Sex starved marriage

Feb 22, 2018 171 Comments

Married 9 years and father of 2 and sex starved. Wife is always busy with kids and work (household and job). Kids want to spend time with her on weekend nights listening to stories, etc since they sleep early on weekdays due to school. Looks like there is no slot for me all week. I’ve been at Microsoft for several years, so I definitely have time for her due to the excellent WLB.

Spoke to her once and then one Saturday we did it after 3 years. It’s been a several months since then. I see no initiation from her. May be she is just not interested in doing it anymore. She says she is too scared to have another kid but at the same time doesn’t want to take pills thinking it might affect her body. She doesn’t trust condoms. I understand she is tired and kids need time too. But what should I do in this situation? No, porn and masturbation are not sustainable for too long. This is driving me nuts. We love each other a lot. How did I land up in this situation!!!

Please no trolls.

Update: on my part I’ve started helping her out with household chores. Got a beautiful gift for her on Valentine’s Day and kiss her every now and then when I get a chance. No, both of us are not ugly and fat. I wish there was some effort from her side too. That’s what makes me sad.

Update 2: I do feel sad talking to my wife again about this. I mean aren’t the kids needy enough that she has to deal with one more needy guy! But then I thought sex is about both of us, not just me. Don’t know man, I’m probably getting crazy due to all this.

Update 3: we sleep in different bedrooms. She sleeps with the kids because the God damn kids (toddlers) won’t sleep in their own rooms. The younger one doesn’t even sleep through the night. Freakin so frustrating.

Update 4: Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful responses. I’ll help out more with household work and explore various contraception options that makes her comfortable. Let’s see how it goes. I shall pray.

I’m committed to this marriage no matter what.


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TOP 171 Comments
  • Prosper / Mgmt nakshatra
    I’m a girl and I can tell you that the best thing you can do is help her. From the way you describe it, and correct me if I’m wrong, she works and then also takes care of the house and kids.
    Try doing what she does for a week and I guarantee you won’t think about sex either. Forget “date night” and shit. Clean the effin house without her asking. Cook dinner every other night. Give the kids a bath and learn how to tuck them in instead of having her do it every day. Plus you might actually develop a relationship with your children in the process.
    Then after a couple of months, sit her down and tell her what date you scheduled the vasectomy for so that she can drive your sorry behind. After you’ve healed from that, 2 weeks, 8 weeks for all the boys to get lost, you can try for true intimacy.
    Until you do all of that, don’t whine that you’re not getting sex because you’re a man and you’ve done shit all I be truly attracted to her - I’m not talking physically.
    Feb 22, 2018 26
    • Cisco PinkGurl
      Agree with wowee. OP, just try to do the dishes and cook dinner every alternate day just for a week and then reply with how you feel. I am serious.
      Feb 22, 2018
    • SAP beleg
      To people like Blobs posting illogical comments, what Nakshatra & Wowee have talked about IS the reality in majority of the cases, STATISTICALLY speaking! So stop trying to make up something just for the heck of it! My colleague & her husband work at the same co. The husband has flexibility so works from home most of the days. Yet he neither has lunch nor prepares anything so that it is my COLLEAGUE, who does a 1 hr each way commute to office daily, who prepares dinner every night AS SOON AS she's back, ie she's in the kitchen every eve AS SOON AS she's home, without even changing her work clothes! So don't even get me started on the comparative stats of men helping with housework (in this case, even with feeding himself)!
      Feb 22, 2018
  • Google Butterchkn
    Go leetcode!
    Feb 22, 2018 1
    • New Pillow
      After solve 3 hard you have 30 min to watch pornhub then go back to leetcode
      Feb 22, 2018
  • Microsoft / Product @zzzzz
    Looks like you need to contribute from your amazing wlb so she isn't busy all the time with work, house, and kids.
    Feb 22, 2018 0
  • Amazon / Eng doneWith40
    It blows my mind that there is the common phrasing of "helping her" with chores and kids. FFS it's YOUR household, too, and presumably YOUR kids. Man up, take equal responsibility without her having to manage everything (if she needs to ask you to do something, the burden is still on her). Read if this isn't clear. Once she doesn't carry the full burden maybe she's less tired and will be in the mood more often. Also, seconding previous posts: discuss if there are ways of contraception that she would be feeling secure enough about. How about the pill for him?
    Feb 22, 2018 6
    • Cisco PinkGurl
      Thats the point. Chores are boring and pay you nothing.
      Feb 23, 2018
    • Aon Hewitt qTXq04
      Perfectly said Amazon. Maybe Microsoft could get his tubes tied?
      Feb 24, 2018
  • Starbucks MSPM
    I am a woman, have a 2 year old and guilty of putting my husband and our sex life second on the priority list. However, few things that help me remind how important our relationship is - 1.) Date nights every alternate Saturdays. After 1 year of no sex, my husband started date nights and we decided not to talk about the kid. Turned out, I had nothing else to talk about. :) We started talking about the trips we took before we had our kid. That helped. Date nights ended with some intimate time and now 1 year of doing that, our relationship has definitely grown stronger. 2) Husband comes home early and cooks surprise dinner for me (so that I don’t get tired) 3.) Husband gets up at night and takes care of our kid. You should think about teaching your kids to sleep by themselves. It will be painful initially but that’s the best thing we did. Now, as soon as my kid falls asleep, we get 3-4 hours of alone time before she wakes up again. Enough time for Netflix and chill. 4)Emails/text messages to me out of nowhere , expressing his love for me.

    I know, I should have initiated sex as well. But with a job, a kid, back aches, and house chores, that’s the last thing I used to think about. But it’s not like I didn’t want to have sex. I was just too tired to initiate. Even a back rub from my husband, would give me the energy to initiate. Few things to think about.
    Feb 22, 2018 3
    • Chegg / Eng CHGG3.5X
      Second the part about sleep training. It will be painful listening to them cry for a few days, but after that everyone will be happier.
      Feb 22, 2018
    • Google gs761ix
      Few days my ass. We've been trying and retrying every kind of sleep training out there and it never sticks for more than a couple weeks. Luckily the second baby passes right out no problem.
      Feb 23, 2018
  • Microsoft i <3hooker
    So you have to deal with wife and kids and you don't get the single benefit. Loser
    Feb 22, 2018 8
    • Aon Hewitt qTXq04
      Why'd you have kids? You seem to not like them based on your comments....
      Feb 24, 2018
    • Microsoft i <3hooker
      I don't and never will
      Feb 25, 2018
  • Apple / Other whyNotQ?
    Dude, this happens to a lot of people. This is going to take a bit of effort on your part but it will be worth it.

    Turn up the charm. Go on dates, find a babysitter (ideally outside you home, do you have family that is local?) and go out somewhere.

    Make sure the kids have time with mom but understand dad and mom need their own time. It’ll be tough the first few times but should get easy pretty quick.

    This may look like an easy plan but it can be difficult to get it started. The main challenge is keeping this going for a few months so it becomes regular again.

    Good luck
    Feb 22, 2018 0
  • Microsoft etOA87
    Probably time to switch teams
    Feb 22, 2018 0
  • Facebook Happy2
    I'm in a similar boat as op except I've given up hope that we'll ever have sex anymore. I'm involuntarily abstinent and would go bonkers if it wasn't for porn and masturbation.

    We had sex over 300 times our first year dating so I thought I had found someone where we would have a good sex life throughout our marriage.

    However, after getting married and having kids, we average less than once a year and that's mostly due to when we had kid 2 and 3.

    If we ever do have sex, I find that it's nowhere near as good as playing with myself. Consequently, I no longer think of her sexually at all. Since she's generally not even a cuddler, any sort of physical intimacy is pretty much gone as well.

    I used to love her for being a very caring mom but now she's trying to start up her own business which costs us way more than she brings in and also takes up a bunch of her time when she's not working andf so the older kids complain she's not really present for them either.

    The kids definitely love her and I no longer fantasize about being with someone else seriously so it seems easiest to just stay together. Plus, I promised until death do us part and I'm a man of my word...

    She doesn't do much to keep the house nice so I end up doing a significant amount of housework.

    She pretty much demands that I give her a massage at least 4 times a week but gives me nothing in return for it.

    She's supportive of my work (probably because it's our sole source of income but also because she knows how important it is to me) and she let's me have 1 day a week to hang out with friends in our home (because she doesn't like me being away from home).

    She's generally a good person but I definitely feel I'm taken for granted but I suppose I feel the same for her now except I do still support what she wants for most things.

    Anyways, I doubt what I've said helps you much. I've shared it though to illustrate how "bad" things can get if you don't find a way to fix it with her.

    I put bad in quotes because we're still friends and I believe she loves me platonically and I want her to be happy given her importance to my kids who I absolutely adore. This keeps everything fairly pleasant but it certainly isn't the marriage I hoped for.

    - Just Going Through the Motions
    Feb 22, 2018 6
    • Microsoft NzBF33
      There needs to be clear limits on covering expenses for an unprofitable business. Else you could find yourself out 500K with growing losses and a wife who feels entitled to keep losing indefinitely. Better for her to incorporate and go bankrupt.
      Feb 22, 2018
    • Facebook Happy2
      I don't expect much from her anymore.

      I wholly agree about limits on the business. She's still in the early stages and I've expressed concerns about the costs but they've been relatively low so far.

      I've said she must put together a business plan before we plop down any serious money like renting a place to conduct more business from. She says that makes sense and yet she continues to look for places before putting a plan together.


      She certainly doesn't need to work for the family's financial well being but I think she needs it to feel her own productivity, which I can sympathize with. It's unfortunate she wants to pursue something that has such relatively low probability of making significant net positive money.
      Feb 22, 2018
  • Microsoft / Eng Dr.13
    You know she might be getting it from somewhere else.... I'd start checking up on her to see if she is having an affair.

    Getting a full panel STD exam wouldn't be the worst idea either. Also get the gardisal 9.vaccine in case she is cheating... Or you decide to cheat.
    Feb 22, 2018 4
    • Microsoft Username56
      You don’t know what you are talking about. Constant sleep deprivation (kids don’t sleep through the night), schools, households AND full time job? And she is cheating? Do you think she has time and energy for that? Jerk.
      Feb 22, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng Dr.13
      Anything is possible
      Feb 22, 2018


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