Make sure, before you sign that dotted line and get hitched for life * Your non financial goals are aligned. If there's any disparity, make sure each of you understand that you're getting married knowing that you're not aligned because the issue is trivial. If it isn't trivial, do not get married to the other person regardless of how much you think you're in love. Life's too long to spend regretting, not understanding if you're to blame or the other person. * You grew up in a family, and so did the other person. Each of you learnt about $ differently and look at it differently. It's a given! Not having the kind of money for your and your partner's goals & dreams will take a toll on you and the family (most of you'll probably have kid (s) one day). Talk through it with patience. Do not breeze through it. Most of you are engineers, or well educated. Remember planning... More of this talking will make your life a little easier down the road. Specifically talk if you want a 2 income family or 1. If career breaks are planned, how long, etc. * Discuss the kids.....I know, I know... Too early. But once you've them Lil tots, they are your life. At least talk about how you'd raise them, education, etc. * If there's no extended family support, life's going to be a little bit harder than it might been for the previous generation. Plan for it. [Added later] * Physical needs. How intimate do you like to be. Hopefully you've expressed this before you're hitched! But not all cultures afford the privilege. So, as uncomfortable as it might be... Talk about this. If there other person isn't open enough to do so, but you are particular about it, it's probably already a telling sign 😉 * Religion: remember, again, each family has its own culture. Religion is an important one, especially if it's important to one of you and not the other. Might seem trivial at first, but you won't believe how much more religious people get once they cross mid forties * Race: if you're both from different races or countries. Please pay attention to this. Your kids are going to be the cutest ones on Earth, but if your families don't support you on this (which most won't), I really hope you know how hard it will be. Understand it, and if you both are strong enough to withstand this, do it! I did 😋 * Be AGILE: life's like a program. You've to continue discussing the above points. Have 'stand up' as often as your comfortable. Groom your goals and desires together! I'm sure there's lots more others can share.
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Question about women in their 30’s?
You didn't mention sex at all? Seems you are missing one of the big factors that leads to disappointment.
At your handle - why do salty bro? Tesla/FB is just another company. Companies like us have their fair share of ups and downs.
Put a penny in a jar every time you fuck before marriage. Take one out every time afterwards. You’ll always have pennies. Sex isn’t nearly as important as your dick makes it out to be.
Nice post!
Prenup! No matter how deeply in love you are, sign a prenup
Prenup might address one aspect of it, maybe two. My personal belief: if you've to sign one, you're not compatible. But it is considered good financial adviser in most Western cultures.
See the Book of Kayne West, chapter 3, verse “Golddigger” :)
Advice for steps before engagement? Esp if new in town.
Similar to kids, get a handle on your Faith expectations. Understand how big a role extended family is going to play. Understand boundaries (and if they’re realistic or not) Most of all, figure out who this person REALLY IS. Not who they are on dates. Love the feeling fades quickly. Love will not feed you if your spouse is lazy. Love will not comfort you if you’ve married someone selfish Love will not dry your tears when they take out their baggage (divorce, bad parents, disappointments) and n you and your kids.
I like this one. It's another reason relationships drift and marriages can fracture. I'm adding this.
I don’t agree with anything you wrote. People change a lot over time and when living with another person. I have been married six years and have a kid. If I and my spouse had this discussion before marriage, it would have been like two idiots talking about things they can at best guess. How they would bring up kids!!! Heck we didn’t know then. We have both changed and evolved a lot to fit with each other’s vision of a partner, and we are both better people now than where we began. I am sure we will continue to evolve. Both our life goals and financial goals have changed a lot since then. This discussion before getting married would have been pointless. It is more important that you have nice and understanding families, that you like each other enough to tide over difficult times, that you can respect each other , and that you yourself are not a jerk.
I don't disagree with you. The above isn't fool proof. People change, 10, 20, 30, 40 years is a long time and people will change a lot over that time. But you've an opportunity as a partner to see what's changing them. This is meant more as a 'get started right' for a better chance. Do you disagree that discussing the stared points could make a relationship last longer if people agree at least initially?
There... Added the Be Agile point at the bottom.
1. If you are fighting before you get hitched you are going to fight after you get hitched. Fighting is not a good thing! 2. Don't marry someone who doesn't share your values. 3. Marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. For it to work someone has to be the decider. It's 51/49 arrangement. 4. Make sure you have US time and ME time. 5. Don't lie to eachother. 6. Be forgiving. 7. Love yourself before you try to love another. 8. See a family counselor sooner rather than later. 9. Be sure your families get along or at the very least respectful of your marriage. That’s all I got having been happily married for 10 years and having seen marriages of friends fall apart.
Also married for over a decade and my wife and I did have the talk beforehand about all of the stuff cited in the thread. Yes, it changed over time but we proved we could always talk to each other about anything. Communication is *so* important. And when we got better at communicating, the sex and everything else got even better.
Go read https://www.gottman.com. The real world data is priceless. Use it waaaaaaay before you get married.
Don't get married. Its just as easy to get divorced. Shoutouts to Reagan for allowing no-fault divorce. The risk is simply too high. I'm only saying this for legal reasons. If the government/state got out of the business of marriage I'd be all for it. Not against religious marriage; heavily against legal marriage.
If you move in together, you're common-law married. If you don't move in together, you pay extra rent/mortgage. Pick your payment.
California is not a common law state.
Too late, just got hitched last Tuesday
Congratulations! 💍 Never to late to start talking. Make sure you don't spook/startle them 😋. Ease into the discussions.