Feeling stuck in my marriage
I don’t know if this is because of the pandemic or in general but, I kind of feel like I am stuck with my partner. I got married to him 6 months ago and we were dating for a year and a half before that. I feel like he isn’t ready for the responsibilities of marriage. Couple of reasons for my frustrations :: Financial maturity: me and my partner are almost of the same age and are in our late 20’s. We have only a couple of year before we can start a family buy a house etc. I make about $25 grand a year more than my husband. We already have 3 cars, he owns one suv I lease my suv and he has a lease on a sports car which expires soon. To lease this car he picked up a personal loan to make the down payment before the lease started. Now as the lease is finally coming to an end he is thinking of buying a bike as soon as he pays off the loan on he took for the down payment of the sports car. Mind you he has saving of $8 grand and he thinks that’s enough. He recently got laid off from his job and I took financial responsibility of the house , I wonder what would happen if we were in opposite scenarios and he had to take full responsibility for the house I don’t think we would survive. When ever we go shopping I mostly end up paying for groceries etc 2. Attitude: so before I married him I made it amply clear to him that I didn’t want to keep working once we starts family he agreed at that time but currently the way he is acting doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to do that. I feel like there is no stability in the USA if you don’t have a greencard and both our green cards are not filed , I suggested we move to Canada but he refuses the idea saying he cannot work for the automotive industry there and that’s what he wants to do. Since we are working from home now I kind of see his workday and I am surprised to see him sleeping in the afternoons sometimes I wonder if someone is soo passionate about their industry how can they be so lax about their work? 3 I know I might sound like a gold digger because of this point but please try to understand the emotion. When he proposed to me he gave a me a watch instead of a ring, while he orders special edition glares for himself and wears expensive perfumes etc this is not about a ring I can buy myself one it’s about the feeling you get when someone does something for you. Even after 6 months he exhibits this weird attitude where he never wants to spend any money on me at all and really it never comes to it because by god grace I’ve been fortunate enough to fend for my own needs and wants. But I kind of see this stark attitude for eg; (this is a very stupid example) we both wanted to buy sneakers and he decided to buy himself sneakers from Aldo and said he’ll gift me sneakers so we went out to get mine and he took me to Nordstrom rack and bought me a pair of sneakers which weren’t the best quality. I am glad he’s atleast making an effort to make me feel special but I still feel like he will never put me before himself while I do that all the time. He will never make a meal for himself or for me because he cannot cook . He will leave his dirty dishes on our coffee table and not even throw our boxes from amazon that come in. If he makes a sandwich for himself he will leave the kitchen a mess and if I ever point it out to him he will have an excuse ready, he will leave his clothes on in our living room and in general not help out at all. There have been times when I’ve worked the whole day and I am super tired and I am cleaning the kitchen or cooking while he sits and plays a video game on the couch , he won’t even offer to help me. All in all I feel very weird in this marriage maybe I am pampered and used to being treated too well but I am feeling down and low. Sometimes I feel like just booking a ticket and going home to India without telling anyone. Also at the back of my mind whenever any of my friends husbands and boyfriends do something nice for them I kind of get very disappointed with my life. I am second guessing my decision to marry him :( On the flip side he will cry and create a scene about how much he loves me and stuff if I try to bring up any of these issues with him. I’m I overreacting or is this a bad marriage for real and if yes is there any room for improvement or should I just call it off? #marriage #dating #relationships
Yikes. 6 months and it’s already like this. Cut your losses and leave. It sounds mentally exhausting to deal with him.
I don’t know how my parents or his parents will react and what can I give as a reason for the divorce pretty sure he’s not cheating and nor am I he’s not physically abused me , I think those are the only two legit reasons my parents will accept also in front of people even in front of parents he acts like an ideal person to be with so if I tell anyone this no one will believe me
Who cares what they think. They are not the ones who are married and feel stuck to him!
Here’s the answer 90% of Blinders give for any relationship problem: 1. Divorce if you’re married. 2. Dump him if you’re just in a relationship. Combined EQ of the people on this forum is less than that of a herd of baboons.
That’s true. Laziness coupled with herd mentality will kill us all. Literally.
Well said @6Feet
I think there’s two sides to every story. I’m not saying anyone is right yet. Just need more information before jumping to any major decisions. What are some positive and not so positive things about you? How would he describe you? What would he say are your good and bad habits?
Bad things would be that I could be moody and distant sometimes when I am mad at him I find confrontation very difficult. I don’t really get along with his mom. I don’t like to be told what to do or rather I don’t like enforcement of any kind. From post above as you can see... I maybe like to be pampered a little bit and I am used to it. ... good things would be probably that in most situations I take it with a pinch of salt and laugh it off.I try to be very supportive and understanding through trying times.
Here’s what I would suggest. Get good at effective confrontation. I think there’s an acronym for that which I can’t remember. Dm me and I’ll find it but it gives a good sense on how to deal with situations like this or any other confrontational scenarios. But what I feel is become really good at communicating clearly and specifically and proactively. I don’t think there’s anything major wrong yet. People are creatures of habit. Small habit changes over time and you’ll find a totally different person. Be really open and upfront about your feelings.
Staying in marriage or walking away is your call. But don't have children with this guy for few years. Get to know him more, only if he is responsible financially and takes care of you only then have children with him. Otherwise your life will be hell. Girl, who marries a guy proposing with a watch instead of ring? You were blind.
I thought he might just have not understood the significance of it. PS: 6 months into marriage and I still don’t have a ring he’s still not made me one.
You are stuck with a lallu. Wait you are already married. Pandemic also might be making it worse. See how it goes in next 6 months to 1 year. Though I agree with him about not moving to Canada.
It sounds like you two haven’t communicated much at all. Have you say him down to tell him what you told us here?
I’ve tried it always ends up with him crying and saying please don’t leave me and go
In that case, and I’m basing this on your post alone, it sounds like you’ve married a bratty teenager. You need to get him to cut out the crying and reach actual consensus on how to improve the situation. It may be time for couples therapy, if one on one isn’t working but it s definitely time for personal therapy for you, separately. If your work provides therapist/counseling services, consider looking into it very seriously.
Wait, so he does not have a job and also does not do the cooking or cleaning. Also he has no savings and no inclination for it. He also does not create romantic or special moments for you or relieve your emotional stress. What's he bringing to the table? You can start by giving him an ultimatum and teaching him how to treat you. House needs to be cleaned and food cooked by him if he doesn't do a job. He can spend only on things you both agree on. Instead of being a follower of his decisions, you need to lead him towards your decisions. If he follows your lead there might be hope.
He now has a job but he got laid off 3 months back and then he found a nee job. I was just making a point about how I was taking financial responsibility for the house entirely and if I happen to ever get laid off he will never be able to do that
Advice stays the same. Lead him firmly towards behavior you want him to exhibit. If he does not follow, make hard decisions. If you don't change anything in your life then nothing will change. Physical abuse or cheating is a very low bar to clear. Surely you want much much more than that!
You are married to an idiot, leave before it’s too late, it will never get better- only worse
Dump him immediayely. Trust me it is easier to do so before having kids!!!! I remarried and I love my husband. He has good values and cares for me. He is also very frugal which makes me feel like we are stable looking into future! P.s It is easier to find someone else before having kids. The more you wait the more time you are wasting. Life after kids will be more challenging and you do need a man financially responsible!
Man I'm not gonna marry. This is fcked up. Sorry!.
Don’t be a victim of generalization.
If you have kids without marrying then you get their full custody as a woman otherwise you end up dealing with 50/50 custody bs which will increase lawyer fees!
Easiest fix to your marriage is to tell him what you told us. If you’re scared to tell him, you guys rushed into marriage. Marriage isn’t about love for most people it’s just an arrangement. If you had to see someone first thing in the morning before they showered and brushed, the attraction would quickly wear off. Don’t trust in romance, trust in habits. Tell him to become more romantic and you do the same... Most Indians have parents who only have arranged marriages so they don’t have an example in front of them. Call his ass out and hold yourself to the same standard. Honestly though you’re kinda dumb for dating a guy who gave a watch... he seems like a pappu
Well when this whole watch thing happened I thought he was immature and didn’t understand the significance of a ring / proposal. But things have just been going downhill. I feel bad using the word but I feel he’s more selfish then a pappu.
Ring is not necessary. Its an outdated tradition. What matters is how he treats you.