Wife has no prospects. Stuck.
Doesn't want a kid for the next 5ish years. Doesn't want to learn a skill (leetcode) or finish her BS degree. Doesn't want to work on herself physically (she's become obese). She works on arts and crafts that could never be a career on their own. Unemployed. She's clinically depressed but medicated. Doesn't complain to me, but uses it as an excuse not to go do things (like better herself). We're both under 30. She has no resume. She would be homeless if we divorced, or working some menial job. No family. I really do love her as a person, and I've talked to her about these things but... no change. I fear eventually having a kid with this woman if she can't even put herself together. She's been suicidal in the past, before we were together. She's told me I'm the only reason she didn't. I feel it's not possible to "fix" her, it's all due to intense past trauma (~8yrs ago). I think divorcing her would really lead to her doing it, without threatening or saying a word to me about it. I guess staying the course with her is better than that. I'm only unhappy about our life not... progressing in any way. She's 100% capable of being beautiful, landing an SDE job, or having a kid so we can start our family. Ugh. I'm going to need to ladder climb hard just to buy a house for us. TC: 190K
Don't make her problems your problems. This is your life. You only get one. Be grateful you haven't made a kid with her yet - it will be much easier to divorce while you're still childless. Really sorry you ended up in this situation.
That doesn't sound fair for you at all. What are you getting out of this relationship?
Seconded. She seriously needs to talk with a therapist to overcome this, as it’s starting to affect your career and own mental health. She can’t just not contribute anything to the relationship, and this is coming from a woman.
blowjobs I guess?
I don’t think OP is Indian though
What's with the Indian hate? Indians are nicer than Americans or Chinese on an average.
I’d leave. Seems like you are staying out of pity and that will get old one day..
If she's that unwilling to change or seek help you gotta get out. Divorce before a kid makes it worse. She's horrible for placing the responsibility of her life on your shoulders. Sounds like she needs a PIP.
Good news and bad news. Good: you see this reality before having kids. Bad: you're in a tough spot, because it's a classic Kobayashi Maru situation (or feels like it). If you stay with her, _maybe_ she won't kill herself, but presumably you'll both be miserable. If you leave her, she _may_ kill herself. Sadly I can relate to this personally. The main piece of guidance I'll share with you is "if she kills herself, it's NOT your fault." It's painful to accept that reality, but critical, because otherwise you're stuck and will remain so.
Yeah. Can't help but feel the moral choice is to at least build her up to where I'm certain she wouldn't do it, if I were to leave. It wouldn't be my fault, but it would be immoral to trigger it over selfish needs to progress my life.
I get what you're trying to accomplish and your empathetic desire. You're wrong to think of it as you "triggering it." _You_ will never get her have mental resilience - that's up to her and you're doing her and yourself no favors thinking otherwise. Self-responsibility sucks, but it's life...
Meds aren’t enough, she needs counseling/therapy and a social hobby. If she’s unwilling to do that it’s time to leave.
Why a social hobby?
A non social hobby you get in your own head too much. A social hobby gets you some group therapy without everyone being in the same place.
This would probably get the job done, but it’d hurt OP. Sucks.
I actually don't think this would work, as I think she knows OP could still get a job and would do so before she did. Divorce with possible remarriage if she fixed herself is a more likely fix.
Your tc is small enough to handle this, leave or leet harder
Don’t let her manipulate you into believing you’re the only thing holding her together. This is a form of guilt tripping that will only get worse in time. The best thing for you in my opinion is to walk away from this relationship. You are in your prime, and as painful as it is to let go of someone you love, you must put yourself first in a good position to achieve your own goals. You owe her nothing.