Guys, I need help. I'm female, 33, TC 350k. I've been in a relationship with this man I completely love for around 4.5 years. I'm in SF and he lives on the east coast, is completing his PhD as of end 2019 in mathematics. The topic of marriage has come up and we are running against a wall. He wants to apply for faculty positions and is willing to go through as many post doctorates to make that work. In the process of this, he wants to keep his options open to US, Canada, Europe and India. He is saying that, if you want stability or be with me, you need to be prepared to scale down your career. He says that he has no choice given his academic ambitions, and he is not going to be willing to be made to feel guilty for messing up my career, he absolutely wants children and that if I have to marry him, I need to be prepared to scale back my ambitions if it means that he finds tenure track in a small town with no tech growth. I on the other hand, have worked really hard to get to where I am. I've worked at 3 early stage startups, two of which got acquired, am currently at Amazon. I'm based in SF. Honestly, I don't think tech is worth it outside of SF, Seattle and NYC, and if you extend internationally, maybe London. But honestly, outside of these places, I'm not hopeful. I feel anger that he's asking this kind of one sided sacrifice from me. I told him, for us to be happy, we both need to feel self actualized. If I sacrifice in the initial stages, I'm doing to need you to return the favor later in even if it means not being in academia for a while. We both need to have our chance at success. He goes like, I can't promise to that. I told him, then let's keep kids as optional, and consider it if our careers can converge to a location. He's like, he is not willing to sacrifice having birth children. We've been fiercely arguing last few months. He's made it damn clear that if I have to marry him I need to take on the burden of moving to make things work. I also suggested that why not we wait a couple of years to marry. He's against this as well. He's like it better happen now, if we don't marry in 2019 it's not happening. I can't wait longer. He claims to love me and says he cannot live without me. Asking the blind community for help. Will add more details as needed.
He sounds toxic. Sometimes it takes a long time (4.5+ years) for someone’s selfishness and toxicity to show. One “compromise” (I say this in quotes because it would actually be you sacrificing) is to work remotely. But if you two are on different pages with kids, this isn’t going to be a happy life. One of you, or both, will be resentful.
We both want kids. But I just don't want to bring them into an environment with long distance parents. I'm little concerned about career growth working remotely. I'm a very ambitious person and need the adrenaline gush of success, pushing new products out, leading teams etc. Not sure if a remote job beyond few years will be sustainable for mental health 😰
Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense. It’s like he just wants kids to have them, versus actually caring about being a father to them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
If you worked so hard for your career then it's very important to you and you will not be happy if you make the sacrifice now. It will cause more arguments, dissatisfaction and fights. Sometimes just love is not enough. If you both don't have similar goals and he is not ready to do the same sacrifice for you then maybe his love is also not equal. You need to make a choice you can be happy with.
You should break up. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for him? Resentment is amazing recipe for divorce. He is being selfish. There are plenty of academic places in California and west coast. If he can’t make it, he should evaluate his own skills and ambitions. Everyone says they want be Elon Musk. He won’t be able to support a family on academic pay. Blind makes fun of TC less than 100k. Wait until the reality hits that TC for academia is like 60k in most places and less for new faculties. Post docs barely make 30k. Break up. You can do better. Either that or ask for a complete remote job.
Break up is sure to happen with this guy, it’s just the matter of now with short term pain as you’re on high of your career or later with commitments like kids and not great job offers as you took a break from growing your career... I would say do it now
Sounds like he wants to be making more than you
Age is badly against you for kids. Pregnancy risks increase exponentially once you are past 35. So this may be why your boyfriend wants you to have kids earlier. But you can still insist on just having one kid now. Second kid is a lot easier even if at 40. Ask him to try faculty positions in your preferred areas first. If he is willing to try his best there then that is a good start and commitment
Break up and find a dude in SF
Timing of kids and limiting the risks of having kids over 35 can be planned by freezing your eggs.
People in academia sometimes have very narrow perspectives on what they want with their careers. Some of them look down on industry work - some of it is just because of peer pressure. My advice is - wait till he graduates and then see what his perspectives are then. You have a good career and high TC - don't give that up. We don't know what the economy looks like in 6 months, so be cautious of losing what you have now.
His great ambition is to get tenure in a small town? Dump him. His ambitions aren't big enough to justify his ego.
I'd like to correct one misconception of yours: there's plenty of places with a lot of tech besides the cities you've mentioned. Sure, you'll have fewer choices, but you can still have a great career on other places. If he drags you to some hell-hole with no tech at all that's a different thing, but to me relocating to an amazon branch at some non-tech-hub AND having a family with the man you love sounds like a pretty good choice.
If I want to stay at Amazon for the rest of my life :(
Yes, then you can have dates at banana stand.
Trust me... tech won’t be worth even in SF in 6 months time.. the party is over.. take long term perspective..
What makes you think the party is over?
Whatt? Sales dood/gal has no idea what he/she is saying!