We have relationship problems and general communication issues. Things she wants -Buy a house in Bay Area -Buy property in her native country in SA -Support her family coming and living in the US / Bay Area (we’d financially have to sponsor them) -Pay cleaners for the house She works her own business, but it’s not cash flow positive. Also, most days she’s on IG sitting on the couch. We get into fights when I suggest her considering a ‘moonlighting’ gig just to have some income. We do fine off my income, but I’m not happy about all these wants without her contributing financially. I’d like to support my parents that are in retirement age and can’t support themselves. Do all the above means we don’t save anything and would live paycheck to paycheck. TC: 400s
SA = Saudi Arabia or SA = South Africa? Two totally different cultural contexts.
Yeah, she wants kids and pushing, but said we have issues and need to figure them out. I agree on two, I think I keep telling myself that we’ll agree. I give up on some things and so does she, but it doesn’t happen. I don’t know if I can be happy like this. I’m not miserable but I’m not overjoyed with it.
Agree with wait for kids. That changes things drastically, and binds you two together for better or worse forever....
Sorry, some ambitions are not sustaining. Some people are just naturally blind to this and that’s what causes some bankruptcies.
Run
If you’re in CA and see this not working out, make a call before your 8 year anniversary. Lifelong alimony in California is common after a ten year marriage and it can take years for a divorce to work through the courts, so . . . In the meantime, don’t sign for a mortgage on a home you don’t want; don’t make your earnings accessible enough for them to be used to buy property you don’t want, in a country where you don’t want to own assets; and don’t sign visa sponsorship paperwork that you don’t want to be responsible for. You’ve phrased your post as if you need to convince her to be more reasonable. You’re assuming you have to go along with these things if you can’t make her see reason when in fact, she’s the one who needs your signature on all this paperwork. The default path is you acquire none of these things and sponsor no one. The onus is on her to convince you that this is affordable and you should do it together. Decide and communicate what, if anything, would make these things viable options for you.
Do I have a choice? Yes. It’ll be miserable if I don’t go along. I’ll just get nagged on forever. The problem is that I don’t have someone objective to talk to to know if I’m reasonable or not.
You earn $400k/year, her earnings are currently negative, and she is attempting to badger you into spending what’s left of your earnings. That is not a reasonable position. If you aren’t comfortable telling her no, blame it on a financial planner. Say you ran her desired scenario by a professional and it’s a financial suicide. You’ll be happy to go back and revisit the calculations when she’s earning again. In the meantime, you should keep a careful eye on your accounts. You may want to proactively make it impossible for her to wipe them out over night, given that you don’t believe she’ll respect a simple no.
Cut your losses and run. She isn’t looking for a romantic partner, but a sugar daddy. If she wants to buy a house/buy her family a house, she should work for it, and not rely on you.
You’re getting gaslighted
Yeah but it’s hard to see it. In what respect?
A partner shouldn’t need to provide everything. It’s reasonable to ask for contribution to the relationship. If she’s living off your funds and wants to increase your total spend, AND you are borderline considering going along with it—you have somehow been convinced that’s how you should be as a partner. So you have been gaslighted imo.
I would stop suggesting she moonlights for income. Sounds like she has a job, but it will take time for it to materialize into financial gain. Putting pressure on her to contribute more financially by getting extra work is insensitive when you yourself mentioned you don't need her income to survive. The only way I would put that financial pressure on her is if she keeps pressing to buy the things you aren't aligned with. Suggest to her the timing is bad, but if it is really important to her to buy these things now then she may have to do the moonlighting to help make it happen..
Bad advice
She’s had her business for about 4 years (of course during the pandemic so it hit hard) and we sank quite a bit into it. It’s important to her so I said we can keep it going when the pandemic hit. I said we’ll put $Xk toward it and she can spend it however she wants. Honestly think she spends it badly, on things she uses once then gets rid of it or collects dust. She needs the latest technologies (cameras and MacBook Pros). Getting a house is expensive and then these other things like her parents, property in her home country are just expensive. I don’t align with the latter. Her country’s currency is sinking and I think it’ll sink more. Then she wants cleaners to come (we paid for them before) which I think is a waste of money (if we both worked and weren’t home, okay I’d agree here), get a new car, etc. The wants just never end. We don’t need cleaners, but it’s such a fight hat I give up on it. We don’t need a new car, but again, she has this emotional attachment to get it. When something goes wrong then it’s my fault I didn’t schedule something. I suggest some side work to help and it just turns into a fight. “We make so much and we can afford it” is her argument. If things fall apart and I lose my job, I think finding a new one will be hard and I don’t see her going to work. She says she’ll do a nanny job… I think it’s because she’s emotionally involved in her venture. Meanwhile I feel the weight on my shoulders and it’s unfair.
File for divorce and GTFO
Have you tried talking to them directly about this
Yes. I wrote that it just turns into a fight that lasts hours and is emotionally draining. She sees me as selfish and greedy. When I bring it up in our couples therapy, it goes nowhere, it’s just explaining how it makes me feel emotionally.
At some point people need to grow up and see you can’t get X until you do Y. Speaking from personal experience, every time I tried to have a conversation about finances with my spouse it resulted in fights just like yours One day I showed them excel sheet pretty calmly , with budgeted expenses and showed what it would mean to 1. Buy a house, 2. educate our kids, 3. Live comfortably with best , moderate, least options they read it and about 2 months later understood what I was saying. Sometimes it’s hard to get through to someone but you still have to figure out a way. If the spreadsheet route works for you, try it. I think honesty, being vulnerable, influencing the energy around you helps. Some things are not possible with our current means so list out your priorities. What do you both care about most ( Husband priorities + wife priorities) and then optimize for it. Good luck