I will start by dispelling some myths so that we are working with a common definition of "arranged marriage". The middle-class Indian definition of arranged marriage does NOT refer to non-consensual marriage, nor does it refer to a blind marriage. These things certainly happen in parts of India and the undeveloped world but fall in the same category as trafficking/slavery and not what a middle-class Indian person refers to as an arranged marriage. The "process" of arranged marriage in urban India is as follows: You are presented with some peoples' profiles by your family, screened by them beforehand. A profile is composed of photographs, a resume, surface-level lifestyle attributes, and other data. From the candidates, you select someone who you you think is worth the time (sounds gosh darn familiar don't it?). The very first meeting is both families meeting each other for a meal or tea (typically the latter), where the guy and girl get some private time to speak to each other where they will presumably exchange contact info and plan their first "date". After a series of dates, the couple will communicate their decision to their respective parents (and/or to each other). If it's a no-go from either party, the process repeats. Superficially, this is very similar to modern Western dating, except that matching is mediated by the parents instead of an app or alcohol+chance. However, there are some distinct advantages with this over Western dating, and I implore you to consider them fairly instead of dismissing the whole thing because it's "so weird dude": 1. The process of matching is abstracted away. Near-zero stress and effort on your end, your parents literally bring you a human-screened folder of potential candidates. Better than going to a bar and hoping you bump into your soul-mate one random Friday. This also means you can share the blame if you end up Forever Alone™. 2. You will only be presented with people who are interested in a serious relationship. It's like having a hard flag on Tinder for "serious relationships only". No men looking for a quick nut. No women looking for free dinner. 3. Compatibility is far better than if you just met someone and fell in love. You can be sure, at least, that extraneous blockers (TC compatibility, cultural compatibility, circumstantial stuff) don't exist. Also, no beer goggles. 4. Both parties have other options to go through (which gives them more confidence to say "no" instead of settling). 5. Your parents will have your back emotionally in case of a difficult rejection. Of course people fall in love during the dating period but you can share that freely with your parents and they'll just present you with another candidate to take your mind off. The bottom-line is that this process tips the reason-emotion tradeoff more towards reason. Depending on what kind of person you are, that might be preferable. At the end of the day, marriage is a crapshoot anyway.
This post was nicely informative. I’m not Indian and I met my wife on a dating app, but this cleared up a lot of the misconceptions I had about arranged marriages.
Yup very well written. You should publish this externally, OP
Thanks for the explanation, I had an inkling this is how it works from talking to Indian co-workers briefly but this is a good overview and makes a lot of sense.
Thanks for the education! As a point, chance is still very much involved. Parents can't match their children with someone without having a chance encounter with the folks of a potential match. That said, I can see a few ways that wouldn't work in the U.S. First, the U.S. is far more racially diverse, and that carries a good bit of racism and other sorts of bigotry. I wouldn't exist, for instance, if this were a common practice in the U.S. Hookup culture has been a persistent part of the U.S. identity for at least the past 60 years; I can not envision my folks picking hook up partners who could one day be my wife. Lastly, in the U.S., marriage is becoming a less attractive goal in a relationship, so such a tradition would just die out with the next generation. As a note, I have evidence and a sturdy argument for my claims in the last para, but I'd rather not type out 3 whole arguments on my phone. Hit me up if you want evidence of my claims.
India is extremely diverse. People from different states don’t even speak each other’s language. Each state also has regional differences. Indians are not only the ones you come in contact here in the US. There are 54 official languages in India just so you have a baseline on how diverse the country really is.
I can buy that. However, my argument was not that India is not diverse. I claimed that it is not racially diverse. Would you claim that racism and xenophobia are comparably intense in India?
I have nothing against arranged marriages. But what you have presented as pros of arranged marriages aren’t necessarily exclusive to them. 1. This would be the same as your friends setting you up. Fewer choices than dating apps, but potentially better screening. 2. I am not interested in a serious relationship with someone unless I have already slept with them. Arranged marriages don’t give you that chance. 3. You can screen for these (and a lot of other things) if you live together before you get married. 4. Dating apps give you choices as well. 5. Your parents should back you emotionally no matter what.
I think OP only talked about how arranged marriage works for an average Indian. It is not necessarily the answer to anything in the western context. It’s just a norm in India that’s all.
@Bluths is providing valid critique to OP who is praising arranged marriages. It’s not worth praising
Great summary OP. THANKS!
You did a good job of explaining the process but some of your pros are not really true. Compatibility is better in arranged marriages only if your definition of compatibility includes TC, status, caste, net worth, color gradient of skin etc. In the end its down to whether you want to make probably the most important decision of your life yourself or would rather have your parents make it for you.
Still, arranged marriage sucks. Feel sorry for you.
You make a compelling argument!
Thanks for the insights. It was very informative. Nontheless, I still view it as a primitive ritual and the way the process is done it removes all the "fun" parts - courting the woman and the excitement and anticipation that come with these intial phases. It seems that this process is aimed at removing any "risks" in the matching process. This is obviously impossible.
This sounds like a start up pitch lol
I just married the first girl I met in college. Chance worked great for me.
This doesn’t scale well.
Lottery ticket