Dealing with relationship situation
I need help.
I'm female, 33, TC 350k.
I've been in a relationship with this man I completely love for around 4.5 years. I'm in SF and he lives on the east coast, is completing his PhD as of end 2019 in mathematics. The topic of marriage has come up and we are running against a wall.
He wants to apply for faculty positions and is willing to go through as many post doctorates to make that work. In the process of this, he wants to keep his options open to US, Canada, Europe and India. He is saying that, if you want stability or be with me, you need to be prepared to scale down your career. He says that he has no choice given his academic ambitions, and he is not going to be willing to be made to feel guilty for messing up my career, he absolutely wants children and that if I have to marry him, I need to be prepared to scale back my ambitions if it means that he finds tenure track in a small town with no tech growth.
I on the other hand, have worked really hard to get to where I am. I've worked at 3 early stage startups, two of which got acquired, am currently at Amazon. I'm based in SF. Honestly, I don't think tech is worth it outside of SF, Seattle and NYC, and if you extend internationally, maybe London. But honestly, outside of these places, I'm not hopeful. I feel anger that he's asking this kind of one sided sacrifice from me.
I told him, for us to be happy, we both need to feel self actualized. If I sacrifice in the initial stages, I'm doing to need you to return the favor later in even if it means not being in academia for a while. We both need to have our chance at success. He goes like, I can't promise to that. I told him, then let's keep kids as optional, and consider it if our careers can converge to a location. He's like, he is not willing to sacrifice having birth children.
We've been fiercely arguing last few months. He's made it damn clear that if I have to marry him I need to take on the burden of moving to make things work.
I also suggested that why not we wait a couple of years to marry. He's against this as well. He's like it better happen now, if we don't marry in 2019 it's not happening. I can't wait longer.
He claims to love me and says he cannot live without me. Asking the blind community for help. Will add more details as needed.