand life has risks. But if your attitude is such that you believe your kids or your daughter’s husband is your only 401k strategy and you splurge your paycheck with that belief, then you don’t deserve compassion. You need to be told you had an irresponsible life, anything you get from them now is a generous donation - be thankful and not resentful.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Intel goldenyrs
      The blackmail detail is not apparent from the post description itself - I might have missed some other comments where he's provided more description.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Facebook WhoAmEye
    Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up
    Oct 13, 2018 1
    • Microsoft Aieht
      How can you suggest deleting FB to one of your customers?
      Oct 13, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Facebook Ut rh
      “He assumed that son will take care.” Wtf?!?

      OP has NO obligations to pay in laws or his parents. None. Stfu. If he does pay, it should be considered a gift or an interest-free loan with gratitude (in return they could make provisions in their will for their home).

      Those parents had an obligation to plan for their lives before having kids. Your kid is not a 401k or a social security scheme, DUMBASS. Stop propagating that disgusting expectation. Promote individual responsibility for EVERYONE. It will lead to a better society, fewer quarrels, and more successful life.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon whatever2
      Is your wife Okey with you giving a good chunk to your parents?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      She may be ok but my parents will not take. They have more than enough. We have not discussed that situation
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New / Eng yfYI75
      Empathy is what you need OP. Have you ever sit down and let your wife share how hard her parents have sacrified for their children's success.

      Now you are whining about your fucking weath and education over her own happiness????

      You should change your perspective about life, my friend.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      ^ stupid advice.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Goes on to prove that Microsoft has a low hiring bar and maximum number of jerks on Blind come from Microsoft. I feel so sorry that the girl married a nasty ass***le like OP.
    Oct 13, 2018 13
    • Don't listen to people here there is no such thing as free lunch. You don't owe anything to parents they owe everything to you because they brought you in this world. I'm shocked by the responses here.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      Op - again brother is different than parents. Parents are responsibility. If you will respect her responsibility she will respect urs. If you go for divorce even attorneys will cost life time of money i guess
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Netflixe
      Venom fuck off with your msft hating bullshit dude. What does this even have anything remotely to fo with Ms? Your dumb is the one at EMC. And you're a fucking TPM, shit yo ass up nigha
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook / Eng
      vBiW66

      Facebook Eng

      PRE
      Facebook
      BIO
      Move fast
      vBiW66more
      Major altercation with Wife (Relationships)
      https://us.teamblind.com/s/5kzUhWBq
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Microsoft Netflixe
      Lol what a clown this guy is .
      Oct 14, 2018
  • New EVlp62
    I give money monthly to my parents and FIL parents. Pretty common for foreigners. $1000 each. Best advice is just give... i am not Indian though. Wife doesn't work, also
    Oct 13, 2018 13
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Again, irresponsible. They don’t realize that not having food on a table shapes a bad environment for the child, who learns bad beliefs, habits and emotional unrest. When you don’t not have basic necessities, you endure emotional trauma and suffering. That education is not worth the sacrifice, it’s a flawed belief.

      Put food on the table, get a shelter, home school your kids if you have to, then when you have enough upgrade their education. You can live on a farm land with no money and grow everything you need and still raise kids to be happy, have the right attitude, be confident and self sufficient and successful in life. Give them a real education on life, not a phony traumatized, debt ridden college education for which they are forever indebted to their parents. Sigh.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Wells Fargo qUyB01
      I think our beliefs are shaped by our upbringing. If you were brought up in the US maybe “debt ridden college education” rings true, it’s not necessarily the case elsewhere
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      Sure, I realised at an early age how important food was (so I cringe when people waste food here). I don’t think that is necessarily bad. Besides home schooling doesn’t even come close to how fast paced the academic curriculum at schools is and how much I picked up there. Also the kids who came to my school were better examples for me than the kids in my neighbourhood. So from among the 20 friends in my neighbourhood I’d say 2 (including me) are well off and few years away from financial independence. I can’t tell if my neighbourhood friends back there are happy, but I am, and whenever I visit, only 3 of them seem happy (even though their WLB is crazy, they’ve accepted it as a norm). Funny thing though is that two of my dads cousins decided to go the farming and home schooling route. Their kids (same age as me now) are still living in the village where there’s not even proper sanitation, are always in between jobs (switching between cab driving to a security guard to probably an insurance agent recently), the better jobs being in cities means they have to stay away from their families and farming doesn’t produce enough money to feed the entire family now.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      “the kids who came to my school were better examples “ that’s because your parents didn’t set a good example. You could’ve learned a lot from responsible parents.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Apple Fr@ctal
      Dude, you’re missing the context in there. That was comparing the kids in school to the ones in neighbourhood. Not everything you learn in life is from parents, you learn from your friends too. Anyways, I don’t think we are getting anywhere with this. I guess us coming to an agreement here is not a big deal (no one gets hurt), so peace out✌🏼
      Oct 15, 2018
  • Airbnb / Eng RealHudson
    Lesson: don’t do arranged marriages.
    Oct 13, 2018 7
    • Ok well then don’t marry someone that has a family who becomes a financial burden. They didn’t plan their life well. Not the new husbands 💰 problem.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Booking.com XqBM21
      I would never ask my potential spouse about their parents financials... it’s a cultural thing i guess... and would never make a decision based on that, unless it’s something very extreem... also thinking from another perspective, ok the guy doesn’t agree on the money and let’s say they divorce, i wonder what would another woman feel about such a reason for a divorse? for me
      personally it would be a red light...
      Oct 13, 2018
    • LinkedIn Zeiwkf5
      I think it’s important to discuss finances beforehand. Just so there are not surprises like this.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple / Eng Serialized
      This is obviously the problem. I would never choose to marry someone who’s family is not financially stable. It’s one of many reasons why you date someone before getting married, to get a feel for what being married to the person is like and to figure out what your future with that person looks like, including financially.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      Or get a prenup, regardless of type of marriage. Not worth the risk otherwise.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • OP is a greedy and nasty person. Your wife should support her parents just like any child should. OP is greedy and thinks his wife's earnings are his own. Shame
    Oct 13, 2018 9
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      CashMeIn you are really scared of your wife, you will do anything to keep the peace. However know that peace can't be bought.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon Sev -1
      What a dick! Losing shit over 300 dollars a month.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      How many $300 per month you can afford? I have 10s of people ready to take my money, I can direct them your way.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon Sev -1
      Do you have 10s father in law?
      Oct 17, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      JohnSnow🐲

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Cholesterol was little high, but still fine. Could shed a few pounds.
      JohnSnow🐲more
      I have 10s of immediate relatives who would tell me the same story, fortunately my in-laws are well to do.
      Oct 17, 2018
  • Oracle / Eng HitU40
    I sent $500 every month for my mom and dad for last 5 years and now I lost both of them . Don’t be stupid life is too short, spent money for your parents and your in-law parents if they are in need .
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Salesforce beniofella
      I'm sorry for your loss. :( RIP
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Intel crz
      Sorry for you loss :(
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Microsoft JNtU30
    That's even more bullshit. You are not willing to support them in medical emergency, you are such an idiot. Go and f**k with your earned money .... Why am I spending time here ...
    Oct 13, 2018 6
    • New aLuu55
      You are just making up one excuse after another about what MIGHT happen. You are being totally selfish. I bet you are the type of person who doesn’t tip in restaurants.

      I was in a similar situation, my partner’s parents needed money to help every month, and I helped them out with $350 a month. It’s not that much money and it will make your wife a lot happier, and will help family.

      Don’t be a selfish prick. Do it.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Was it a one time thing? I can understand one time expenses but this is till end of life.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      It wasn’t a one time thing, lasted for about 2 years until the parent passed away.

      Just because you give them money doesn’t mean you give them direct access to your bank account. If at a future time they want more money, you can say no then. You aren’t promising them a life time of free money. Stop being selfish and make your wife happy.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      And if you don’t do it, your wife will deeply resent you for being a cheap bastard. Sorry to be blunt but it’s true.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple KGHP41
      So what? If her brother doesn’t help out, he is a shitty human being. I hope you don’t ever find yourself out of money and wanting to care for a loved one. Don’t treat your wife like a subhuman. You will regret it.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Qualcomm life345
    Give man.. your wife will thank you for life.. trust me she will not forget
    Oct 13, 2018 10
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents are older than her parents but are much more financially sound.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google WatsGoinOn
      Hers aren’t. Why do you want to put her in a situation where she has to choose between her parents and you?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      FIL is the one doing that by not planning his retirement, not me
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google WatsGoinOn
      I understand you didn’t choose the circumstances. But they are what they are now and you can decide to either support her now or go through a messy divorce. I have a very close friend who went through an expensive messy divorce for this exact reason.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      OP: sit your wife down and analyze your monthly joint expenses on common things like groceries, mortgage, insurance etc. Then split that in half - make sure she understands that one half needs to come from her pay check. Then she’s free to donate the remainder of her money to her parents. If she’s not able to, sorry it means she’s asking a donation from you. Irresponsible.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • New aLuu55
    Seriously, $250-300 a month....? To make your wife happy and help family...? How selfish can you be...?
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      I am also worried that it will climb up from that amount as they age and need to spend on health care.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • New aLuu55
      But that hasn’t happened yet. And if it ever does, you can simply say no more since you are already helping.

      That’s a poor excuse. You are being selfish. If it was some random stranger that would be one thing, but this is your wife and her family.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • Google / Eng
    bostonaro

    Google Eng

    BIO
    Top Contributor or GTFO
    bostonaromore
    I'm not Indian and I'm giving the entire rent of a property I own overseas to my mother-in-law because she made terrible financial decisions late in life and can't afford retirement now. It is about $1500 per month and it is a very low price to keep my piece of mind.

    A word of wisdom: stop being so cheap. It will save you money in the long run.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Apple KGHP41
    The thing about marriage is, you have to share assets and debts. Sharing your income for your wife’s parents’ maintenance will go a long way cementing the bond you have with your LIFE PARTNER. Think if the roles were reversed, how would you want your wife to treat you and behave accordingly. You will have your answer.

    PS: Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she has any less responsibility towards her parents. You make her feel shitty about taking care of her aging parents, I guarantee you that your marriage will be an unhappy one. Dig yourself out of the regressive shithole and stop giving Indian men a bad name.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • Oracle / Eng Saying
    In India we have shifty culture where it's ok for men to take care of their parents even after marriage but we women can't. This is something to do with the society in general. I hate that I was born in such a shorty country where no mater how much a female is earning, she has to follow what her in-laws says.
    Oct 13, 2018 2
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      Who says she has to follow what her in-laws say if she’s financially independent?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft kLTH12
      I agree with that ^ it’s also women’s responsibility to defy such expectations. They were formed in an era when women were ‘dependents’ on their husbands - for a lot of reasons, being denied education, treated secondary to brothers, considered ‘paraya dhaan’ - all those days are gone. Atleast for many.
      If your in-laws have any expectations of you favoring them over your parents, then it’s your responsibility to stand up and say no. Coz this needs to end before our daughters start seeing the world.
      Oct 13, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Microsoft Ep
      Op did ur fil spend for her education? How much? If she didnt have that degree could you have married her? What about wedding expenses? Dowry? How much dowry and gifts he gave you? Be human and think that they didnt enjoy but invested in kids.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      On other note talk to ur bil and ask to share burden
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      No dowry. He spent max 10 lakhs total on marriage and education.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Ep
      Talk to bil and ask him to share some burden. U send 10k rs and he will give 10k rs. Of he doesnt agree then ask parents in law to sue him. And then u can give some and they can get some from him. Or ask them to keep him out of will.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Salesforce
      eye()

      Salesforce

      BIO
      I am blind to something and you are too.
      eye()more
      If he spent 10L on your marriage and her education, be a man and at least give back that much.
      If your wife is getting pregnant and cannot work that is your responsibility too.
      In short, you can't stop her from sending her family money.
      But I agree with the others that giving money may not be the most effective way to help- maybe paying down their house might!
      Oct 18, 2018
  • Microsoft Nexcare
    OP
    Thank you all for your responses. Each of these helped me a lot. For now, I am leaning towards paying the “peace tax” of $270 each month and re-evaluate if circumstances change. I am hoping my wife becomes nicer with me after this.
    Oct 14, 2018 5
    • New aLuu55
      Great decision. Good luck bud
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      Thank you
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Amazon Jfsh66
      Also, talk to your wife and tell her that respect her decision to help her parents but also set some limits, do convey to her that you appreciate her helping her parents out and that is a very nice thing to do. Also talk to your in laws and make sure that you are helping them out willingly and give them assurances. That goes a long way in keeping their confidence high and also that they feel that they found an awesome son in law who is better than their son and who will actually be a great husband to their daughter. As Indian parents of a girl child, their biggest worry in life is how their daughters are treated and you are in a position to resolve that issue. I applaud you on the decision you have come to.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Google larrydavid
      Get that extra BJ everynight
      Oct 18, 2018
    • New jt&78
      Great Decision. Remember you are just not helping your in laws but your kids (future or present) grandparents. If you refuse to help and they find out about it, they will resent you life long especially when are you are financially able.
      Oct 24, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
    I’m not Indian and let my mother in law move in with us rent free. She didn’t pay for groceries or anything. And we were happy to do it. As things became permanent she started paying some rent and groceries at her insistence. Her attitude was hat she wanted to help pull her weight - even if it was a little.

    Bottom line is it’s about attitude. Are the parents trying to pull their own weight and failing (hence needing help) or mismanaging what they have (in which case this is a bailout that they will squander)?
    Oct 13, 2018 5
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      What if they both squandered what they had AND can’t pull their own weight?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • @599 What if everyone in your office decide to kill you next week? Better bring a gun to work.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      I asked that to Am A Bot because it seems like OP is in that situation: FIL didn’t save shit and can’t seem to work. Can you clarify your comment?
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      If they both squandered what they have then you don’t keep providing them money. You set up an arrangement where they live with you, etc and you still control the finances. You don’t want them dragging you down with them—but at the same time, they *are* family. My MIL is horrible with money which is why she had to sell her house to pay for medical expenses—and she has no retirement saved. So we let her live with us to reduce her expenses. It’s not a huge financial burden on us, and she helps out with the kids. She can mismanage her own money but she has the basics with us, food and shelter.
      Oct 14, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      ^ good job and good advice! Don’t send free money that they feel entitled to. Instead, offer basic necessities so they can get back on their feet.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Adobe Asdf47
    Guys go easy on him. Sometimes different story hidden behind which cannot be all put in words. He has not said he is unwilling to help. He is seeking advice and if he wrong in his thinking, explain it without hurting the person. We all have blind spots which we are unaware of.
    Oct 13, 2018 0
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents earned and saved lot more than my FIL to give me the facilities for what I am today. It did not happen because of my FIL. On top of this, my parents aren’t asking anything from me now.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Google jumboleio
      The key word here is now. You never know what tomorrow brings.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Nexcare
      OP
      My parents have sacrificed a lot to plan for the future. Plus my dad has a guaranteed pension. I am ready for emergency expenses for my FIL but this is just bad fiscal behavior through out life by my FIL. That is what frustrates me.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • State Farm / Eng 599
      @nexcare, I understand your frustrations, I really do.
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Facebook Ut rh
      He is right. Irresponsible people need to experience their punishment. Otherwise OP’s parents were fools to have secured their finances and not depend on kids for retirement? They would certainly be proven as fools economically if FIL is successful in extracting entitlement money. There’s no free lunch, don’t expect free money support.
      Oct 14, 2018
  • Amazon Jfsh66
    OP, just assume that tables were turned and your wife earns more and won't let you help your parents? Get out of this ignorant behavior. You would come out as a much better person if you help out your in laws, they are your family too. I am Indian too and wouldn't hesitate if the need arises. Also, remember the advise others have said in this thread, it's just not worth your time to quarrel with your wife. Remember, 'happy wife, happy life'. 10 years down the lane, you would be the husband who was supportive to a spouse who wanted to help her parents. Appreciate the opportunity to help them out in need. Again, if you think their asks are unreasonable then you can take a stance on the limits.
    Oct 13, 2018 0