- wake up at 8 AM and throw on one of your 3 collared shirts after sniffing the armpit to make sure it’s clean. Put on same pair of khakis that haven’t been washed since the last time you went home for the holidays and had your mom do your laundry - walk 15 minutes to the subway and begin sweating profusely in the station (you can’t afford to live close to the station on JPMC’s dime) - Stare at the floor on the train as somebody walks through the doors of the adjacent train car and performs their objectively terrible rendition of “The Way You Make Me Feel” by Michael Jackson for tips. - show up to the office at 8:45 and with Starbucks in hand because the “good” coffee machine still makes coffee that tastes like cat urine - Check your calendar and see your day is entirely full of meetings with 0 time for development. That’s okay! Nobody else in the team gets anything done anyway. - Do all of your actual coding work for the day between now and the 9 AM stand up call - Join 9 am stand up intentionally 2 minutes late for the 15 minute meeting (long enough that they get annoyed, short enough that they can’t say anything) - when asked for your update at stand up, babble using names of software and MBA BS buzzwords for 30 seconds like a mechanic explaining to a single mom why her repairs are going to cost $10000 more than expected. Your scrum master, who has a business degree from DeVry and no technical experience, asks if an extra ticket needs to be put in backlog (bonus: Try making up some technical terms and see if he catches it. Most of the time, he will pretend like he understands) - immediately turn camera and sound off when done with update - once the meeting is complete, go to the kitchen and grab a single nature valley oats and honey bar from the vending machine to dip in your $6 Starbucks coffee. Only $4 for the bar? What a deal! (This will make you late for your next meeting) - Listen to your boss debase himself in next team meeting, as he doesn’t actually know what any of the words he’s saying mean. - ask a clarifying question about the crux his rant where he demonstrates fundamental misunderstanding of how basic technical and statistical concepts work. He justifies his diatribe by saying he “went to Stanford”. - You recheck LinkedIn while still on zoom to confirm he actually has an economics degree from City College and a certificate of attendance for a paid weekend seminar at Stanford Business School. - Check your email mid-meeting to find out that your boss actually got promoted from ED to MD due to his technical excellence relative to the rest of the project leadership team - Go sound off, camera off for the remainder of the days meetings - Review a colleagues PR at the end of this meeting. Explain to them that committing their exposed password directly to develop is probably not the best idea. “Needs Work” - Take 15 minutes to inhale 2 slices of pizza with your least annoying coworker. Make plans for happy hour - Now it’s time to interview a candidate curated for you by the the firms elite technical recruiting team. Today’s candidate has an English degree from Sarah Lawrence and thinks the position of Data Engineer involves only using excel (a nice to have if you know vlookups and pivot tables) - Move the candidate the the offer phase, as your boss believes they are the strongest technically in the pipeline - Another meeting with the boss man. Why, you ask? Well it’s because he learned about some really cool motivational techniques at his Stanford Business School seminar and wants to try them out. - Hold in your laughter as your boss unironically uses the phrase “leveraging synergies” in a sentence - Leave work promptly at 5 for happy hour. Tell yourself you’re finally gonna talk to a girl (you won’t) - Use happy hour as the opportunity to complain about the company and pay. Talk about interviewing other places, but you keep getting rejected since the time that should spent practicing leetcode is spent at happy hour. - coworker invites you to his montauk house group for next summer. It’s a bit awkward since he’ll be 39 by then, but at least you get to go to the Hamptons. - listen to coworker casually mention that he is a 7 handicap. Remember the time you played golf with him and watched him hit 0 fairways and give himself 20 foot triple bogey putts. - wake up the next morning unsure how you got home to find your khakis covered in vomit - wipe the vomit off of the khakis, but you can’t wash them. They’re your only pair and it’s 8 AM You now have to leave again and repeat the cycle
Sounds better than working manufacturing working a 630 to 5 and living in the middle of nowhere. No OT also
I think you’re the first butter churner I’ve ever seen on blind
The churn rate is pretty high here too.
Lmao this is hilarious, you should make a blog post or something, the writing style is funny
If you ever write a book, I’ll buy!
Forgot to mention all the Asians at work, obv you haven’t realized your bonus by year end is about $2000, go get some nice halal guys.
The bonus part is true and why I can’t afford to live closer to the subway!
I should also mention that I’m told that I’m getting a $2000 bonus because of what an excellent job I’ve done when the team hasn’t had a release in 2 years
As your scrum master I always knew you were late on purpose This is going in your file
Don’t think that I didn’t notice how you didn’t attend the international women’s day town hall zoom meeting. I think we now understand the mutually assured destruction involved here. I’m docking you another minute. See you at 9:03 tomorrow!
Fkin hilarious. "Leveraging synergies" lmao
Way too long but hilarious